Relief

Life feels a little upended which I suppose is to be expected. It feels strange not be charting my period and be consumed by all things fertility. I couldn’t even tell you when my period is due that’s how much my focus has changed. I feel like I’ve come out of one fog and into another. 
Part of me feels relief if I’m honest. Ivf was so all consuming and I willingly had my life on hold in many areas. It’s not that I want a second child any less and I know the yearning is still there, I just feel like a weight has been lifted. A few short weeks ago I was all set to go ahead with embryo banking by doing 3-4 rounds of ivf. As much as I wanted a positive outcome I was dreading what I knew the next few months would bring. 
I don’t know that my heart has come to terms with this really being the end of my chances for another child. I know that I wish that my last pregnancy didn’t end the way it did and a big part of me regrets that that will forever be the one that almost was. It’s a horrible way to go out.  
I’m also dreading having to cull and pack all my baby gear before we move. I keep putting it off. I think I’m going to take it all with me and then sift through it when my heart is ready. 
One thing at a time. 

PGS testing or straight fresh transfer?

That is the question I’m asking myself after my appointment with fertility specialist today. I went to discuss our options with regards to trying IVF again *wince* I know I have mixed feelings about getting back on this crazy train again! Specialist was I think veering towards pgs testing for us. I had previously thought we had to develop the embryo to day 5 before they could be tested so had thought that wasn’t an option for us as we usually transfer day 3 or day 4. She said we could aim to get 10 fertilised embryos banked to then send off for testing. It would probably take me 3 cycles to do so. So if I did 3 cycles with a cycle rest between each id be done by July. All in the quest to get one chromosonally normal embryo to transfer. We talked about trying to avoid miscarriage or god forbid another pregnancy having to result in a termination. I don’t think I could handle that. In some ways it might make the process of Ivf easier as you don’t have the 2 week wait with each transfer. I suppose I would just focus on recovering between cycles rather than suffer the emotional stress that comes along with awaiting the results.

She also said that there’s no guarantee that we get any normal embryos to transfer at completion. There also a chance the embryos don’t survive the freeze and thaw process, so even if I did get one good one it could end up being not viable because of the stress of the procedure. 
I think also part of me is impatient with how long it will take to actually even get a result but then I think of all the time that my last pregnancy sucked up I can see the practicality of testing. I could of done another 2 cycles in the time in which I was pregnant and recovering from my loss. Time is not in my side. I really don’t know which way to go or how many cycles I can commit to doing. This debate has really thrown me as I wasn’t expecting to have this option. I need to decide either way before day 1 of my cycle so my treatment can be planned. 
Any advice or input appreciated guys xx

Feeling lost

I feel so lost. The tears that were flowing have turned to a feeling of emptiness, to confusion and bleakness. I feel a little numb. My head keeps trying to make sense of everything but the more I try the more confused I become. I feel foolish. I feel insignificant. I feel alone. I feel a sense of foreboding. My body aches as though my inner turmoil is being manifested outwardly. I plaster a smile on my face and get through the day. I reply in monotone when asked how I am.
I enquire as to others welfare. Sometimes there’s only a shallow attempt from friends to enquire about me. There are no words I know but at least try. I am not diseased I’m in pain. No there’s nothing you can do to make it better but you can be a friend. Just say you’ll be there and actually mean it. I don’t know if it’s me that’s making both my head and heart hurt simultaneously.

