Zoloft – good or evil

Antidepressants are strange things. I’ve been taking 100mg of Zoloft for just over 12 months now. I thought I should try and describe my experience with it here and see if anyone wants to share theirs also. 

Most of you know my story. My struggles over the past 12 months have felt huge. I struggled prior to this period too though. Since having my daughter 6 years ago I’ve experienced a mild depression. I saw a therapist post my first miscarriage when my daughter was two. I was suffering anxiety as well, something I hadn’t experienced before. I knew I needed medication then and recall asking my therapist then if I should start some. She recommended a wait and see approach. Looking back I should of insisted on them. I was suffering more than I should of been.
I also saw a therapist prior to that for grief counselling after my nan who I was close to passed away. I took a mild dose of antidepressants then for 6 months or so and found they helped. I don’t seem to handle loss very well.
Going through fertility treatments really took its toll. I can see now with clarity that I should of sought therapy and medication earlier. My anxiety was through the roof, especially regarding my daughter. I recall thinking that it was the last time I’d see her whenever I left the house. I remember being in tears when my girlfriend took longer then I expected with driving her to the shops and back. The anxiety was getting the better of me. It started to affect work. Id get myself into a state before work and id often phone in sick last minute. I felt like everyone’s judging eyes were on me. I was convinced people could see straight through the facade I put up that everything was ok. For some reason that terrified me. I ruminated over everything. Every contact I had with someone I dissected always seeing myself in a bad light. If someone didn’t reply to a message I built up the worse situation in my head. My paranoia grew. I thought I was a burden to my friends, I felt like a failure, like people were looking at me with a ‘poor girl’ look in their eyes. It was a pretty awful time in my life. 
Now my anxiety is under control. I don’t ruminate or dissect anything like I did. Work is OK although I changed jobs to avoid having to face familiar faces too much. I don’t expect the worst of everything anymore. I don’t worry over my daughter so much now. Day to day living is easier, smoother and without the anxious feeling of dread all the time. 
I struggle to articulate exactly how I feel now. I feel halfway between low and high. I feel a dull kind of flatline that is neither happy or sad. I don’t wake up in the morning excited to start the day, I wake up and I do what has to be done. Some days I feel overwhelmed, like I can’t focus on any one thing, like my mind is on overdrive with too many tabs open at once. The only thing I can do then is go have a nap and forget about any productivity to the day. I find I can’t get motivated about anything. I have been a motivated person in the past but am no longer. I look down at my body and know I have to do something to lose the 20kgs I’ve out on but I can’t seem to muster the motivation. I eat without thinking. I’m drinking a little too much wine and I tell myself that it’s getting me through. I go through the motions at work but I’m just there to tick that box. I can’t seem to even muster considering what it is I would rather do for work. I question my ability often. Ok more often than not. 
This is where I am right now. Hopefully it’s not where I will always be

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Justification

‘I didn’t think that what I was doing was so wrong because we were over…’ This is what he said to me the other day. Had he forgotten the four attempts of IVF that we had gone through last year whilst he was having his affair. How does working on adding to our family make this over? Is this the way he justified everything to himself? Such a coward. I’d imagine you would have to have a huge justification in mind in order to be able to do what he did. He says he wishes everyday that this would of all happened differently. 

