Ok, a while between posts I know. I’m out at my work zmas party, not the best time to post I know but alcohol brings out the best in us right?

shit in my life is the same. I’ve come to terms with the fact that my husband is an asshole but it doesn’t make it easier. I hate the fact that he has finished my self esteem and makes me feel that the best is behind me.

I’ve started a job I love but still I feel a void that  I’m struggling to fill. My friends tell me to have a fling but I have no interest.

 

Where to from here? Who knows!

 

Old habits are hard to break

Third session was had today with my psychologist. He’s lovely. He’s such a gentle old soul and I feel afterwards a sense of calm almost like a part of his calmness has rubbed off on me. Hope it lasts a while. It’s a welcome relief.
He’s helping me make sense of everything that has brought me to where i am today. It’s complex but of course I’ve already physoanalysed these parts of me. I suppose he’s helping me gapsrein more clarity over it all. He’s helping me understand my husbands emotional detachment also which is helping me. I’m so glad he came to the first session with me as now my therapist understands a little of what I’m up against with him and help me find better ways to communicate or at least not feel so alone. I realise that statement sounds like I’m going into battle with my husband but to be truthful that how I often feel. We are exact polar opposites really and I feel as though we don’t express that we care enough to each other. He also thinks I had post natal depression that wasn’t addressed after my daughter 4 years ago. I never sought help for it putting it down to change of lifestyle stress and first baby shock. I feel like things have been a struggle for me since and exasperated after my miscarriage. I am hopeful I can get past these feeling and gain some peace.
He also mentioned that a lot of his clients are older women and that older women are having more babies then teenagers. He even said that I’m on the bottom end of 40 plus women bearing children successfully as he had some clients 45. He told me not to lose hope. That of course was like music to my ears. That old wall of self protection builds up again and I feel fear almost as simultaneously as hope. Old habits are hard to break.

Dreams

I rarely dream or at least if I do they aren’t memorable. Lately I have had many and some are disturbing.
I dreamt I was at the airport going on a trip with my husband and daughter but somehow I lost my bag. It was sheer panic. I couldn’t get on the plane without my bag and I was in desperation looking everywhere for it. My husband was cranky that is misplaced it. I was so upset wondering what to do.
I dont need a dream book to interpret my dreams as I usually know exactly what they are trying to tell me. This one my bag was a metaphor for my baby. The emotion was strong.
Another one I had featured a snake (my most feared animal). I was being chased around the neighbourhood relentlessly by it. I was terrified. It was my biggest fear come to actualisation much like my baby loss. I’ve had a few more with snakes featured in them but the details are hazy.
Last night i dreamt I was staying at my parents house and my brother was trying to kill me with an axe. He was festering in his room. I could hear devil music, smell marijuana and sense his anger towards my mum and I. We locked all the doors but he used the axe to break in through the walls. I think I woke up then. This dream was disturbing and I cant analysed it but I think it’s just the fear I feel, not with my brother but just fear itself. I don’t know.
I’m trying to welcome my dreams as hopefully they will help heal me regardless of them being nightmares. Maybe they are helping me process everything and I wanted to note them down here.

It’s funny but I feel I don’t want to miss a detail of this stage of my life however horrible the details are. I feel I need to chronicle it to at least pay homage to the enormous loss I feel. I feel I owe to it her. I can’t let it all become a blur of emptiness.

Sometimes life subtracts

This heaviness is so constant. I don’t have a desire to do anything. Nothing holds any appeal. I don’t know where to start to begin rebuilding my life. I don’t know if it’s possible. I feel so alone and I fear that being with people will only make me feel more alone then ever.
My husband brought a new car and was excited. I don’t care. He talks about the new house and I don’t care. People at work talk to me about their concerns over their fitness goals and I want to shake them and tell them that there are bigger problems in life! I can no longer relate to anything. Everything seems so void of meaning and relevance. Everything.
I look across at my daughter and think of her as being the only relevant thing right now but I can’t engage as much as I want to. I just want to lay in bed her and snuggle and not have to do things like go out shopping and see mums wheeling baby prams around. I don’t want to imagine what a great big sister she would of been. I don’t want to go out into my garage to get my Xmas tree as I have to confront the mountain of baby gear in storage amongst it. I don’t want to do any of it. So instead I operate on auto pilot doing the minimum to get by each day. Somehow I feed her and myself and I put us to bed as early as I can so that reality leaves me for a bit.
I look at my body and I feel I should be compelled to take action. To get my pre IVF body back, pour my troubles into that but I feel powerless. My heart longs for my pregnant belly, the nausea. I dread Xmas when I have to meet 2 new babies that have recently joined the extended family. I dread going back to work where one of my friends has just given birth to a little girl. Her and her husband, my bosses and good friends don’t know what to say to me. I understand, what is there to say? Sometimes life subtracts.

