Cycle 3 update
So I had my day 11 ultrasound and blood tests to check growth of my busy follicles. I had a 30mm unusable one and at 25mm, one at 18mm, one at 16mm and one at 14mm.
I’ve triggered and am booked in for retrieval on Thursday, day 14. They also told me that my progesterone levels were too high for a fresh transfer so they would have to do a freeze all cycle. Was not expecting that! I dont know a whole lot about freezing but I believe they want embryos to grow to day 5 or maybe I’m thinking of pgs testing? I’m of course going to google it 😩
If I have to grow them to day 5 I’m a bit concerned as in my first cycle the embryos only grew to day 4 and I was hoping to transfer at day 3. Whilst I know that chances of pregnancy are higher with a 5 day transfer , I was then banking on one and likely could be this cycle too. Bloody hell! Positive thinking right? So friggin hard when you look at the numbers. Let’s say they retrieve the four eggs, with a 60% fertilisation rate lets predict 2 follicles start developing. So I’ve got at best probably 2 in the running to try to make it to day 5 🙏🙏
I can only hope and remember to breath and remember that anything can happen as it does with this damn process.
The only type of cocktail on a Saturday night I have these days 😂😂🍸is this concoction of magic meds. Work your magic. Grow follicles grow!!
Ok so the plan is to disregard my two extra large 27mm over developed follicles and keep up with the meds in the hope that batch no. 2 grow up to a decent size come Monday’s ultrasound.
How do I feel? I feel angry! Angry at just about everything and everyone around me. Negativity as well is in my very soul and I’m not a happy being. I was whinging about the cost of this seemingly wasted cycle and my friend piped up and said that’s the price he’s looking to pay for a camera he wants 😏 and I said well lucky you that you get to spend your money on fun things. I wanted to slap my inner bitch that very moment and also wanted to slap my friend. F**k all of this. I know I’m not a bundle of positivity right now but it seems like every interaction I have right now just makes me feel like my feelings are not justified, like I should be handling this all better, like I’m the only person in the world who is going through this but at the same time it is by choice so really I should just shut up and deal. Keep getting on with life the best I can. Act like my heart is not getting ripped out daily.
So that’s how day 9 of the cycle is going in a nutshell.
Far out I was so nervous to find the results of this ultrasound. So many expectations and i had tears welling as I drive to the clinic and sat in the waiting room. Ridiculous!
This is what my insides look like at day 8.
2 at 27mm that are probably too big? Ummm what?
3 at a decent size of between 8-12mm
Another few or so smaller at around 6-8mm
This stuff is so confusing!
Clinic will speak to specialist to get directive as to what happens now.
Positive thoughts, positive thoughts!!
So tonight I have to add in another injection on top of the two I’m taking already. I have to mix this one which is a bit daunting. It’s called Luveris and its to help stimulate ovaries. I hope it works. I go for the first ultrasound the day after next. I’m on day 6 of stimulation. I’m really nervous. I kinda don’t want to know how many eggs I’ve got sitting there. It’s the make or break of the cycle really. I’m really hoping and praying for more than my previous best of 3. I’m hopeful but also readying myself for disappoint. Better to be prepared. Is that negative thinking or self preservation?
Just did them. Mixing them up is a job in itself! You have to mix the liquid with the powder and then administer. I’m sure it will get easier as I do it more. My mum was just over when I was mixing all the meds and getting them all ready. She seemed a bit taken back from all the meds. I suppose it’s a sight if your not accustomed to it.
Anyhow felt slightly intimidated by the new drug tonight. The meds so far haven’t fazed me. I’m no longer needle phobiac. I used to pass out at the sight of a needle once upon a time. Guess what? Cured! Haha
Off to bed I go to listen to my fertility hypnotherapy session where I’ll be envisioning lots of follicles growing, a stress free retrieval and manifesting myself a shitload of luck.
I feel obliged to update on all the ins and outs of this journey but what really feels like it needs to purged is all the emotion pent up, which feels as though it is sitting right at my chest.
That is the reasoning behind this blog for me. I need this outlet to purge all the feelings inside, both negative and positive. Im not the type of person to discuss my innermost thoughts with friends or family. Sure I’ll discuss the ins and outs with close friends that know about this journey im on but I’m not apt to talk about how much I’m really struggling. One of my very best friends that I’ve known for 20 years said to me the other day that I don’t seem to let things affect me much. She couldn’t be more wrong. I feel like I’ve let everything affect me. I must be better at hiding my struggles than I thought. Funny how people perceive us isn’t it. Even those closest to us.
I’m noticing my anxiety around my daughter is well alive. I have this horrible fear that something bad will happen to her, I’ve had it for a while now. I’ve had therapy about it. It’s still there. I’m trying all the things the therapist suggested and some days it helps other days it doesn’t.
I know I have to try to talk myself down from the anxiety and think about how realistic it is that the thing I’m worried about will actually happen. My fears seem to be centred around leaving her with anyone. Watching her drive off in a car, a friend taking her for a 5 min walk to the shop, leaving her with my mum when I go to work, that type of thing. It’s pretty paralysing the feeling sometimes. I can’t focus on anything else, just the feeling of dread in my stomach. The intensity comes and goes.
Hypnotherapy seems to be going well. I listen to the recorded session as often as I can. It’s only half an hour but it makes a difference for me. A lot of the time I don’t recall what was said in the session but apparently my subconscious hears it all anyway so it still works. Strange concept isn’t it.
I feel lately as though I’m in my own head a lot. I don’t have much energy for conversing. It’s pretty all encompassing this IVF thing.
Looking forward to this cycle being over and hopefully being a success.
Love and light to you all xx
Think I just made a boo-boo with my meds 😁😁. Been taking lucrin (gnrh antagonist)for 6 days prior to my period which started yesterday and my protocol said to start gonal-f (fsh injection) when my period started. I tried calling the clinic to check with nurses but it was Sunday so we’re closed and could only leave a message. So took both injections anyway as that’s what I’ve done in the past and then I get a message this morning saying to wait 5 more days before taking the fsh injections!
I’m in a bit of a panic now. I suppose it just means that I won’t be suppressing for the length of time that was planned or maybe it will be ok to do as planned and stay on just lucrin for another 5 days and hope the one injection hasn’t woken ovaries up too much.
Oh dear, always something!! Waiting to hear from clinic with further instructions.