Can’t see eye to eye

I almost feel a sense of saddened acceptance of late. My therapist thinks I’m not realising what the reality of life is if we split. He thinks im not at that place yet. He’s probably right but it just feels sad, void of hope. 
We are currently in habitation in the same house but it feels like we’ve both given up. Strange how time just seems to go by and we are no closer to anything resolved. He’s been working long hours and I’ve been busy adapting to working as well with everything that comes with running a household. Life’s busy. He doesn’t want to go back to our therapist as he doesn’t think we are getting anywhere with him. I said to him that you have to actually do the work for it to work. 
He is still not sleeping in our bed instead resorting to sleeping in our daughters bed with her. He doesn’t feel comfortable he says sleeping in with me. So where does that leave us then? If we aren’t working on moving forward then what are we doing? Truth be told I’ve buried my head in the sand to a certain extent. His attitude doesn’t exactly foster a willingness from my part to communicate. He says that my spending doesn’t give him a warm and fuzzy feeling either. So once again we came to a standstill. 
I said to him that I still feel his resentment towards me and that its ingrained in him and how I feel I don’t deserve it. I actually don’t recall what his response was which goes to show that my active listening skills I was learning in therapy haven’t cottoned on. I’m sure it was some stupid reasoning of his, it never makes sense to me and I always come away feeling that he’s saying one thing but actually meaning another. I think I’m just really tired of it all.
Most days I just feel as though I must of done something really wrong somewhere along the line. Not so long ago he loved me. He really loved me. Did I take that love for granted? I naively thought it would always be there. We’ve been together for 21 years, married for 7. Everything changed after we had our daughter. He became really critical and I became depressed. His resentment built and it’s still there. It was from what I could tell based on the fact that I stopped working. He says it was the fact that I stopped contributing in any way. I didn’t support him, I didn’t show consideration to him. He shut down when I needed him the most. I was struggling and he was thinking how he had it hard, working long hours to support us and I don’t deny he did. He did and still does work crazy long hours but we just can’t see eye to eye on this problem. Exhausting!!
Anyhow just needed to get these thoughts out of my head. These thoughts go around and around in my head and get so tiring so feels better to get them out on paper. 

Snippets that stick

Snippets of conversation I read on their messages to each other…funny how I remember certain bits word for word. Don’t know why I’m thinking of all this tonight or why I’m writing it but better out then inside of me. It’s been a while between posts. Sorry that all I’ve got is a recap for now. I’ll update properly soon when I have the headspace. 
Her words are in italics.

Snippets in no particular order.
What are you going to do about your marriage? 

Well the first step is to put some distance between us. She won’t like it but ultimately will be happier long term.
You look so tired today. I need you well rested for tonight
What’s happening at home. What’s he doing? Leaving you alone I hope.

He’s on his iPad as usual. Probably stalking me lol

Lol I hope not. We could be in trouble!
I really liked this morning in the shower. Your quite talented 
I can be out of here by 11. Hope you brought a summer dress. 

I have no idea what excuse I’m going to use to leave work early lol

You’ll figure it out, your resourceful 
Merry Xmas. I’ve driven up to the top of a hill in the middle of Xmas lunch with my vodka in hand hoping to catch you on line. Your on my mind a lot. You’ve grown quite dear to me. Your such a special person and I hope that you get every happiness you deserve. The sun will shine again for you.

It’s sunny when I’m with you.

Then we best get you some vitamin d then.
I’ve worked out I can make an escape for a night. It’s been too long without you. 

How?

I’ll say I’m coming back to work to do payroll and will stay the night.

Won’t she get suspicious?

No I told you, she’s she has no care factor. You don’t believe me when I tell you how things are between us do you?

Hmm, not really.
She’s in total denial about our marriage. I just discovered prenatal vitamins in her bag.

Jesus what is wrong with people. Don’t they want to be happy?

Nope. They are lazy. It’s too hard for some.

Geez my hubby and her would be a good match.

Yep it’s too hard for some to want to improve themselves. You and me are at the only ones that have improved themselves.
How are things at home? Hope your ok

Not good. By the time I got home she had cried all her tears already.

Oh that’s terrible. So hard to come home to that.

Her best friend is here. I just want to go. Would it be bad if I go?

Hmm probably.

She found out the sex of the baby. Stupid of her to want to know that at this stage.

Oh no. That makes it all so much harder.

Yep. No use knowing that now. Have to remember it’s all for the best.

How can you be so positive in all this?

Because I know it’s the best outcome for all
We’ve had such a bad day. No one is having a good day here. Things have to change. She talked about doing another IVF cycle on the way there in the car. No good.

Oh. What did you say?

That I didn’t want to do another one. That I wanted a separation.

What did she say? 

She cried about me not wanting to try again for a baby. She said nothing when I talked about separating. What do you think that means?

