It’s taboo this loss

This was posted anonymously on my behalf today on Instagram on a page I follow ‘ihadamiscarriage’

It’s taboo this loss, and much like my miscarriage, I grieve alone. 
Four agonising rounds of IVF it took. Secondary infertility. Our chances were slim but still I believed in you. 
I handed daddy a positive pregnancy test. Father’s Day. He was quiet. I thought I saw tears swell. I can’t be sure.
The 6 week scan when I held my breathe till I saw your flickering heart. Hope grew.
Your big sisters face when asked whether she wanted a brother or a sister. There was no question. She wanted you, the way she jumped that day from her chair to mine saying with excited eyes ‘mummy I told you there was a baby sister in there.’
The day that I found out you had Down syndrome, my 41st birthday. The heartache of carrying you after making the gut wrenching choice that we couldn’t keep you. How I took my prenatal vitamins to the very day they took you from my body, hoping for a miracle. 
The 30 seconds before the anaesthetic hit when I told you I was sorry over and over. The utter emptiness I felt after. The way the light in my eyes have dimmed somewhat.
I rang the hospital the next day asking for your remains but you were just ‘a product of conception’ or so they said. 
The pregnancy symptoms that continued for a week after you were gone. How your sister keeps asking when your coming.
Learning your daddy and my partner of 22 years was cheating throughout your 13 week gestation. Finding out he left me in hospital on the very day I lost you to go to her. He didn’t have an urgent work meeting. I lost faith in humanity in that moment. 
What do I do with all this? I don’t know. It’s taboo this loss. 

Relief

Life feels a little upended which I suppose is to be expected. It feels strange not be charting my period and be consumed by all things fertility. I couldn’t even tell you when my period is due that’s how much my focus has changed. I feel like I’ve come out of one fog and into another. 
Part of me feels relief if I’m honest. Ivf was so all consuming and I willingly had my life on hold in many areas. It’s not that I want a second child any less and I know the yearning is still there, I just feel like a weight has been lifted. A few short weeks ago I was all set to go ahead with embryo banking by doing 3-4 rounds of ivf. As much as I wanted a positive outcome I was dreading what I knew the next few months would bring. 
I don’t know that my heart has come to terms with this really being the end of my chances for another child. I know that I wish that my last pregnancy didn’t end the way it did and a big part of me regrets that that will forever be the one that almost was. It’s a horrible way to go out.  
I’m also dreading having to cull and pack all my baby gear before we move. I keep putting it off. I think I’m going to take it all with me and then sift through it when my heart is ready. 
One thing at a time. 

I want an explanation 

I feel like I want an explanation from him. I asked him why over and over again but he had no answer except that there was nothing he could say to make it better. I felt like it was some sort of game to him. He seemed to have enjoyed the hiding of the affair and he asked me what made me suspicious in order to check his messages. He was interested in how he was found out. In our couple session the therapist asked him if he had been unfaithful before and he said no but looking back I don’t believe him. He seemed to slip into the role of a cheater way too easily. I could be wrong but I dont think so. I know in their messages there was talk between them about their first kiss and their first sexual encounter being the longest courtship for both of them. I asked him if he loved her and he said he didn’t know. When I confronted him that night he started saying ‘but we havent had a sexual relationship for a while’ almost like he believed that justified his behaviour. 
He said that we grew apart and i replied that it would of been nice to know that before I put myself through 4 rounds of ivf asshole. We were pregnant when the sexual part of the affair began I think. I’ll be delving into these details with our therapist present next week. 
Nothing is ever black or white is it. I find it hard to believe that they have broken the affair off altogether. It doesn’t sit right with me. My therapist said that men would see the affair differently than women. They are less likely to be emotionally invested and he feels it wouldn’t be unusual for my husband to have walked away from her. 
Regardless of all this I need to know if there is any shred of goodness left in my husband. I need him to take responsibility for this. I need to know how it felt and if he felt anything at all whilst all this was going on. I myself would of been blindsided by guilt. I would hate myself and I said that to him that night. I said you must hate yourself and I saw it struck a sore spot with him. Will an understanding of everything help me gain closure if that’s the path I’m going down? Or maybe I’ll be left with the feeling that I had him all wrong all this time.

Blessed

Sometimes there are moments in this life that remind us of what’s important. This morning I went to my daughters school a a volunteer to help with gross motor which is like sports for little kids with an emphasis on hand and eye coordination.
My daughter was so excited that I was coming to her school. They were all so cute. At the end the teachers told the kids to say thank you to us patent helpers. She came up to me and gave me the biggest hug and said thank you mummy! 
She is what I am blessed with. If nothing else good is to come out of my husbands and I twenty one year union, I know with certainty that I am beyond blessed with her. 