My heart is so heavy

You ever feel like everything is riding on one decision? You ever look deep inside yourself and just come out with more questions. You ever wonder what it’s all about? Truly what it’s all about? I search and search myself for answers but all I find is heartbreak.
I write these words but even they don’t seem enough. There not enough to convey the magnitude of these feelings right now. Screaming at the top of my lungs would not be enough. There are no words.
How do I let go. So many dreams had developed for you little one over these past 12 weeks. How will I not think of you in my every waking moment? How will I not see you in my dreams. When will I stop longing to hold you. When in the future will I stop wondering whether I did the right thing? Is there even such a thing.
How does my husband sleep right now? There is nothing like our maternal instinct and nothing like carrying a child. Whilst I know he is anguished he will never mourn her like I will. I feel so alone.
I want you so much baby girl that I already feel your loss in ways I never dreamed possible. I keep thinking about how much it wouldn’t matter to me how you were affected, I would love you but maybe I love you enough to protect you from any of it and send you to be with God where I know your safe. Maybe that is my ultimate act of love but maybe it’s my ultimate act of fear.
I want you so much that maybe I’m blind sided by that maternal longing I’ve had for so long. My wants and needs shouldn’t come before the welfare of my child. I need to put aside my desires and focus on what’s best for my child long term. It’s so hard because I don’t really know how much you would suffer physically and emotionally in this world. No doctor can tell me that.
I’ve been reading every blog i can trying to catch a glimpse of what your future would be. My heart is so heavy.

A million pieces of me…

My obstetrician called me at 6:30 in the morning and asked me to come in to discuss harmony test results first thing. I went in and she said the results said 99% chance of Down syndrome. I asked how accurate they were and she said accurate. I asked if the percentages vary as it does when you get a probability based on an ultrasound and blood test but she said no it’s the nature of the test.
Due to these tests still being screening and not diagnostic she suggested doing a cvs test which I’m doing today. It’s pretty much to just confirm findings and said I should prepare myself accordingly. She said she’d be very surprised if the test read as a false positive.
I had an ultrasound done in her clinic to check for heart beat and my heart sank. I saw her there, so tiny but so much a baby now. She was jumping around and kicking away. So much life. My heart broke like I never could of imagined it capable.
I also know now that it’s a girl. I wasn’t going to ask my ob but I couldnt help myself and I snuck a look at the results. I shouldn’t of.
My daughter asked why I am so sad. I said mummy is just a bit sad as I have to go the doctors today. She replied with ‘but mummy you always get needles and you are always brave.’ That much is true. Not today though. My heart sinks at the thought of seeing her on the ultrasound again.
My husband, my daughter and I were in the car and somehow she brought up the topic of babies. She talked about how she’s going to have a baby sister and I just broke. There’s a million pieces of me now.

10 weeks 5 days

Well here I am.

