Anxiety f**k off!!

Got this sick feeling in my stomach. Kinda like when you’ve drunk too much coffee. Body is on high alert, I feel wired but yet caffeine intake is still my usual 1.5 cups a day I’ve cut down to.
Anxiety maybe? I don’t know, maybe, most likely. Had it yesterday too. Out shopping and I had this feeling that all of a sudden I HAD to go to bed. Came home went to bed, couldn’t sleep. Was restless. Same sick feeling.
Same today. Wiped my calendar clean so that I could have a restful day. Just had a relaxing bath but yet that high alert state remains. Can’t sit still, can’t focus. Just treated myself to a chocolate. Nope didn’t help. Writing it out now. See if that helps. Hmm maybe I do need to delete caffeine from my day. It’s been my last vice that I’m holding onto. Carbs, sugar, alcohol, all gone!! Could still have decaf I suppose. Hmm might try it tomorrow and see if it helps. This feeling is shitty.
Trying hypnotherapy this week. Was chatting to a friend at work and she asked me how I’m supporting myself during this next IVF cycle. I had no answer so I’ve decided to treat myself to this. Will hopefully help me slow my racing mind and nip this anxious feeling in the bud. I’ve been down this anxious road before and it’s no fun. Guilt raises its ugly head and reminds me how much money im already spending on IVF but I’m ignoring it. I need this support right now or else I’ll send myself crazy!
Fill you in on how it goes.

Ironing room rambles

We’re building a house soon. I know I should be excited. It’s been on the agenda for a long time. My husband is excited. He just showed me the plans of the new house and in talking about the bedrooms he gave the five rooms their purpose. The main bedroom which is ours, our daughters room the 2nd largest, (insert awkward pause here and swallow a lump in my throat) 3rd room the IRONING ROOM, 4th room the guest room, 5th room study.
It seems even he doesn’t think that the possibility of us having another child will happen. Instead what could of been may never be. The room should of been for a baby, one to complete our family but instead will accomodate ironing. Can’t cope.
No I can’t get excited about the house. All I can think about is moving in and standing at that ‘could of’ been doorway with a longing that never ends. I don’t want 5 bedrooms to remind me of the emptiness of them. My world is totally consumed with ivf treatments and this feeling that my prayers will go answered. Fuck infertility!!

Promises

So many thoughts running around my head. One major thought is that I’m allowing myself to feel sorry for myself. I hate the idea of that its so self indulgent. Maybe it’s that I really need somebody to come fix me, fix my situation, fix my head space and make me feel whole again.
My daughter asked me the other day why she doesn’t have a sister or a brother. She’s getting to an age now where she’s questioning everything around her (I guess the age gap of 36 years is not that much of a variable when it comes to this!). How do I answer that? I told her that some people have have them and some people don’t then I gave examples of friends of mine who are single children and ones that have siblings. She nodded and seemed to accept that explanation.
Then she said ‘can Happy the cat be my sister mummy?’ (cue swallowing a lump in my throat) ‘yes honey she can be. I am so lucky,’ I said. ‘Now I have one green eyed girl and one blue eyed girl’. Cue big 4 year old smiles.
This is so hard!! F**k infertility! I’m so sorry I can’t give her what I really want her to have so much. I don’t want her to ever be lonely. What happens when my husband and I aren’t here anymore? We will be 56 and 57 when she’s 20! I never want her to feel alone in the world. She has no 1st cousins either.
Mummy’s trying honey so hard to give you the best surprise ever. Always know that. When you grow up you can look back at these writings and know how hard mummy tried and hopefully beat this shitty infertility. Love you always xx

Feeling a little lost

Feeling a little lost today. I’ll try to put into words the feeling but it all feels muddled and crap.

I just want this feeling to go away. I want to feel light again. I want to be able to involve myself in the things of small talk, trivial matters that most people involve themselves in and not have my head elsewhere. I want to smile again and truly feel it. I want to take my life off hold and live it without regret, without the endless feelings of guilt eating away at my soul. I don’t want to look back anymore with regret. I want to be the positive person again that I once was but i don’t know my way back to her.

I’ve felt this bleakness for a while now. Part of my guilt comes from having experienced both post and pre natal depression with my daughter. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a mum or more precisely that I could handle being a mum at all. So many doubts about becoming a mum that I drove myself crazy while I was pregnant. My actual pregnancy was a dream. Zero complications but so much going on in my head that I failed to truly appreciate the miracle happening inside me.  I was terrified and the feeling of lack of control continued after I gave birth to her. She’s become my entire world since but the path was rocky to say the least. Sleepless nights due to her feeding issues or rather my breastfeeding issues (insert guilty feeling here) exasperated my feelings of anxiety and failure due to the fact I couldn’t breastfeed. Her first year saw me riddled with anxiety that has only really receded in spurts. I feel like I missed so much of her little years. I don’t know where I was. I was here but I wasn’t. My mind was agitated. I felt so distracted, so not myself, so caught up in my own head and my own troubles that I feel now that I didn’t really appreciate what God had put in front of me. This perfect, sweet little girl that was all mine. She was what I needed to heal whatever it was inside me that couldn’t seem to be content.