31 days 

It’s been 31 days since I read about my husbands double life. 31 days since my heart split open and everything became tainted. 31 days that have been a mix of so many emotions that I don’t even know where to begin to describe them. 31 days trying to figure out how the person I’ve loved for 21 years could of betrayed me the way he has. 
I hate that I’m now the person that suspects wrong in his every doing. I was never that way. I always gave him enough rope always thinking that if temptation knocked he’d remember his vows to me. I believed that no matter how our communication broke down that if he slipped up he would be remorseful and not repeat it. That I could live with. I was such a fool. Maybe I’m still being a fool in letting him stay here in our house , by agreeing to counselling to become amicable. I have so much anger now. I need to find a way to get it out, I feel it festering. It feels toxic and foreign. 
I sent her a message. I found her on Facebook. I want her to feel an ounce of the pain I’m feeling. I know it takes two to tango. They are both to blame but it’s easier for me to focus this anger towards her then to the man I love. I want her to lay awake at night thinking of the consequences of what she’s done. I told her that I have written proof of the affair. I told her that I hope she’s sleeping well at night. She knows I can tell her husband all about it, tell her boss and get her fired but in doing so it gets my husband fired so that’s no good. I know it’s juvenille and gets me nowhere really but for now I get satisfaction imagining her squirm.
My husband asked me why I messaged her and I explained the above. He said I should speak to my therapist about it. I discovered that he’s been in my phone and deleted my pics of their messages to each other. I was so angry and hence my message to the whore. I thought it might of been her keen to get rid of any evidence but he says he deleted them for my benefit. He doesn’t think me looking at them everyday is conducive to us moving forward. I told him I don’t need messages to remember. The shit I read is ingrained in me now forever. He doesn’t get it. 
So that’s where we are at. He wants me to tell therapist that we need a couples session ASAP. I explained how therapist wants a few more sessions with me regarding mum before we do couple stuff as he thinks it’s my husbands main issue with our marriage and he disagreed. 
Everything is all over the place. Im busy packing in prep for moving house in 4 weeks. We discussed buying a house as an upgrade for my daughter and I. If we split I fare better in that we have a bigger asset to share. It’s hard as we dont know what the next few weeks will bring. 
I’m getting by day by day trying not to project my thoughts too far in the future for now. It’s all I can handle right now. 

She didn’t love me…

I had a rather confronting individual session with our marriage counsellor today. The plan is to build me up and give me some emotional independence from my mum mainly. We discovered she is a major issue in our marriage so the plan is for me to work on distancing myself emotionally from her. Then we can work on our marriage. I won’t lie I’m very anxious about leaving my marriage hanging by a thread while I work in this. We are in a bad place but I know I need to do this. 

We looked at our relationship while i was young and I’ve described it as her being needy of me. I said I felt sorry for her. Sorry that she was so infullfilled. I tried to pull away from her but she always got more needy and ended up suffocating me and still does. We have a reversed relationship in that I feel like the patent. Counsellor said to imagine that she is a needy child starving for love and I will start to understand her and her actions more. 
I explained that she has mostly been caring and kind towards me and others but have discovered that it’s just her selfishness packaged as caring and kindness. Her acts of kindness were always a way of manipulation. Nothing was done or given out of love it was all to guarantee her wellbeing and in an effort to be loved. 
She also always put a barrier between my dad and I which I always thought was for her to have the upper hand. My brother and I were almost like possessions to her. Her playing cards to hurt our dad but turns out she saw me as competition for my dads affection. She so desperately needed that affection and wasn’t going to let him give it to me. I hadn’t thought of it like that before and I’m still getting my head around that. 
My homework is to prove my counsellor wrong and find things actions from the past that might prove that she does love me. When I see him next week im to talk about that and also discreetly ask my mum more about her childhood. 
I don’t know why but I didnt cry during this session. Denial on my part? Maybe. I kept coming up with excuses for her when asked whether I thought she loved me. What you live with becomes the norm so I suppose this revelation is new to me. 
So what now? Try to process all of this. Blog it all out to help analyse it and go from there. Day by day is all all I can focus on for now. 

What sort of woman?

Been thinking about her a lot the past week or so. I can’t really describe the feelings I have towards her. Part of me wants to meet her, talk with her and find out what sort of woman she is but part of me already knows. A lowlife that’s what she is. What sort of woman could do what she has? I honestly could not imagine if I was in her shoes and knew of my recent struggles that I could of done what she has. She knew everything about me and my relationship with my husband. She knew of our IVF attempts, my depression, counselling sessions and that I was taking Zoloft. She knew that I was having a termination the day she left work to meet up with him and spend the day at the beach together. I want to ask her what that felt like. How did her heart feel? How did she sleep that night? Did any part of her being relate at all or was there no empathy between her and I? She’s a mother surely she would of had an inkling of what I would of been going through. I of course have similar questions to my husband. He’s by no means let off the hook but I am letting myself be consumed by her right now. 
Do I feel jealousy? It’s not the overriding feeling right now but I’m sure that will come. I feel disgust mainly. I just keeping asking myself how? How? How is the exact question I asked my husband when I confronted him but he had no answer. He kept saying that there was nothing he could say to make it better and that it had felt horrible. 
It’s that day. That day November 4th, the worst day of my life that I can’t get over. The day I said goodbye to life inside of me. Everytime i think of this betrayal on that day it feels like someone has reached in and ripped my heart out of my chest. I didn’t think that the day could hold any more pain for me but here I am.  
I will survive this. Somehow I will come out the other end stronger, wiser and happier. I can’t let this destroy my belief that there is good in people. I don’t want this to destroy my trust in love and kindness. After I had confronted him I wrote something in my phone notes. It was an overwhelming feeling that I had to note down. I keep referring back to it when I’m finding it tough. 
Here’s my note below. It reminds me that it’s no good me reacting with fear and hate. I will remain the better person through this. 
Remember;

Love trumps all. Fill your heart with love and all will be ok. More love, less fear.