Anxiety f**k off!!

Got this sick feeling in my stomach. Kinda like when you’ve drunk too much coffee. Body is on high alert, I feel wired but yet caffeine intake is still my usual 1.5 cups a day I’ve cut down to.
Anxiety maybe? I don’t know, maybe, most likely. Had it yesterday too. Out shopping and I had this feeling that all of a sudden I HAD to go to bed. Came home went to bed, couldn’t sleep. Was restless. Same sick feeling.
Same today. Wiped my calendar clean so that I could have a restful day. Just had a relaxing bath but yet that high alert state remains. Can’t sit still, can’t focus. Just treated myself to a chocolate. Nope didn’t help. Writing it out now. See if that helps. Hmm maybe I do need to delete caffeine from my day. It’s been my last vice that I’m holding onto. Carbs, sugar, alcohol, all gone!! Could still have decaf I suppose. Hmm might try it tomorrow and see if it helps. This feeling is shitty.
Trying hypnotherapy this week. Was chatting to a friend at work and she asked me how I’m supporting myself during this next IVF cycle. I had no answer so I’ve decided to treat myself to this. Will hopefully help me slow my racing mind and nip this anxious feeling in the bud. I’ve been down this anxious road before and it’s no fun. Guilt raises its ugly head and reminds me how much money im already spending on IVF but I’m ignoring it. I need this support right now or else I’ll send myself crazy!
Fill you in on how it goes.

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Ironing room rambles

We’re building a house soon. I know I should be excited. It’s been on the agenda for a long time. My husband is excited. He just showed me the plans of the new house and in talking about the bedrooms he gave the five rooms their purpose. The main bedroom which is ours, our daughters room the 2nd largest, (insert awkward pause here and swallow a lump in my throat) 3rd room the IRONING ROOM, 4th room the guest room, 5th room study.
It seems even he doesn’t think that the possibility of us having another child will happen. Instead what could of been may never be. The room should of been for a baby, one to complete our family but instead will accomodate ironing. Can’t cope.
No I can’t get excited about the house. All I can think about is moving in and standing at that ‘could of’ been doorway with a longing that never ends. I don’t want 5 bedrooms to remind me of the emptiness of them. My world is totally consumed with ivf treatments and this feeling that my prayers will go answered. Fuck infertility!!

Promises

So many thoughts running around my head. One major thought is that I’m allowing myself to feel sorry for myself. I hate the idea of that its so self indulgent. Maybe it’s that I really need somebody to come fix me, fix my situation, fix my head space and make me feel whole again.
My daughter asked me the other day why she doesn’t have a sister or a brother. She’s getting to an age now where she’s questioning everything around her (I guess the age gap of 36 years is not that much of a variable when it comes to this!). How do I answer that? I told her that some people have have them and some people don’t then I gave examples of friends of mine who are single children and ones that have siblings. She nodded and seemed to accept that explanation.
Then she said ‘can Happy the cat be my sister mummy?’ (cue swallowing a lump in my throat) ‘yes honey she can be. I am so lucky,’ I said. ‘Now I have one green eyed girl and one blue eyed girl’. Cue big 4 year old smiles.
This is so hard!! F**k infertility! I’m so sorry I can’t give her what I really want her to have so much. I don’t want her to ever be lonely. What happens when my husband and I aren’t here anymore? We will be 56 and 57 when she’s 20! I never want her to feel alone in the world. She has no 1st cousins either.
Mummy’s trying honey so hard to give you the best surprise ever. Always know that. When you grow up you can look back at these writings and know how hard mummy tried and hopefully beat this shitty infertility. Love you always xx

Feeling a little lost

Feeling a little lost today. I’ll try to put into words the feeling but it all feels muddled and crap.

I just want this feeling to go away. I want to feel light again. I want to be able to involve myself in the things of small talk, trivial matters that most people involve themselves in and not have my head elsewhere. I want to smile again and truly feel it. I want to take my life off hold and live it without regret, without the endless feelings of guilt eating away at my soul. I don’t want to look back anymore with regret. I want to be the positive person again that I once was but i don’t know my way back to her.

I’ve felt this bleakness for a while now. Part of my guilt comes from having experienced both post and pre natal depression with my daughter. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a mum or more precisely that I could handle being a mum at all. So many doubts about becoming a mum that I drove myself crazy while I was pregnant. My actual pregnancy was a dream. Zero complications but so much going on in my head that I failed to truly appreciate the miracle happening inside me.  I was terrified and the feeling of lack of control continued after I gave birth to her. She’s become my entire world since but the path was rocky to say the least. Sleepless nights due to her feeding issues or rather my breastfeeding issues (insert guilty feeling here) exasperated my feelings of anxiety and failure due to the fact I couldn’t breastfeed. Her first year saw me riddled with anxiety that has only really receded in spurts. I feel like I missed so much of her little years. I don’t know where I was. I was here but I wasn’t. My mind was agitated. I felt so distracted, so not myself, so caught up in my own head and my own troubles that I feel now that I didn’t really appreciate what God had put in front of me. This perfect, sweet little girl that was all mine. She was what I needed to heal whatever it was inside me that couldn’t seem to be content.