It’s the same feeling I have now. So much energy being poured into conceiving our second child that I fear I’m not appreciating all that I have. Am I making the same mistake over and over again? What is it that I really want? I feel like I want to freeze time so I can relish every moment I have with her. I want to reverse the clock so I can recall more precisely the moment she was put into my arms, her first step, her first words. My memories feel faint even though I was there I feel like I was not.

It just hurts all of it.

Supplement city

So in an effort to be pro active whilst waiting for my next IVF cycle to start I’ve been seeing a naturopath. The main objective for me was to reign in my diet and start to shed a few kilos . Why does sugar have to taste so good damn it!! Of course the BIG objective is to help increase my fertility, namely my egg quality. Knowing I have endometriosis, I know that a diet low in sugar helps reduce its severity.

So this naturopath practices NET which is Neuro emotional technique. Really left field. I’m open minded but this technique was maybe even a tad too left field even for me. I’m willing to try though. The technique is difficult to explain but basically aims at getting your body to diagnose itself. It’s strange!

It’s been 2 1/2 weeks and feeling better. Not fantastic yet but definitely better. He diagnosed me with a shit load of inflammation. Inflammation and endometriosis = not good! I knew there was some issues as I have issues with my knees also of late but I seriously think it’s become rampant in my body. Ive also had multiple surgeries over the last 18 months and he explained that my body hasn’t dealt well with the anaesthetic thus causing an inflammation cascade in my body. Strangely it all does make sense.

He also told me that my ovaries were stressed. Poor ovaries, hang in there buddies, I feel your pain. They have been through a lot in the last few months.

So the prescription is to take a shit load of supplements (see above). My fertility specialist has cautioned me on taking herbs during IVF which I’m not going to do, just the supplements you can see here. They include

-DHEA (prescribed by specialist)

-LOTS of vitamin c to help with inflammation

-a preconception multi vitamin

-coq10

-lymphatox (for blood cleansing and detox)

– meta b complex (help maintain energy levels and support for stress)

-oxygenics (anti inflammatory)

-biotin (supports metabolism)

-b5 drops (a b group vitamin that I was lacking in- responsible for producing serotonin. Explains my depression possibly?)

-boron drops (helps embryonic development and boosts estrogen)

…and I think that’s it! All this effort and the craziness of another cycle hasn’t even started yet. So much for time out from all of the going ons. I do feel better having this project so to speak. I want to do everything I can to aid this next cycle.

One downside is the side effects I’ve noticed with the DHEA. I’m loosing quite a bit of hair. Luckily I have really thick hair but it came as a shock when I lost so much when I washed it last. If I start speaking in a mans voice I’ll really be freaking out!! Haha

Has anyone had experience with DHEA? Has it helped? What were your side effects?

Grateful

After my last post I thought I’d better counteract it with some positivity. I’m trying really hard to stay positive throughout all of this. I know that being truly grateful for what you have helps.

Of course I am truly grateful for my little girl. She is everything to me. I’m grateful for my husband for enduring all of this with me. I’m grateful to my family for the support and my friends for their understanding. I’m grateful for my health and the health of those I care about most around me. I’m grateful that everyday I get to do what I love for my work. I’m grateful that life affords me the opportunity through science to give us a chance at having another child.

I’m grateful for so much. I just need for this to be successful so I can breath a truly joyful breath again.

What’s this stage called??

Have I mentioned how much I hate this infertility bullshit? It’s all I can think about and I’m going through a stage (hopefully just a stage 😁) where I think everything and everyone is bullshit!! If I could escape from all of this and go live under a rock I’d consider it right now.

Everybodys stuff just seems insignificant to me right now and if I hear one more irrelevant statement/ small talk crap/ self obsessed thought verbalised etc I’ll scream and maybe internally implode.

I guess I’m at the anger stage. I’m angry, feeling sorry for myself, trying to remain optimistic, trying not to be too optimistic, preparing for the worst, preparing for the best, trying to keep myself busy but not too busy that I elevate my stress levels, trying to focus on my health but not obsess, trying to trust in my new RE but conduct my own research, get my husband to appointments but not stress him by taking him out of work too much, not take EVERTHING too personally. Every comment and insinuation from friends regarding IVF is starting to annoy me. I get that they are trying to help but seriously how about a filter before you speak?

I’m angry at myself that i can’t stick to a clean eating plan and I continue to put on weight. Motivation where the fuck are you?? If I can’t pull out all the stops on the nutrition side of things now, when it’s of upmost importance what chance do I have? I’ve had the discipline before when the odds were a lot less but can’t seem to pull it together now. My naturopath thinks that maybe it’s not what my body needs right now…he may be right but I don’t want to look back and stew on the fact that I didn’t do everything I could to make this next cycle a success. There’s only a few factors in my control and what I put into my mouth is one of them. It’s the lack of control over this that is SO hard to cope with.

