Remembering

I have to take a moment to write down these feelings. I just had a follow up appointment with my obstetrician and I’m in tears again. I’m sitting in a coffee shop and I don’t know what to do with myself, where to put myself or how I should feel.
I told her that I’ve never felt like this before and she told me that was normal and that she’d be more worried if it’s sitting there not shedding tears. She said it’s a very upsetting circumstance. She asked me what my plan was moving forward and I said more IVF and I asked her what she thought my chances were. She said they would be better if I could have pgs testing on my embryos but that really isn’t an option for us as we don’t get enough eggs to grow them to the required day 5 to enable the testing. She said she had faith in my ability but said I also have to begin to be aware that I might not be able to have another child.
She said moving forward with IVF and a subsequent pregnancy will be difficult for me as there will be many triggers and she recommended I keep seeing my psychologist throughout.
I know there’s nothing out of the ordinary here and no new revelations but I suddenly feel like my heart has dropped to the floor again. In her office I remembered all the easy appointments I had there with my daughters pregnancy, I remembered seeing the daughter I lost on that ultrasound screen full of so much life, I remembered sitting in that very chair and hearing the news that would turn my world to black. I don’t want anymore black.

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I would of loved you 

I saw a little girl about 2 years old with Down syndrome yesterday. She had a big sister about my daughters age. Her grandma was holding her and planting kisses on her cheek. It felt like my heart dropped through to the floor. She was loved, she was beautiful, she was just like anybody else waiting for the train on the station that day.
I would of loved you with all my being. I’m so afraid I’ve made the worst mistake.

Grief

A few things I’ve learnt about grief.
1. Not everyone you thought would show up for you in your darkest hour will. I’m discovering that the best way to deal with this is to remember that some people can only meet you where they are emotionally able.
2. You may not in a stable enough emotional position right now to question point 1 above. These people are not abandoning you in your hour of need even though it may feel like it. Think more on this later.
3. The beautiful friendships you have in this life will be strengthened. You will never forget nor should you the people that showed up for you. The people that held your hand and cried with you. Never let those people go.

What comes next?

I cried again today for the first time in a week or so. I’m home alone and the house is quiet and there’s space for me to be. I feel so void of anything. I feel flat, like I’m going through the motions of my everyday life and I feel a sense of disconnect which is probably my own doing. I’ve definetly minimised my interactions with people. The interactions Ive had leave me feeling mostly even more disconnected as I feel like I’m so aware of how I am. It seems to me that people will see through to the very heart of me or maybe they don’t see me at all, I don’t know.
People seem wrapped up in themselves especially at this time of year it seems or maybe I’m just feeling really alone and it feels that way.
I don’t know what comes next and I think this is adding to this feeling of loss and feeling lost.
Apologies for this rather bleak post. Just getting it all out.