My heart breaks for her

My baby started kindergarten today. She went happily playing with her little friends. I didn’t shed a tear like I thought I would. Not till I walked back in the door at home. 
The feeling was overwhelming and I can’t work out whether it’s the sadness accompanying my daughter starting on her adventure or the desolation I feel feeling like I’ve just lost my husband too. I’m so angry at him for that. Something that should be a happy occasion has become tainted by betrayal. I’m so lost. 
He told me he was going to talk to me this week about separating but I found out his deceit beforehand. The idiot reasoned that now would be a good time to lay this on me. My only child is starting school, I’m still reeling from losing our baby, I’m struggling to keep this depression intact but feel that these meds aren’t working. I feel like my heart has shut up shop for good. 
We are going to couples counselling tomorrow. Not necessarily for saving our marriage but in order to at least mend our relationship to the point that we can be amicable for the sake of our daughter. She is worth everything. My heart breaks for her. She loves her daddy so much and I feel that I owe it to her to at least try and fix it. I’m so lost. 


I will get through this

Thank you everyone for your concern over my current situation. I am very lucky to have real life special friends that are there for me night and day. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate each and everyone of you that understand so much of what I’ve been through. Thank you so much for all of your support. It means alot. I will get through this. I have to. My beautiful girl is depending on it.


It’s so strange that I had a dream a week ago where I was talking to a psychic and she told me that I’d have a major gut wrenching situation up ahead. I recall laughing it off and replying ‘don’t worry I’ve already been there and had that’, referring to my medical termination of my much wanted baby. She said ‘no that’s not it, there’s more to come.’ That was the end of the dream. Freaky!
It’s been 48 hours since I found out the news that my husband of 6 years and partner for 22  has been having an affair amid all my treatments last year of IVF. It also continued through my pregnancy and even the very day of my termination, the worst day of my life. November 4th, a date etched in my memory forever. When I saw the date and their messages to each other on that day, well I can’t even describe the feeling. I went into theatre and 20 mins later he’s messaging her to say what time he ‘could get out of there.’ They then proceeded to spend the day and much of the evening together, reminding her to wear a summer dress and telling me he had a meeting he HAD to attend. My mum picked me up and took me home. 
I’ve lost my faith in everything right now. 


He’s been having an affair. Just found out yesterday from messages between him and her on his phone. Haven’t confronted him yet as I’m researching my rights with regards to separation. 22 years I’ve known this man, bore him a child, done fertility treatments together and all the while this past 15 months he’s been unfaithful both emotionally and physically. I don’t know this person he’s become. How does someone do this to anyone. I get affairs is one thing but the deceit and the fact that I’ve loved this man all my life is heartbreaking. 

My faith in everything I thought I knew is destroyed. 

PGS testing or straight fresh transfer?

That is the question I’m asking myself after my appointment with fertility specialist today. I went to discuss our options with regards to trying IVF again *wince* I know I have mixed feelings about getting back on this crazy train again! Specialist was I think veering towards pgs testing for us. I had previously thought we had to develop the embryo to day 5 before they could be tested so had thought that wasn’t an option for us as we usually transfer day 3 or day 4. She said we could aim to get 10 fertilised embryos banked to then send off for testing. It would probably take me 3 cycles to do so. So if I did 3 cycles with a cycle rest between each id be done by July. All in the quest to get one chromosonally normal embryo to transfer. We talked about trying to avoid miscarriage or god forbid another pregnancy having to result in a termination. I don’t think I could handle that. In some ways it might make the process of Ivf easier as you don’t have the 2 week wait with each transfer. I suppose I would just focus on recovering between cycles rather than suffer the emotional stress that comes along with awaiting the results.

She also said that there’s no guarantee that we get any normal embryos to transfer at completion. There also a chance the embryos don’t survive the freeze and thaw process, so even if I did get one good one it could end up being not viable because of the stress of the procedure. 
I think also part of me is impatient with how long it will take to actually even get a result but then I think of all the time that my last pregnancy sucked up I can see the practicality of testing. I could of done another 2 cycles in the time in which I was pregnant and recovering from my loss. Time is not in my side. I really don’t know which way to go or how many cycles I can commit to doing. This debate has really thrown me as I wasn’t expecting to have this option. I need to decide either way before day 1 of my cycle so my treatment can be planned. 
Any advice or input appreciated guys xx

I’m so sorry baby

It’s the unexpected moments that make you feel that your heart is being ripped out of your chest. We’ve been on a beach holiday as a family along with a few other families and their kids.
My daughter stood by my side one of the days watching two siblings play and she looked up at me and asked ‘when will I get a baby sister mumma?’
What do I say? I had no words. I lent down and gave her the biggest hug. I’m so sorry baby.

Goodbye 2016

As 2016 closes I feel I owe it an appropriate send off. 2016 you have tested me in so many ways. I knew at your beginning that you would be trying but I’d no idea as to really what that meant. I thought your year prior were challenging but 2015 had nothing on you 2016. 
Like anything, through any trials there are lessons to be learnt. I’ve realised that I’m stronger than I knew. I’ve also realised that at the same time I am fragile and have come to see how fragile life really is. With this I have a deeper sense of gratefulness for all that I do have. I am beyond grateful for my daughter and all the joy she continues to bring to my life. 
That’s all I know for sure.