Hmm not sure. Maybe she was shocked?

Yeh I don’t know.
That was the longest courtship in history.

Yep it was for me too. Such a long time imagining what your kiss would be like again. 

It feels like things are moving fast.

It does. Everything feels amazing when I’m with you. The sex isn’t bad either lol

Lol it’s amazing! 

Yep!
She’s so amazing. She melts me.

She is. I hope you went outside and played ball with her.

I did. She said I don’t want to play soccer with my team daddy, you are my team. I can see me crumbling if she tries to stop me from leaving. I’m like putty in her hands.

It’s so hard with kids. That’s the reason I’ve stayed all these years too.
How’s it all going there.

Crap. Spending our time arguing over who is sun baking and who is looking after her. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Been two very long days.
There’s a lot to work out with the finances and everything. Ill be covering everything like I do now when we seperate

Really? Why so

She’s not working. She’s not capable at the moment. Her depression has been bad. 

Why do you think that is?

I don’t know. She doesn’t try to help herself. 

Zoloft not working?

Nope. 
What caused your marriage to go bad do you think?

I stopped trying to make her better. She became selfish.

Dirty secret

I haven’t told many people about my husbands infedility. Only three of my friends whom I know I can trust. No family know about it. Other really good trustworthy friends don’t know and I don’t know whether I’m doing the right thing by not sharing with them. I oddly feel a sense of protection over my hubby. I know he feels ashamed and I feel like I’m holding his dirty secret. One of my friends that knows all about us tells me that I should share the news with friends and family so that I can get the support I need. I keep thinking of another friend of mine that had her husband cheat and I could never quiet feel the same way about him again even when they reconciled. 
I feel guilty when my friends share with me their relationship issues. I feel a sense of disconnect. If I ever tell them how will they feel. Will they feel as though I didn’t trust them enough or didn’t think our friendship was worthy. Strange the things I think of sometimes.

Lunch break ponderings

It’s strange the feelings that suddenly come by me. Like late realisations of what has happened and the depth of his betrayal almost like its my body that is catching up with my reality. 
I feel a certain hopelessness with the situation that I didn’t feel prior to the last few weeks or so. He stated often in therapy that he wasn’t sure our relationship was fixable but I disagreed. I feel that he isn’t putting in effort where as he thinks he is but thinks he’s doing it all wrong. I don’t know if my wounded heart is unrecoverable as one minute I feel like we are moving forward and the next the disgust and hurt I feel about what he did is unrelenting. 
I know he loves our daughter more than the world but him staying because of that love only is not acceptable to me. I feel as though he doesn’t see me. 

My heart doesn’t understand

Lately I’ve been pondering on how well you really know someone. Can people really change dramatically or do you think there was always a bit of that person you didn’t know hiding away in some unseen recess. 
I remember my husband holding me tight in his arms when he told me that my nan had passed away. That was 8 years ago. My nan was my favourite person in the world and the devastation I felt in the moment was soothed only by him. It’s a moment I’ll never forget. I remember feeling as though him telling me that she had passed away was the worst job for someone to have to do but I was so grateful that it was him that bore the news. There is so much my heart doesn’t understand now. 
My sister in law, my husbands sister just lost a pregnancy. It was a much wanted one. She travelled to Greece for a donor egg for ivf. There was no heartbeat at 12 weeks. I asked my husband if she was ok and he said yes and that she knew the odds were stacked against her with her advanced age. It’s funny cause it’s the exact same thing he said to me upon finding out our baby had down syndrome. I don’t know what I’m to think or feel about this but I know it has me awake still at this late hour. 
His response sounded as clinical and cold both times he said it. Does he really believe that knowing the odds of something bad happening lessens the pain. We both lost hopes and dreams. Knowing the odds did nothing to make it hurt any less. I’m wrestling with myself to understand this view of his. 
Somebody commented on one of my posts that my pregnancy loss was his lost too but he failed to understand or mourn either with me or alone. I’m at a loss to understand this man whom I thought at his very core was goodness and kindness. Maybe he’s still there but he’s covered up in resentment.