Struggling

I’m not sure where to start. Along with our marriage troubles we have been having financial trouble. We still haven’t rented or sold our previous property and I think the Xmas period put us in a bit of strife. My husband went to transfer funds from the redraw home loan to pay our credit card and found the change to the authority i put in place 12 months ago after finding out his infidelity. We have to both authorise redraw now. He straight away thought that I had recently changed the authorisation and wasn’t happy. Instead of talking to me about it he spoke to the bank and the bank messaged me to call them. I didn’t know what it was about and took a day or so to contact them and give authority and then it was too late to be of any use to our mounting credit card debt and the interest it is accruing. 
He has been getting around the past two months as though he hates me. I made excuses for him cause that’s what i do to someone that i love and seek love from. I can’t reason with him. I tried to have the bank revert the authority back to how it was but he has to go in and have a witness see him sign. He says it’s my mess and he shouldn’t have to fix it. Things have been tense.
So fast forward to a few days ago and I asked him a simple question, about what I can’t recall, and he turned to me and said ‘what?’. I replied I’m asking you a simple question why can’t you answer in a respectful manner. I saw such pent up resentment in his eyes and something in me just flipped and I said if you can’t be respectful then you have to leave. It escalated from there me continuing to ask him to leave and him refusing. I asked to see his phone because I still suspect he’s being unfaithful and I’ve told him before that he can’t be in the house if that’s the case. He stated that he would never hand over his phone to me. He was about to go to work and he went to his study and collected a book to take. I asked him what he was taking and he showed me a book about talking to your children about seperation. I lost it and threw the book outside and told him not to come back. I told him I wished he were dead. I said horrible things. I didn’t think he would come home that night or at least not till late.
He walked back in the door that night and I asked him what he was doing here. He said he lives here. I lost it again. It felt like 12 months worth of stress could no longer be contained anymore. I tried everything to get home to leave. He wouldn’t. I was getting more and more upset and angry. Our daughter was there. I deeply regret that any of this went on in front of her. She was crying because I was. I was screaming. I rang his whore and left abusive messages on her voicemail. I rang his mum and told her he wasn’t welcome here anymore. I just needed him out of my sight. He started saying he wouldn’t leave our daughter with me in the state I was in and I argued that my state was all caused by him. If he would just leave I would be alright. He kept refusing and I threatened to smash his car up if he didn’t go. I grabbed something, went out the front and smashed a window and a few side panels on his car. Am I proud? Not at all. Do i regret our daughter witnessing this? Most definitely. I am ashamed. 
I felt calmer after that. A neighbour called the police and the police came to our door to see what was happening. I admitted what I done. Hubby didn’t make a statement but police said legally they had to serve me with an AVO (apprehended domestic violence order). It’s to protect hubby from me. 
I had to go to court today and decide how I wanted to proceed. I ended up consenting without admitting guilt which pretty much means that I now have an avo in place against me for 12 months where I can’t harass, threaten, damage his property etc. the judge said its not a criminal offence and it shouldn’t be hard to follow as its expected behaviour that most people have. I’m worried that with our situation it will be easily breached. All I have to do is call him a dickhead in someone else’s presence and he can contact police and prove I have breached the AVO. A breach equals $5500 and/or 2 years jail. 
I feel like I have to document this all here as there is so much going through my head I fear that I will lose track of where everything is at. I feel even more powerless than I did previously. This all feels like a nightmare from which I can’t wake up from. My little girl. I’m so so sorry for everything. I’m sorry your mumma couldn’t be stronger for you and not let you see what happened. I’m so sorry my love. You are my everything. 

An empty house

I’ve come home to an empty house tonight. I left our annual holiday a day earlier than hubby and daughter as I have to work a day earlier. So many emotions are welling up. I feel so lost. I feel like I’ve been living in some sort of illusion where I thought I half knew who I was or what I knew but right now I don’t know much. That might sound melodramatic but this blog is an outlet for my most pent up emotions. 
I don’t know my husband. We were away with friends on a mini beach holiday and I wonder if they noticed our behaviour. He was aloof and distant and I was quiet. The other dads were present and engaged with their kids, jumping in the waves but he was in his own head. I can almost see his thoughts, almost although he thinks he shouldn’t be here, like it’s all too tiring for him, like being near me is such a chore. I don’t doubt his love for our daughter at all but I don’t think he really knows how to just be. Just to be there without having to really do anything. 

Our daughter was excited to play with her friends but also I noticed she was reactive to the vibe between us. I can see she senses his annoyance towards me and his lack of patience and I can see her questioning in her own little way his behaviour. 
I feel like I am swinging between hating him with a vengeance and wanting to throw myself in his arms for that embrace I want so much from him but he’s not there. I don’t know if love resides in him now at all or whether it’s just not there for me. It’s easier to think the former. I keep thinking that I’ve done something really wrong for him to be like this to me. I feel undesirable, disregarded, like he loathes me and honestly I don’t think these feelings are far from his reality. I said to him recently that I feel his resentment towards me and it feels like his attitude towards me is so ingrained in him that he seems to slip back into it especially the past few months. He doesn’t really seem to have an explanation for that.