My heart is so heavy

You ever feel like everything is riding on one decision? You ever look deep inside yourself and just come out with more questions. You ever wonder what it’s all about? Truly what it’s all about? I search and search myself for answers but all I find is heartbreak.
I write these words but even they don’t seem enough. There not enough to convey the magnitude of these feelings right now. Screaming at the top of my lungs would not be enough. There are no words.
How do I let go. So many dreams had developed for you little one over these past 12 weeks. How will I not think of you in my every waking moment? How will I not see you in my dreams. When will I stop longing to hold you. When in the future will I stop wondering whether I did the right thing? Is there even such a thing.
How does my husband sleep right now? There is nothing like our maternal instinct and nothing like carrying a child. Whilst I know he is anguished he will never mourn her like I will. I feel so alone.
I want you so much baby girl that I already feel your loss in ways I never dreamed possible. I keep thinking about how much it wouldn’t matter to me how you were affected, I would love you but maybe I love you enough to protect you from any of it and send you to be with God where I know your safe. Maybe that is my ultimate act of love but maybe it’s my ultimate act of fear.
I want you so much that maybe I’m blind sided by that maternal longing I’ve had for so long. My wants and needs shouldn’t come before the welfare of my child. I need to put aside my desires and focus on what’s best for my child long term. It’s so hard because I don’t really know how much you would suffer physically and emotionally in this world. No doctor can tell me that.
I’ve been reading every blog i can trying to catch a glimpse of what your future would be. My heart is so heavy.


12 thoughts on “My heart is so heavy

  1. I don’t think anyone can know what will hurt their child in the future… It’s a risk we all have to take, whether that child has special needs from the beginning or not… But your longing for this child and your love for her are clear to me. Don’t let that go as you continue down your path…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh god.. I’ve been away for a while taking a break from things. I’m so sad to be reading this update from you. I am so sorry you are facing this. Its not fair! I’m sending you feelings of peace and a hug from across the oceans. ūüė¶

    Liked by 1 person

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