It’s the same feeling I have now. So much energy being poured into conceiving our second child that I fear I’m not appreciating all that I have. Am I making the same mistake over and over again? What is it that I really want? I feel like I want to freeze time so I can relish every moment I have with her. I want to reverse the clock so I can recall more precisely the moment she was put into my arms, her first step, her first words. My memories feel faint even though I was there I feel like I was not.

It just hurts all of it.

Supplement city


So in an effort to be pro active whilst waiting for my next IVF cycle to start I’ve been seeing a naturopath. The main objective for me was to reign in my diet and start to shed a few kilos . Why does sugar have to taste so good damn it!! Of course the BIG objective is to help increase my fertility, namely my egg quality. Knowing I have endometriosis, I know that a diet low in sugar helps reduce its severity.

So this naturopath practices NET which is Neuro emotional technique. Really left field. I’m open minded but this technique was maybe even a tad too left field even for me. I’m willing to try though. The technique is difficult to explain but basically aims at getting your body to diagnose itself. It’s strange!

It’s been 2 1/2 weeks and feeling better. Not fantastic yet but definitely better. He diagnosed me with a shit load of inflammation. Inflammation and endometriosis = not good! I knew there was some issues as I have issues with my knees also of late but I seriously think it’s become rampant in my body. Ive also had multiple surgeries over the last 18 months and he explained that my body hasn’t dealt well with the anaesthetic thus causing an inflammation cascade in my body. Strangely it all does make sense.

He also told me that my ovaries were stressed. Poor ovaries, hang in there buddies, I feel your pain. They have been through a lot in the last few months.

So the prescription is to take a shit load of supplements (see above). My fertility specialist has cautioned me on taking herbs during IVF which I’m not going to do, just the supplements you can see here. They include

-DHEA (prescribed by specialist)

-LOTS of vitamin c to help with inflammation

-a preconception multi vitamin

-coq10

-lymphatox (for blood cleansing and detox)

– meta b complex (help maintain energy levels and support for stress)

-oxygenics (anti inflammatory)

-biotin (supports metabolism)

-b5 drops (a b group vitamin that I was lacking in- responsible for producing serotonin. Explains my depression possibly?)

-boron drops (helps embryonic development and boosts estrogen)

…and I think that’s it! All this effort and the craziness of another cycle hasn’t even started yet. So much for time out from all of the going ons. I do feel better having this project so to speak. I want to do everything I can to aid this next cycle.

One downside is the side effects I’ve noticed with the DHEA. I’m loosing quite a bit of hair. Luckily I have really thick hair but it came as a shock when I lost so much when I washed it last. If I start speaking in a mans voice I’ll really be freaking out!! Haha

Has anyone had experience with DHEA? Has it helped? What were your side effects?

Grateful

After my last post I thought I’d better counteract it with some positivity. I’m trying really hard to stay positive throughout all of this. I know that being truly grateful for what you have helps.

Of course I am truly grateful for my little girl. She is everything to me. I’m grateful for my husband for enduring all of this with me. I’m grateful to my family for the support and my friends for their understanding. I’m grateful for my health and the health of those I care about most around me. I’m grateful that everyday I get to do what I love for my work. I’m grateful that life affords me the opportunity through science to give us a chance at having another child.

I’m grateful for so much. I just need for this to be successful so I can breath a truly joyful breath again.

What’s this stage called??

Have I mentioned how much I hate this infertility bullshit? It’s all I can think about and I’m going through a stage (hopefully just a stage 😁) where I think everything and everyone is bullshit!! If I could escape from all of this and go live under a rock I’d consider it right now.

Everybodys stuff just seems insignificant to me right now and if I hear one more irrelevant statement/ small talk crap/ self obsessed thought verbalised etc I’ll scream and maybe internally implode.

I guess I’m at the anger stage. I’m angry, feeling sorry for myself, trying to remain optimistic, trying not to be too optimistic, preparing for the worst, preparing for the best, trying to keep myself busy but not too busy that I elevate my stress levels, trying to focus on my health but not obsess, trying to trust in my new RE but conduct my own research, get my husband to appointments but not stress him by taking him out of work too much, not take EVERTHING too personally. Every comment and insinuation from friends regarding IVF is starting to annoy me. I get that they are trying to help but seriously how about a filter before you speak?

I’m angry at myself that i can’t stick to a clean eating plan and I continue to put on weight. Motivation where the fuck are you?? If I can’t pull out all the stops on the nutrition side of things now, when it’s of upmost importance what chance do I have? I’ve had the discipline before when the odds were a lot less but can’t seem to pull it together now. My naturopath thinks that maybe it’s not what my body needs right now…he may be right but I don’t want to look back and stew on the fact that I didn’t do everything I could to make this next cycle a success. There’s only a few factors in my control and what I put into my mouth is one of them. It’s the lack of control over this that is SO hard to cope with.

Now that feels a bit better.

Heres to tomorrow being a better day. If your having a shitty day out there just remember to breath. Tomorrow is a chance to start fresh xx