My heart doesn’t understand

Lately I’ve been pondering on how well you really know someone. Can people really change dramatically or do you think there was always a bit of that person you didn’t know hiding away in some unseen recess. 
I remember my husband holding me tight in his arms when he told me that my nan had passed away. That was 8 years ago. My nan was my favourite person in the world and the devastation I felt in the moment was soothed only by him. It’s a moment I’ll never forget. I remember feeling as though him telling me that she had passed away was the worst job for someone to have to do but I was so grateful that it was him that bore the news. There is so much my heart doesn’t understand now. 
My sister in law, my husbands sister just lost a pregnancy. It was a much wanted one. She travelled to Greece for a donor egg for ivf. There was no heartbeat at 12 weeks. I asked my husband if she was ok and he said yes and that she knew the odds were stacked against her with her advanced age. It’s funny cause it’s the exact same thing he said to me upon finding out our baby had down syndrome. I don’t know what I’m to think or feel about this but I know it has me awake still at this late hour. 
His response sounded as clinical and cold both times he said it. Does he really believe that knowing the odds of something bad happening lessens the pain. We both lost hopes and dreams. Knowing the odds did nothing to make it hurt any less. I’m wrestling with myself to understand this view of his. 
Somebody commented on one of my posts that my pregnancy loss was his lost too but he failed to understand or mourn either with me or alone. I’m at a loss to understand this man whom I thought at his very core was goodness and kindness. Maybe he’s still there but he’s covered up in resentment. 


Different planets 

So the drama that has become my life continues…
I finally have the whores itinerary in my hot little hands. It looks legit but who can be sure. I’ve had to ask hubby twice for it so it’s taken just over a week. In the end he actually had it at home on the sideboard but hadn’t given it to me yet. This pissed me off. Makes me feel that my feelings about this are not important to him. He says that we didn’t have the appropriate time to talk about it. Different planets. 
He had to go to her and ask for the itinerary and he says she stated that she was uncomfortable about it. Seriously! She had the audacity to think she’s uncomfortable. Seriously unbelievable. Does she not realise how relatively comfortable I’ve allowed her to remain considering everything that’s happened? Does her husband know what a whore she is? Her boss? Her family and friends? I really want to message her a response to that comment but I know it will get me nowhere. 
I asked about the message I found on his phone which was him sending her a tourist guide to one of the cities she was visiting on her trip. My argument was that is was unnecessary contact. Let her find her own damn way around the country. I said that by him contacting her when it’s not an absolute necessity it’s inviting further interaction and leaves the door open to a reunion of sorts down the track. He can’t leave his options open if that is is intention. He says he’s sorry and there was no intention behind it and didn’t realise I would be so upset about it. 
I asked him if he loved her then or now and he said no. I want to believe him. I told him that if his heart isn’t in a reconciliation between us then we should just call it quits. He feels like we are going around in cycles. He said he doesn’t know how to make it better and to help me and I suggested for one that he not take 2 weeks to reassure me on something that has upset me and caused me to be suspicious. I suggested not to let me mull over things. If he cares he would clarify the situation straight away wouldn’t you. 
He says he sees the changes I’m making and the effort that I’m putting in to us but he’s wondering why now and why not before all this shit happened. I’m not sure of why not before. For one he was impossible to talk to. Our discussions would go nowhere and resolve nothing and it still feels a bit the same. I suppose our communication wasn’t clear in really knowing what he wanted and how he feels. He said he felt listened to and appreciated by the whore and he says he still doesn’t feel that from me even now. I reminded him the walls he put up over the past few years which made this almost impossible. He says he thought that me doing all the things he had wanted in the past would make him happy but he’s not sure it will. I reminded him that it’s a two way street and I’m trying to meet him half way here. In the end regardless of the problems in our marriage he’s the one that went outside the marriage and blew any trust we had. He doesn’t get to wallow in his resentment towards me. It’s weird no matter how much he talks about how badly he thinks I’ve treated him and how he eventually gave up and checked out of the marriage I still can’t see he has a valid reason for it. My view is that he sees no value in me being home and caring for our daughter for her first five years. He sees this time as time that I havent contributed either financially or practically to him and the family. I was working casually partly to give myself some adult time away from the home. It was never going to be a big contribute towards out finances. He says he felt overloaded and says it was his issue was never about financial issues rather support of him. He doesn’t understand that I struggled with post natal depression throughout. He doesn’t get that when he went off to work I was at home with a baby with sleeping and feeding problems. He doesn’t get how overwhelmed I felt by it all. He doesn’t get how losing two pregnancies has broken my heart in two and at times has made me not want to go on. He doesn’t see how when I needed him the most he decided to check out of the marriage. Maybe we were both so involved in our own problems that we didn’t have the capacity to show the other support. I dont know. I know you dont need a valid reason for falling out of love but you do to hold resentment like he’s holding still towards me. 

This stuff is exhausting! 

Another individual therapy session had today. Hubby couldn’t make it as he had surgery this week and already had two days off work. He’d been back from overseas business trip for a week then the surgery so things have been busy.
He went to work the day after he returned from his trip and I snooped in his bag. I feel as though I have the right, correct me if I’m wrong. I found his Iwatch which was unlocked so I read some messages. 
There was one from his boss that was sent to my husband and the whore which said ‘to those overseas, just letting you know that Scott resigned today with no explanation. I’m not finding this HR role fun.’ HR is the whores position so obviously they were both overseas on this work trip even though when I asked him if she was going he said no. 
I phoned my husband at work straight and asked him to tell me the truth, was she there. I told him about finding the message. He responded that I was reading too much into it and she was in China while he was in Budapest and offered to bring me her itinerary. I was so angry I just hung up. 
I expected him to come home with itinerary in hand but a week has gone by and there has been no discussion. I thought he would approach me knowing I was upset but he didn’t. I finally confronted him asking why we hadn’t spoke of it and he said he thought I had calmed down and realised I was blowing it out of proportion. I said some pretty nasty things and went to bed.
He wrote me a note the next day which said how sorry he was and how sorry he feels that he hurt me. He said he wishes he could change what happened everyday. He said he loves me and wants me to stop finding reasons to be unhappy. 
My therapist says that I have to ask him again calmly for the itinerary. If he goes on a rant about it I’m to stick to my guns and say I need him to prove to me that he can be trusted. He said to tell him he’s got a week to produce or I’ll go to her to get it. 
This stuff is exhausting! 

It’s then that I feel it

On the outside I smile to the world and seem to carry on like my world isn’t falling apart. On the inside the pain is immense. I feel like I really need the one person in the world I could depend on except that he is the one that has broken my world apart. 
I remember d-day when I confronted him I told him that I didn’t know what had happened to me. I felt like a shadow of who I used to be. Since having our daughter I’ve lost myself and have struggled. I asked him to please help me. I said that he knew me the most out of anyone and that I needed him to help me. I feel that same desperation tonight. It’s come over me like a wave. I sit here and I hear the quiet of the house, everyone is asleep and I feel the devastation of my heart. 
My heart and mind don’t understand any of this. They both seem to be refusing to comprehend that what we had is dead. This antidepressant is numbing the pain but it still seems to seep out of my minds crevice especially when I am quiet and I lay my head to sleep. It’s then that I feel it. 
I don’t know what I’ve done to have him feel the way he does about me now. It somehow feels like all my fault. I know that practically that it’s not but how will I look at my daughter everyday when her daddy is gone. This is all so shitty.