Getting nowhere fast

We’ve moved into our new house. It should feel good as its something we’ve wanted to do for so long now. More space, newer more modern home has been much wanted but now I’m here it means nothing. It’s tarnished by the state of my our marriage. My husband asked our therapist if it would be best if he not move in in order to give me some space. He advised against that as its not really working on the relationship. 
I can’t help feeling like he has one foot out of the door already. He’s getting around miserable and our daughter keeps asking him why he’s so sad. I’m so confused about everything. I can’t talk to him he’s like a bear in a cave. We are getting nowhere fast. I just feel so sad too. I cried myself to sleep last night. My husband has been sleeping in with my daughter to try and get her to sleep in her own bed. Yes, she’s 5 and she still sleeps with us. He didn’t try and sneak out and come in bed with me and I just felt so lost and alone. I really needed a hug or some thing, some sign that he still cares about us but im not so sure anymore. These feelings are awful. I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone.

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Low life whore

Im thinking of messaging the Whore something like this…my hate for her is festering inside. I want her to know pain like I feel. I want her to wake up every day and wonder whether today is the day life as she knows it comes crumbling down around her.

I have a few questions for you. What did it feel like to sleep with my husband knowing his wife was pregnant? How did you justify it to yourself? What did you tell yourself so you could sleep at night? What did it feel like to go on a date with him the day I lost my baby you dirty, low life whore. What would your husband think? What sort of woman are you? Your absolute scum that’s what you are and your dead on the inside. 

Letter to my husband 

I wish I were you sometimes. Then I wouldn’t of had to connect at all with our baby that was growing inside me. I wouldn’t of let myself feel anything at all. I could of said it was meant to be and moved on with my life. I could of went and distracted myself with my other life of fantasy and justifying to myself why I deserved this. I could of told myself what a selfish partner I had and how we didn’t have sex anymore so that meant I could do whatever I wanted to. No harm in that right. I could of told myself how it didnt matter how i treated my daughters mother because I loved her unconditionally. Even if I wasn’t present on a day or two here and there in our holiday, on the days where the little things matter most. I wouldn’t tell myself how I was cheating her too. Those little things on these days I spent with another I won’t regret right? I won’t look back in 10 years from now and wish I saw her frolicking in the waves and wish I’d relished every moment. Instead I was entertaining a whore. 

Feeling low

So over the weekend my sister in laws announces that her and her husband are travelling to Greece to do ivf with a donor egg. Whilst I’m happy for them it also made me a bit sad. I realised the contrast between her husband and mine. He is super supportive of her even going so far to organise business class flights from Sydney to Greece to ensure she’s relaxed. He’s excited about it all but is worried about what happens if it doesn’t work. I guess it just bought to light the contrasts between our situation and there’s. I pretty much endured all the ivf process alone without much support from my husband. 
My husband offered up all of our baby gear to them but my heart was screeching to a halt telling me that I can’t go there yet. I’ve only just lost a baby and I’m not ready to part with the baby stuff yet. Does that make me a selfish person? I just can’t. 
They both know that we did ivf but I found that I couldn’t even talk about it. His family don’t know that we were pregnant and lost it. I couldn’t even go there. I feel so alone and cut off from everybody. Not only am I keeping what feels like this dark secret of my termination I’m also having to shelf my feelings over my husbands infidelity. 
Another mum from my daughters school has befriended me and she started telling me a bit about her life. She started talking about how she’s trying to have a baby but is finding it hard. She spoke about terminating a pregnancy a year ago as she was having an affair on her husband with her ex. She fell pregnant to him and decided to terminate as she was confused. She’s worried now that she can’t seem to fall pregnant. As much as confessing to my experience to her would of felt good the words just wouldn’t come out. Why do I continue to feel such shame whilst others can share their experiences and gain support. I just feel so confused and alone. 
I’m feeling low today. I would of been 30 weeks pregnant. How life has changed in such a short amount of time.