Now that feels a bit better.

Heres to tomorrow being a better day. If your having a shitty day out there just remember to breath. Tomorrow is a chance to start fresh xx

The Diagnosis

So the big 2nd opinion has been had. I had prepared myself for the worst. The worst being told that we should give up, go to donor eggs etc. and being told that we have next to no possible chance of success with IVF. It wasn’t quite as devastating as I’d imagined but it wasn’t all roses either.

She reviewed our past cycles, suggested we have new tests done as our last tests were almost 12 months ago. She reminded us that we had a 30% chance of abnormal eggs and/or miscarriage at my age. She suggested a day 3 transfer for us.

I mentioned I had tried acupuncture and she suggested not to bother with it as evidence is inclusive as to whether it improves birth rates. She said the same about DHEA that I recently started taking. Inconclusive evidence. She said the only thing she could suggest to improve my egg quality would be some sort of steroid which I can’t recall the name of the drawback being it costs $2k additional per cycle. We don’t have the additional funds for that so I think I’ll drop the acupuncture and keep on the DHEA for now. To be honest the acupuncture appointments were becoming a stress. They ended up feeling just like an extra appointment I had to try to fit into my already over loaded schedule so any stress relief they are meant to deliver became redundant anyway.

I asked about whether there was a different protocol she could recommend I try and I asked her about estrogen priming. She said I could try it but she couldn’t guarantee a better result than what I’ve had up to now. That was the takeaway message of the appointment really. She couldn’t guarantee me a better result then what I’ve had with my previous two cycles with my last clinic. I appreciated her honesty.

She ended the appointment saying that it was important that I trust in the protocol and keep positive thoughts going throughout the cycle, as it makes a big difference to success. Well yes that’s great in theory but you’ve just finished telling me how low our chances of success are and I just had to suggest a protocol to YOU which I had researched online. Forgive me for feeling a little unsure (insert sarcasm here) Is it just me or does anyone else feel frustrated with their specialist?

So looks like we are starting on a down regulated cycle at the start of my next cycle. It’s a longer cycle than what I’ve been on previously with supression before the actual stimulation begins. So I’ll be taking some form of needle for around 3 weeks instead of the usual 10 days or so…what joy! One thing I do possess is patience and resilience which I’m thinking I may need over the coming months.

Do for now I’m busy trying to distracted and trying to keep some sort of normality before the crazy roller coaster begins. I’m also trying to reduce my stress level. I’m staring with simplyfing my schedule a little. It’s harder then it sounds at least for me it is. Got to try.

Infertility timeline

• 2011 – conceived naturally
• february 2012 – birthed my daughter
• February 2014 – conceived naturally. Miscarriage at 6 weeks
• november 2014 – laparoscopic surgery to remove endometriosis and left Fallopian tube affected
• March 2015 – appointment with fertility specialist
• Test results: AMH 1.7 fsh 6.5 Antral follicle count 15
• husband has health issues relating to his type 1 diabetes. Cycling delayed
• January 2016 – IVF cycle #1 short protocol. 4 eggs retrieved, 1 fertilised, none to blast or to transfer
• March 2016 – IVF cycle #2 flare protocol. 17 days of stims. 2 eggs to retrieve . Concerted cycle to iui on advice from specialist. BFN
• April 2016 – sought 2nd opinion. Started DHEA. Start on next cycle  IVF #3 down regulate long cycle protocol with new clinic. We are hopeful

The big 2nd opinion

Today is the day. Today we are getting a 2nd opinion on our reproductive capabilities and I’m terrified!

Having already been blessed with my precious 4 year old daughter, conceived naturally, we have been trying to give her a sibling for the past 2 years now. Ive recently turned the big 40 and despite our attempts at having a second baby nothing is happening. The possibility of not being able to have another is plaguing my every thought of late.

Being so reliant on modern medicine, when mother nature so easily took care of things first time round has been a huge slap in the face and a wake up call for me. Also the fact that I’m not as invincible as I led myself to believe had shook me to the very core.

Throughout this process I am powerless. I have no control what so ever on how my body will respond to treatment and there’s not a hell of a lot I can do to change the outcome. It feels as though all the years of exercising, eating well and looking after myself have fallen on deaf ears when it comes to the fertility gods.

This blog will be my dumping ground. A safe place for me to purge all the emotions that are sure to surface whilst we go through this labyrinth that is IVF. I have been following many blogs lately and thought it was time to start my own. I have found myself drawn to everyone’s stories of infertility and beyond. So many inspiring, resilient women out there doing the best they can with what they’ve got.

I can’t promise any readers inspiration here. I know the odds are stacked against us and already the weight of it feels heavy to bear and difficult to keep a positive mindset. I will however endeavour to share this journey as honestly as I can in the hope that anyone else struggling on the same path knows that they are not alone. Never alone xx