Don’t take me for a fool

I’m so drained. I found on my husbands phone messages between him and the whore. He had changed her name in his phone so that I wouldn’t see it. I’m not happy. He offered up his phone to me so I could look at the messages and at a glance i couldn’t see anything incriminating. It’s hardly the point though. 
I feel like he’s taking me for a fool and I don’t take well to that. I’m so angry both at him and at her. How dare they continue communicating in any way. He says they dont discuss their relationship, mainly work related topics. I’m having the worst/ best fantasies about what I could do to them to get pay back. It’s consuming me. He says they aren’t seeing each other apart from at work but I want her out of there. I want to ruin her and him if he keeps taking me for a fool. 
My husband said he doesn’t want to do this anymore. I’m hardly enjoying it either especially when we’ve taken a big step back when i find that he’s still lying. Would he be getting off on the deceit? Who is this person I married. He doesn’t seem to be making the effort required to help make this work. He’s really stressed about renovating our old house and paying two mortgages at present. I’m reluctant to keep confronting him about our situation. How long does he intend to sleep on the lounge? If he wants out he should just go. I’m almost at the end of my tolerance for his behaviour towards me. He says he loves his family but yet he treats me like the enemy all the while denying that this is the case. I’m at a loss. 

Advertisements

Can’t shake this feeling

My husband really wants me to start working again as he wants me to contribute to the household and he thinks that it will be good to help me take my mind off everything. We are also currently paying two montages so the extra money would be helpful. The fact remains though that he dived into the purchase of this house knowing full well the effects on us financially. He also knew that I haven’t been working and am struggling. 
He’s never been supportive of what I do for a living these past 6 years or so. I’m in the fitness industry which has been predominantly part time work which doesn’t bring in a lot of money but has worked fairly well while my daughter was little. 
During ivf this past year I found I lost a lot of my confidence in my job. I put on weight, lost my motivation and found it hard to motivate clients and my classes. I havent worked since November last year. With everything that has been happening I find myself feeling stretched day to day as it is. The emotional turmoil of the pregnancy loss and my husbands betrayal along with moving house has left me feeling fairly exhausted. I’m asking myself if it would be a good idea for me to throw myself into a job. I don’t think I want to stay in fitness as I want something business hours so I still get to spend lots of time with my daughter. I’m thinking about going back into interior design which is what I did before I had a career change. I feel anxious though thinking about it. My confidence in all areas has taken a dive of late. 
I know I can’t wallow forever and at some point I have to look forward and not back. It’s just so damn hard at the moment. 
I keep asking myself if I’m dragging the chain and burdening him with the financial stress. I dont want to do that but I can’t seem to shake myself free of these heavy feelings.