Anger

So I have some unresolved anger issues. I know I have to dissipate it or else it’s going to eat me alive. I have been conjuring up some pretty intense revenge scenarios but I know I can’t carry them out or I’ll end up in jail. Damn! 
My therapist tried to work with me on my anger 6 months ago but it didn’t gel with me. He suggested punching a bag that he had set up in his office. He said to imagine their faces on the bag and go for gold but I felt self conscious maybe. I couldn’t picture myself doing that. His other suggestion was to write down lots of descriptive bad words about them on a big piece of paper. I did that but didn’t feel any better.
When I bashed his car in (not my finest moment I know) I felt such a release while I was swinging at it. It felt like a bubble had popped inside of me. Not sure how else to explain it. I feel like if I could experience that release about 100 times over I would feel a bit better. 
Does anyone have any suggestions? Have any of you had anger issues and worked through them successfully? Any experiences welcome xx

That’s the difference

It’s late and sleep will not come. I lay in bed next to my daughter with so many intrusive thoughts in my head. He’s next door asleep in the other room but yet I can still sense his poison. It’s thick in the air. He can’t even look at me, mostly he chooses not to unless absolutely necessary. I do the same. One word answers is all he gets from me. I don’t deserve this poison. 

I don’t know how it came to be so instilled in him, like an infection that won’t go. A stranger walks in my house and he feels like the enemy. I didn’t want to see it before, I still don’t. It’s there though, it thickens the very air I breathe, makes me walk on eggshells, makes me doubt my own sanity. It makes me question everything I thought I knew about myself. It makes me question the purity of my soul, makes me wonder if I have caught it this poison of his. I feel my heart has become so dark. I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t want to become this person who thinks such dark thoughts towards someone. I can’t let him do that. I’m a good person and thats the difference between him and me. 

Long days

The ring was back on his finger this morning. Whatever that means I don’t know. It’s amazing to me that he wanted to get married so bad in the first place when it obviously means nothing to him. He came home after work last night and I went into a different room. He is quiet and I have withdrawn. Things are shit.

I hope this doesn’t continue for too long. I do think it will be for at least another month or so.

I heard him talking to our daughter about them going away at Easter to be with the extended family. He’s not taking her. He can go by himself and get a taste of the single life he’s longed for. Asshole.

Amor meus vita mae

‘Amor meus vita Mae’is the inscription my husband and I both have on our wedding rings which is Latin for ‘all my love, all my life.’

I found his wedding ring on the bedside drawer this morning and I felt a knife twist in my heart. I don’t know whether he took it off and left it purposefully or not but I found myself sitting holding his ring and thinking about the vows we took and the meaning behind our rings. 

I find myself mourning for the person I thought had my back. I mourn for the future I thought I had with him, I mourn for trusting somebody so much. I mourn that I gave my all to him, 22 years of my life, more than half of my life. I know I will survive without him, I know I will rise but it doesn’t take away the pain. It doesn’t stop me from feeling as though every fond memory is now tainted with pain and regret. 

Not on my side

I have this horrible sense of dread in the pit of my stomach that won’t let up. It’s been 10 days of hell with so many emotions. I’m seeing a solicitor tomorrow and I’m feeling very out of my comfort zone. I don’t know what to expect, with anything right now. 

I feel like shaking myself and screaming to myself to hate him, forget him, shut off my feelings towards him but I can’t. He is a part of me and has been for so long. I don’t think I can do this. I can’t even picture life without him here. I know how weak this sounds, I know. I felt how weak I am when we went to court last week and I was asked what action I wanted to take. Instinctively I turned to him for assistance but what smacked me in the face was that he wasn’t on my side anymore. The person I knew and loved and who I thought loved me wasn’t standing there in front of me. That was so hard. All of this is so hard.