Sometimes life subtracts 

This heaviness is so constant. I don’t have a desire to do anything. Nothing holds any appeal. I don’t know where to start to begin rebuilding my life. I don’t know if it’s possible. I feel so alone and I fear that being with people will only make me feel more alone then ever.
My husband brought a new car and was excited. I don’t care. He talks about the new house and I don’t care. People at work talk to me about their concerns over their fitness goals and I want to shake them and tell them that there are bigger problems in life! I can no longer relate to anything. Everything seems so void of meaning and relevance. Everything.
I look across at my daughter and think of her as being the only relevant thing right now but I can’t engage as much as I want to. I just want to lay in bed her and snuggle and not have to do things like go out shopping and see mums wheeling baby prams around. I don’t want to imagine what a great big sister she would of been. I don’t want to go out into my garage to get my Xmas tree as I have to confront the mountain of baby gear in storage amongst it. I don’t want to do any of it. So instead I operate on auto pilot doing the minimum to get by each day. Somehow I feed her and myself and I put us to bed as early as I can so that reality leaves me for a bit.
I look at my body and I feel I should be compelled to take action. To get my pre IVF body back, pour my troubles into that but I feel powerless. My heart longs for my pregnant belly, the nausea. I dread Xmas when I have to meet 2 new babies that have recently joined the extended family. I dread going back to work where one of my friends has just given birth to a little girl. Her and her husband, my bosses and good friends don’t know what to say to me. I understand, what is there to say? Sometimes life subtracts.


14 thoughts on “Sometimes life subtracts 

  1. My heart just broke…. i miss the pre ivf me. The me i was 5 yrs ago… i just cant bring her back. Shes lost like many others inflicted with infertility.

    Please dont be so lost, i m so sorry you are going through so much of grief. Kindly hold urself together – i really wish your pain and sadness goes away and you are blessed super soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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