Just the way we are wired…

Had another individual therapy session today. We spoke about why I’m drinking and what feeling I’m trying to push away. It’s a feeling of sadness and abandonment. It’s the coming to terms with what I thought my future might look like and the distinct possibility of it being without him. I said that I felt foolish for believing in us all this time and he said it’s not foolish it’s just how women are wired. He didn’t even think forward at all with regards to how this would affect his family. I can’t understand it. 
I got a job. Just on weekends at this stage working in furniture retail. Not my dream job but it’s close to home. My therapist cautioned me about my husbands possible motive being that I work so I become less of a financial drain on him should we split and he wouldn’t have to pay as much maintenance. I have certainly thought about this scenario but am thinking me working 14 hours shouldn’t make much of a difference? If anyone out there has any experience on this thoughts would be appreciated as I havent had any legal advice yet. This isn’t the way I want to be thinking but my therapist cautioned that I would wise to keep that possibility in mind as he doesn’t know what my husbands motives are as he can’t read him and he hasn’t opened up really in therapy. I’m glad I’m not the only one trying to second guess my husbands motives. 
He also said that if he can’t become emotionally available to me then he might suggest individual counselling for him. 
I have a feeling a big talk will be had when he gets home regardless. 

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Entwined in him

My husband is away for work for a week and it has given me some time to think. Overall I think I feel a real sense of abandonment. Part of me still can’t believe or maybe doesnt want to believe that my husband has done what he’s done to me. I’ve been trying to figure out what about his whole infidelity has affected me the most. 
It’s the thought that the person I thought loved me could betray me like this. It’s the fact that he could throw away our daughter and I. It’s the realisation deep down in my gut that he doesnt love me anymore. I naively thought that I could never lose the love he had for me. I was so naive. It’s the sense of desolation i feel in my soul. The night that I confronted him or D-Day he said that he has many good memories of us. I feel like all of my memories are tainted. The past 20 years all I’ve known is him. Most of my memories are built with him. I went to make a photo mural wall in our new house but all the photos I went to put up of my life he was apart of it. How can I move on from this when all I am is entwined in him. How can I? 

Another session

Another individual therapy session was had today. I’m writing this at a cafe over looking this beach. So beautiful. I’ve had an OK couple of days. Mother’s Day was a big day for me as it would of been my due date. It’s surreal to think that I could of had a newborn in my arms but it’s not to be. I’m becoming ok with that ever so slowly. I had a lovely Mother’s Day with my daughter. She made me breakfast in bed with the help of my husband and have me all sorts of little presents. She’s so precious. 
I spoke to my husband a few days prior and out what a trigger this day is for me and asked him for support. I said that I’m coming to terms with the fact that he wasn’t supportive when I was pregnant but said that moving forward I need support and empathy. He still thinks I’m torturing myself but we just deal with things different. I do feel like he’s come to the party a little bit on this which is good.
In my session today we spoke about my anger towards my husband over the affair. Therapist said I need to get it out, externalise it. Just not sure at this stage what will work best for me. Hubby is away oversea for business for a week now which will give me a bit of head space,and no the Whore isn’t going along, I checked! 
My plan is to start practicing a bit more self care. I want to start nourishing my body with good food, cut the drinking down and not medicate myself with food. I’m finding this a real struggle but therapist said when I work through all the emotions I won’t feel the need to fill myself in this way. Hope so because I’m running out of clothes that fit. 