I had our first appointment with the obstetrician yesterday, the same one who delivered our daughter 4.5 years ago. She did an ultrasound and I saw the fluttering heartbeat. I exhaled a little. I told her how anxious I was feeling this time around and she acknowledged it but she’s not the type to utter reassurances. She’s pretty straight forward and more of a ‘get the job done’ type of person which is fine and I think actually calms me down a bit.
She organised all the scans and blood tests I would need and said she would induce me at 38 weeks of I hadn’t given birth by then. This came as a surprise and she explained it’s to minimise the risk of still birth with me being over 40 and 41 at the time I’ll be giving birth. This freaked me out a little. Apparently from 38 weeks gestation the risk increases with each passing week. Here I was thinking we could relax after our 12 week screening.
On the advice of our fertility specialist we had a harmony test done this week. It’s a non invasive blood test that screens for chromosome abnormalities 21, 18 and 13 and also tests for x & Y chromosome. It’s a test done from 10 weeks gestation. It has a higher abnormality detection rate then the standard ultrasound and blood tests carried about between 11 and 13 weeks. It is still just a screening method not a diagnostic one like the more invasive tests. We are hoping and praying for a low risk result coming through from our test. I’d really hate to have to go through with an invasive test considering the chances of miscarriage associated with the procedures. It seems I’m getting ahead of myself though…typical!
Our obstetrician asked our daughter, who I had with me at the appointment whether she wanted a little brother or sister. I had meant to discreetly mention to the doc that we hadn’t discussed the pregnancy with her yet and were holding off till we get results from the screening. A little late for that now as she instantly had a million questions for me.
Is there really a baby in your tummy mummy?
See I told you there was a baby in there.
Mummy I would really like a little baby sister.
Mummy how long till the baby is here?
I couldn’t help but smile at her she was so excited but I was a little annoyed at the doctor.
The pessimist in me is still so frightened of losing this baby. I don’t want to jinx this pregnancy in anyway. I’ve even been reluctant to blog the past few weeks through fear of a jinx. Saying it out loud makes me realise how pessimistic I really sound.
There was tears today when I spoke to a girlfriend about the appointment and about her plan of inducing me and the still born risk. I just want to be able to exhale. When will that be. This is harder than I thought it would be.
I’m so grateful, beyond grateful really that I’ve been blessed with this pregnancy, but I’m equally as frightened. This I didn’t expect so much.
Just have to take it day by day, look for the good in everything and trust that all is as it should be.
Much love and light to you all xx

It’s the ray of hope that hurts…

So I did it, I tested early today. Transfer was a week ago yesterday which I think makes it 8 days post 3 days transfer. I shouldn’t of done it as I know the trigger injection could still very well be in my system. It would of been around the same time that I tested last time and got a false positive.

2 faint lines showed up and now I’m annoyed with myself…shouldn’t of done that! It’s the little ray of hope that has now sprung that kills me.

Aarghhhh

Mid 2 week wai

HOW long does 2 weeks take to go by when your waiting on it. Feels like forever. Mid way through now which i think is the worse place to be. Truth be told I’ve hit a pretty low point. Everything feels shit. Feeling like I want to pack up and relocate myself somewhere near the ocean and stick my head in the sand away from my life.
Been thinking about quitting my job lately. All the happenings there are on my mind too much. I work in the fitness industry and lately I feel like an imposter. I’ve put on so much weight, I’m not exercising due to the ivf and I’ve been comfort eating, ALOT! I guess I’m finding it difficult to retain any sort of motivation an even more difficult to try and motivate others which is my job. What to do…ill go think about it over a piece of chocolate 🙄
God just the read the above. I’m so whingy. I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but can’t snap out of it.
So physically I don’t feel any symptoms apart from some cramping and having to wee every second minute, oh and overly reactive to everything. Did I mention that? 😏 could have something to do with the shit load of progesterone I’m on also.
Haven’t tested but I’ve thought about it. Today I’m 7 days post 3 day transfer. I’ve got the kits ready to go…last time I tested early I got a positive but it was the trigger shot…devastating!!
Anyways I’m sure that won’t stop me testing tomorrow. Will keep you updated.

Retrieval done

Went in today to have egg retrieval done. It’s becoming the norm this process. I don’t feel anything like fear over the surgery. The only fear I have is the feeling of coming closer to permanent disappoint and an unwanted reality. Yes that sounds a little morbid, I’m well aware of that. No amount of self healing reiki, positive thinking or hypnosis recordings will change this possible outcome. This then is my only fear. You could poke me all day with needles and send me to endless surgeries but that is not the hard part. It doesn’t even come a close second to this feeling of foreboding in the pit of my stomach.
Anyways we retrieved 2 eggs. 2. Yep you read right. We saw 5 follicles two days ago and I asked the scientist what happened to the others and she said that not all follicles contain eggs. She said approximately 80% will contain eggs. I know my maths is shit house but what??? If science can’t explain it, well let’s not go there.
Anyways waiting now till morning to see how many fertilise and we are looking to do a fresh transfer. I’ll predict a day 3 transfer. Hoping and praying we get there 🙏🙏