Antidepressants are strange things. I’ve been taking 100mg of Zoloft for just over 12 months now. I thought I should try and describe my experience with it here and see if anyone wants to share theirs also.
Most of you know my story. My struggles over the past 12 months have felt huge. I struggled prior to this period too though. Since having my daughter 6 years ago I’ve experienced a mild depression. I saw a therapist post my first miscarriage when my daughter was two. I was suffering anxiety as well, something I hadn’t experienced before. I knew I needed medication then and recall asking my therapist then if I should start some. She recommended a wait and see approach. Looking back I should of insisted on them. I was suffering more than I should of been.
I also saw a therapist prior to that for grief counselling after my nan who I was close to passed away. I took a mild dose of antidepressants then for 6 months or so and found they helped. I don’t seem to handle loss very well.
Going through fertility treatments really took its toll. I can see now with clarity that I should of sought therapy and medication earlier. My anxiety was through the roof, especially regarding my daughter. I recall thinking that it was the last time I’d see her whenever I left the house. I remember being in tears when my girlfriend took longer then I expected with driving her to the shops and back. The anxiety was getting the better of me. It started to affect work. Id get myself into a state before work and id often phone in sick last minute. I felt like everyone’s judging eyes were on me. I was convinced people could see straight through the facade I put up that everything was ok. For some reason that terrified me. I ruminated over everything. Every contact I had with someone I dissected always seeing myself in a bad light. If someone didn’t reply to a message I built up the worse situation in my head. My paranoia grew. I thought I was a burden to my friends, I felt like a failure, like people were looking at me with a ‘poor girl’ look in their eyes. It was a pretty awful time in my life.
Now my anxiety is under control. I don’t ruminate or dissect anything like I did. Work is OK although I changed jobs to avoid having to face familiar faces too much. I don’t expect the worst of everything anymore. I don’t worry over my daughter so much now. Day to day living is easier, smoother and without the anxious feeling of dread all the time.
I struggle to articulate exactly how I feel now. I feel halfway between low and high. I feel a dull kind of flatline that is neither happy or sad. I don’t wake up in the morning excited to start the day, I wake up and I do what has to be done. Some days I feel overwhelmed, like I can’t focus on any one thing, like my mind is on overdrive with too many tabs open at once. The only thing I can do then is go have a nap and forget about any productivity to the day. I find I can’t get motivated about anything. I have been a motivated person in the past but am no longer. I look down at my body and know I have to do something to lose the 20kgs I’ve out on but I can’t seem to muster the motivation. I eat without thinking. I’m drinking a little too much wine and I tell myself that it’s getting me through. I go through the motions at work but I’m just there to tick that box. I can’t seem to even muster considering what it is I would rather do for work. I question my ability often. Ok more often than not.
This is where I am right now. Hopefully it’s not where I will always be