Need more days like this

I went to the beach today. My soul was being summoned. All of a sudden I had to drop everything and get myself to the water. I found myself a spot with a view and laid my head down, let the suns Ray’s heal me a little. I tried to think of it as the sun healing my soul, transferring hope into my heart. I listened to the waves crashing on the rocks and I thought about how they are relentless. No matter what they keep on coming up to the shore and crashing. I thought about the water washing over me cleansing me of all my negative thoughts.
I laid myself down on my beach towel, wrapped a towel around me, grabbed my pillow and a coffee and cocooned myself there. I escaped the world for a little today and I really friggin needed it. I stuck my head in a book and distracted myself from everything.
Need more days like this.

Mid 2 week wai

HOW long does 2 weeks take to go by when your waiting on it. Feels like forever. Mid way through now which i think is the worse place to be. Truth be told I’ve hit a pretty low point. Everything feels shit. Feeling like I want to pack up and relocate myself somewhere near the ocean and stick my head in the sand away from my life.
Been thinking about quitting my job lately. All the happenings there are on my mind too much. I work in the fitness industry and lately I feel like an imposter. I’ve put on so much weight, I’m not exercising due to the ivf and I’ve been comfort eating, ALOT! I guess I’m finding it difficult to retain any sort of motivation an even more difficult to try and motivate others which is my job. What to do…ill go think about it over a piece of chocolate 🙄
God just the read the above. I’m so whingy. I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but can’t snap out of it.
So physically I don’t feel any symptoms apart from some cramping and having to wee every second minute, oh and overly reactive to everything. Did I mention that? 😏 could have something to do with the shit load of progesterone I’m on also.
Haven’t tested but I’ve thought about it. Today I’m 7 days post 3 day transfer. I’ve got the kits ready to go…last time I tested early I got a positive but it was the trigger shot…devastating!!
Anyways I’m sure that won’t stop me testing tomorrow. Will keep you updated.

Here they are 

So transfer day is here. We just transferred two embryos. One grade A which has 8 cells and one grade c which has 6 cells. Overall I’m happy that our 2 eggs retrieved both fertilised and both were able to be transferred. Little fighters.
Settle in and make yourselves at home my lovelies.

Here’s to a drama free 2 week wait. Thanks for all your support ladies. It’s much appreciated xx

Retrieval done

Went in today to have egg retrieval done. It’s becoming the norm this process. I don’t feel anything like fear over the surgery. The only fear I have is the feeling of coming closer to permanent disappoint and an unwanted reality. Yes that sounds a little morbid, I’m well aware of that. No amount of self healing reiki, positive thinking or hypnosis recordings will change this possible outcome. This then is my only fear. You could poke me all day with needles and send me to endless surgeries but that is not the hard part. It doesn’t even come a close second to this feeling of foreboding in the pit of my stomach.
Anyways we retrieved 2 eggs. 2. Yep you read right. We saw 5 follicles two days ago and I asked the scientist what happened to the others and she said that not all follicles contain eggs. She said approximately 80% will contain eggs. I know my maths is shit house but what??? If science can’t explain it, well let’s not go there.
Anyways waiting now till morning to see how many fertilise and we are looking to do a fresh transfer. I’ll predict a day 3 transfer. Hoping and praying we get there 🙏🙏

Who would of thought

I’m so over myself. Truly I am. I feel a certain kind of festering inside that I can’t fully explain. I don’t like the feeling. It feels like bitterness. It’s not familiar and I don’t like it.
I want to feel free and open and dare I say hopeful. I want to feel trusting, I want to feel love but instead I feel fearful and defeated.
Infertility your such bullshit! You scare the crap out of me! Your soul destroying. You really are. I’ve had some trying times in my life and consider myself strong for having got through them but this challenge is unparalleled by any of it. Who would of known that this beast that is infertility was around the corner for me. Not me that’s for sure.
Who would of that the thought of you would take over my every waking hour. Who would of that that I would blame myself for everything. Who would of thought that one miscarriage would turn my life upside down and wrench my heart from its resting place. Who would of thought I’d feel like I’ll never get over it and that it will forever be the last thing I think about before I shut my eyes at night and the first thing I’d think of come morning.
But there’s a grand plan for us all right? If I don’t stop thinking there is I’m sure I’ll go nuts.

4th round, day 7 update 

So went in for my first blood and ultrasound this morning. The news is that follicles on my right ovary haven’t really responded and are all less than 10mm. My left ovary is a little better with one around 13mm and a few other smaller ones. All in all a piss poor response really. The sonographer asked if I had any stimulation that’s how poor the result is.
My bloods showed my estrogen was still only 240 two days ago so I’m thinking that ill probably be this cycle for a while yet, or maybe it will get cancelled. So much for this bullshit being over and done with quickly! Sorry for my rather negative attitude, but F**k!! Feeling down trodden and like I’m failing at everything right now. Maybe this is a sign that I should just give this away and try and get some normality back in my life. The thought hurts too much. To think of having to get rid of my all packed up baby things truly is too much to bear. Reality is that both options suck! Both giving up and accepting reality or keeping on this crazy roller coaster which is IVF!
I’m so distracted of late. I forgot to have my meds last night and woke with a start at 11:30 and jumped out of bed to take them. I left some medication on the kitchen bench for a day which was meant to go back in the fridge and I don’t know why. I saw it there all day but it still didn’t register. Feel like I want to crawl under a rock and ignore all this stuff.
What do you guys do when your feeling crappy like this? Day off work? Change of scenery? Drink? Lol haha need them all right now
Love and light to you all xx