Staying true to me

Had an individual therapy session today. We spoke about how my husband and I are talking more at home about each other’s day as was suggested but we aren’t committing to our homework which is 5 mins each of open discussion time of how we are each feeling. 5 mins with no interruption. These discussions tend to end up heated and turn into 2 hour emotional confrontations. It’s exhausting. I feel as though he doesn’t want to stay stuck on what I suppose I’m on, that being his affair. I’ve shyed away from the confrontation and we were trying to work out why I tend to do that. Therapist thinks it has to do with the situation with mum growing up. Most probably is.
The conclusion from today’s session was I need to be true to myself and discuss what’s important to me regardless of whether he agrees or not. So thats what I did tonight.
I spoke to my husband about how the week has been tough for me as my due date would of been Mother’s Day this Sunday. I only realised when I looked in my phones calendar and saw the predicted due date that I had put in. I told him that it’s important to me moving forward for me to feel that he is empathetic. I explained that I know we can’t change the past but moving forward he can try to support me.
 We got stuck on the point he then made that his lack of support wasn’t isolated to the pregnancy, he said he hadn’t been involved or supportive of us before then. I agree we were drifting apart but we were still married and planning on adding to our family. It’s true what he admits which is he was a coward in that he couldn’t confront his feelings or take action one way or another. It was easier to blame me for it all and look elsewhere for fulfilment.
 I truly don’t know if we can reconnect, forgive each other and move forward. There so much hurt between us, so much so that there are things we’ve both said and done that we don’t even remember. The pain from these events are real though. 
He spoke about how having resilience is important and how he doesn’t know how to help me move forward. I said I feel like I’ve had monumental resilience. He thinks that I’m torturing myself over things. He says i need to busy my mind with other things. He also thinks we need to find a different therapist with a more pragmatic approach. See, we really do speak different languages! Part of the issue with the therapist is that he is almost a 2 hour drive away and he has to take half a day off work every fortnight. I understand that it’s hard and agree also that the travel is becoming more taxing but I like his non-pragmatic approach. 

So that’s where we are at. No wonder I drink huh…

So sad

I’m out on a girls night tonight. Friends that we have been friends with for 15 years or so. I keep thinking that my friends husbands wouldn’t never do this to their partners. Beautiful dinner and drinks but so many triggers tonight. I’m ordering grey goose vodka from the bar, a drink I know they always ordered. I feel so sad. I still can’t believe he’s done this to me. Feeling devasted. I don’t think can do this. I know this sounds melodramatic but hell when did this become my life 

Trying to get past it all

Things I keep thinking about and am struggling to come to terms with;
– he said that he wished I had someone like the whore to talk to

– they both acted like I was ridiculous because I was still taking my prenatal vitamins over Xmas. 

– he told her he doesn’t even pretend to care about me anymore

– he messaged her minutes after I was wheeled in to have my termination

– he left me in the hospital for my mum to collect to go see her

– they said that they’d both never had sex like they had together

– he bought her lingerie for Xmas

– they talked about the same sexual acts that we shared

– he complimented her on how talented she was at blow jobs

– he was planning a holiday with her over Xmas 

– he later said he hadn’t thought about how he was going to explain that to our daughter
I want these thoughts to go away but the reality is they are etched in my mind forever. Time will tell whether I can get past all this. 

Far away from myself

Haven’t had the inclination to write lately and I find when I do it’s hard to put to paper the thoughts running around in my head.
We had a counselling session last week and sorted some things out. I don’t believe my husband has an ulterior motive now. I don’t think he’s still seeing the whore. Things are a little clearer in that I see his point of view a bit more now. He’s concerned with my peace of mind and wants me to work so that I’m more involved in life I suppose. I certainly have made my life smaller in recent times. I’ve withdrawn into myself a bit in that I can hardly recognise the person I was. I was driven, happy, busy, giving, fit, healthy and I don’t feel any of these things anymore and I’m not sure how to get them back. 

I just want to wake up and be excited about something. I want to feel light and free. I don’t want to use food anymore to fill the holes in me. I don’t want to drink almost every night till I feel comfortably numb. 

I want my husband back in my bed. My heart bleeds a little more each time he’s not there. He says he doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping in our bed because he feels there’s a divide between us. I can’t understand that and I feel a sense of rejection each night he stays on the lounge. I don’t know how long I can carry on this way. I’ve told myself I’m cutting down on drinking. Weekends only for a while. It’s really not helping me any but part of me doesn’t want to be present for the pain of this.
I want to be present for my life. I want clarity. I want peace and I want to forgive myself and him. I want to feel worthy. I don’t want to feel worthless anymore. I want to love myself, I need to so I can climb out of this hole. I feel so far away from myself.