The days are long but the years are short…

I feel like a complete metamorphosis is coming, or maybe I feel as though there has to be. Everything feels so disjointed right now. Infertility has changed me in countless ways. I don’t think I can ever be me again, there has to be a new me, or else who am I? What am I to become? Someone who just continues to look behind them. The person who lives in the ‘could of beens’ and the ‘if onlys?’
I feel as though my values have shifted. Importance I seemed to place on certain things in my life now seem hollow to me. I recognise this hollowness in a lot of things and I don’t know if its a bit of depression showing its face or a sign that I need a change of direction in many areas in my life. It’s a strange place to be. I’m struggling to find meaning in a lot of areas.
Next year my daughter starts school. It’s true what you hear that ‘the days are long, but the years are short.’ I keep catching myself thinking about this year perhaps being the only year I have left with my baby with me. Yes I know there is hope that I’ll have another, maybe I’ll be beyond blessed and have another but I can’t help but think about the possibility of it not happening. Sure, that’s a little negative thinking right there but is it not only natural to think these things? I started this blog to express my feelings regardless of whether my thoughts are what they should be or not. No point censoring at this point.
The mere thought of not being able to have another makes me want to grab every moment with my daughter with greedy hands, quit my job and spend every waking moment with her. It makes me want to stay awake at night and sit staring at her, soaking up her perfection.
Trying to find meaning in your struggles I suppose is pointless, especially when your in the midst of it.

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Blah! That’s all! 

I get annoyed with myself often. Then I get annoyed at myself for being annoyed at myself. I can see there’s no logic there, but still I remain caught up in this vicious merry go round that I put myself on.
I feel a strange mix of emotions the past few days. I feel a sense of relief that I don’t have to take any more meds for a while and I’m happy enough with the results of the egg retrieval. I managed to make a big improvement to my egg quality. I feel a shimmer of hope, but I can’t seem to relax into it.
Having to freeze my eggs and the delay that caused has thrown me for 6. We are going on a European holiday in 10 days and the timing would of been that I could of taken a pregnancy test just before I went. Possibly being in early, high risk pregnancy in a foreign country I know would of been less than ideal.
So fate now has it that this process is being dragged out. I’m in no better situation. The reality of it all still sits heavily on my shoulders.
I’ve been so strict with my nutrition the past few months which I believe has helped my egg quality. People keep telling me that the delay is good as I can relax and enjoy my holiday, have a few wines and think about it all when I get back. I understand this in theory but I know I’ll be thinking about how annoyed I’ll be with myself about deviating from my good eating plan. It’s not just about weight gain but about the transfer and the effects it might have on its success or failure. I’ve been trying to keep my endometriosis at bay through eliminating sugar which will ease up a lot of the inflammation not ideal for embryos, especially for transfer.
So I’m annoyed at a lot of things. I’m annoyed that with every wine or sugary treat I’ll be giving myself a hard time when I want to be enjoying my holiday like a normal person. I’m annoyed that I can’t think like a normal person. I’m annoyed that I have to go through any of this! Annoyed, annoyed at all of it!!
Blah!! That’s all!!

Retrieval done 

So yesterday I had my retrieval done. I was a little nervous as with the new clinic they only do sedation along with a local anaesthetic and I’ve only had full anaesthetic previously.
I must of been asleep for most of the surgery but I do remember being awake and aware of quite a painful pushing feeling in my abdomen which I think was towards the end of the surgery. I woke up really well and alert in recovery so I do think I prefer the sedation that this clinic does. It’s less of a trauma on the body although I do feel a little more tender in my abdomen post this retrieval. Nothing major but enough to have today off work too.
Turns out my husband had an important meeting he had to attend so he couldn’t pick me up after so my only option was to ask my mother in law. We hadn’t really discussed us doing IVF with them, for no reason really but to save another set of questions. Of course my husbands family are supportive and my mother in law made me a yummy vege soup for recovery and looked after my daughter whilst I was recovering. So grateful.
So we retrieved 4 eggs and got notification that 3 have fertilised this morning. That’s 3 times our previous fertilisation rate. Should be happy, I am but cautiously so. Hope is a double sided edgy bitch sometimes!
I garnered more information on what the freeze all process involves too. The lab freezes them today, day 1 while they are 2 cell. We then wait a full cycle before I call the clinic with my first day of period and the lab defrosts them and grows them hopefully to day 3 or 5. Fingers crossed I’ll have something to transfer. Lab said that how they are growing determines when they will transfer. If I have one on day 2 then they will transfer then, if two on day 3 they will transfer one and freeze the other, and if all three are strong by day 5 they will transfer one and freeze the two other.
So what now? One word. Wine! That is all.
Cheers to that 🍷