A million pieces of me…

My obstetrician called me at 6:30 in the morning and asked me to come in to discuss harmony test results first thing. I went in and she said the results said 99% chance of Down syndrome. I asked how accurate they were and she said accurate. I asked if the percentages vary as it does when you get a probability based on an ultrasound and blood test but she said no it’s the nature of the test.
Due to these tests still being screening and not diagnostic she suggested doing a cvs test which I’m doing today. It’s pretty much to just confirm findings and said I should prepare myself accordingly. She said she’d be very surprised if the test read as a false positive.
I had an ultrasound done in her clinic to check for heart beat and my heart sank. I saw her there, so tiny but so much a baby now. She was jumping around and kicking away. So much life. My heart broke like I never could of imagined it capable.
I also know now that it’s a girl. I wasn’t going to ask my ob but I couldnt help myself and I snuck a look at the results. I shouldn’t of.
My daughter asked why I am so sad. I said mummy is just a bit sad as I have to go the doctors today. She replied with ‘but mummy you always get needles and you are always brave.’ That much is true. Not today though. My heart sinks at the thought of seeing her on the ultrasound again.
My husband, my daughter and I were in the car and somehow she brought up the topic of babies. She talked about how she’s going to have a baby sister and I just broke. There’s a million pieces of me now.


9 thoughts on “A million pieces of me…

  1. Everything will be ok! Things won’t be easy, and I know you are a mess (I would be too). You may not want to hear this, but God only sends those special angels to strong parents who he knows will take care of them. YOU can take care of this sweet baby girl! It won’t always be easy, but you can do it. You were patient enough to go through all the infertility madness, maybe he was just making you stronger and more patient for your precious baby girl! Congrats by the way! It’s a girl! A sweet little girl!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. This little girl is was lucky baby to be born into a family that is going to love her!!! You are going to be an amazing Mommy to her and she’s going to have a big sister to live and protect her when she needs it. Yes, she is one Blessed little girl and you will be blessed to know her as well. Sending you big hugs!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We discussed what would happen if we got this result on the harmony test, and my partner was adamant that he would love the child regardless. We didn’t have that result, so I don’t know how I would have reacted. I do know that I follow these twins with DS on fb, called Ollie and Cameron, where their mum Elaine blogs about how much of a full life they have. It may be difficult for you to read now, but she does talk on her blog about the diagnosis and how they felt about that. Also it is a really supportive community. http://www.facebook.com/ollieandcameron

    Wishing you all the best. X

    Liked by 1 person

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