Acknowledge, be still, breathe

I didn’t start this blog with a plan to have it read so heavy. I use it as a release to all the emotions I’m feeling so I guess that’s just how it’s turned out. I know myself enough to realise it’s my way of working through things rather than talking out loud about them. Is that healthy? Who knows. The psychologist I’ve started seeing thinks that I haven’t worked through my grief in the past. He says I have a soldier on attitude and I avoid the grief by keeping myself busy. Handling it this way is just a short term solution as the pain will always reappear. He says that in the past I’ve used up all the cortisol in my body (stress hormone) by hitting the gym, running etc and he argues that wouldn’t it be better to not have to burn up that cortisol in the first place? Don’t you want to make life easier he asks? It’s hard to let go of our old habits isn’t it.
He seems to think my coping mechanism is a product of my childhood relationship with my mum which could be true. Anyways he’s chatting to me about my childhood to help me deal better with my grief which at the moment feels huge. He’s telling me that I need to take steps to change my reaction to the uncomfortable feelings that grief brings. I have to first acknowledge that grief is here, even imagine that it takes the form of something like a character or an animal and let it sit next to me. Then instead of avoidance I have to make myself be still in that moment and feel the wave of grief wash over me. Then I have to take deep breaths. Honestly to me this concept sounds torturous. Who in their right mind wants to sit with feelings like this. Apparently though it’s scientifically proven that applying this concept repetitively actually rewires my brain to respond differently and reduce the severity of the grief response.
So that’s where I’m at. I’m willing to try it as I’m at a loss with everything. It feels like a deep depression that I’m not sure how to even begin to lift from me. He had suggested an anti depressant which I’ve agreed to. I know I need the help and truth be told I’m holding out for them. I have to pick up the script today. At first I was concerned that taking medication would harm my fertility but then I thought to myself what fertility? We have no immediate plans with trying again. I can’t even place my hope and focus on that. I am truly lost.

Dreams

I rarely dream or at least if I do they aren’t memorable. Lately I have had many and some are disturbing.
I dreamt I was at the airport going on a trip with my husband and daughter but somehow I lost my bag. It was sheer panic. I couldn’t get on the plane without my bag and I was in desperation looking everywhere for it. My husband was cranky that is misplaced it. I was so upset wondering what to do.
I dont need a dream book to interpret my dreams as I usually know exactly what they are trying to tell me. This one my bag was a metaphor for my baby. The emotion was strong.
Another one I had featured a snake (my most feared animal). I was being chased around the neighbourhood relentlessly by it. I was terrified. It was my biggest fear come to actualisation much like my baby loss. I’ve had a few more with snakes featured in them but the details are hazy.
Last night i dreamt I was staying at my parents house and my brother was trying to kill me with an axe. He was festering in his room. I could hear devil music, smell marijuana and sense his anger towards my mum and I. We locked all the doors but he used the axe to break in through the walls. I think I woke up then. This dream was disturbing and I cant analysed it but I think it’s just the fear I feel, not with my brother but just fear itself. I don’t know.
I’m trying to welcome my dreams as hopefully they will help heal me regardless of them being nightmares. Maybe they are helping me process everything and I wanted to note them down here.

It’s funny but I feel I don’t want to miss a detail of this stage of my life however horrible the details are. I feel I need to chronicle it to at least pay homage to the enormous loss I feel. I feel I owe to it her. I can’t let it all become a blur of emptiness.

Sometimes life subtracts

This heaviness is so constant. I don’t have a desire to do anything. Nothing holds any appeal. I don’t know where to start to begin rebuilding my life. I don’t know if it’s possible. I feel so alone and I fear that being with people will only make me feel more alone then ever.
My husband brought a new car and was excited. I don’t care. He talks about the new house and I don’t care. People at work talk to me about their concerns over their fitness goals and I want to shake them and tell them that there are bigger problems in life! I can no longer relate to anything. Everything seems so void of meaning and relevance. Everything.
I look across at my daughter and think of her as being the only relevant thing right now but I can’t engage as much as I want to. I just want to lay in bed her and snuggle and not have to do things like go out shopping and see mums wheeling baby prams around. I don’t want to imagine what a great big sister she would of been. I don’t want to go out into my garage to get my Xmas tree as I have to confront the mountain of baby gear in storage amongst it. I don’t want to do any of it. So instead I operate on auto pilot doing the minimum to get by each day. Somehow I feed her and myself and I put us to bed as early as I can so that reality leaves me for a bit.
I look at my body and I feel I should be compelled to take action. To get my pre IVF body back, pour my troubles into that but I feel powerless. My heart longs for my pregnant belly, the nausea. I dread Xmas when I have to meet 2 new babies that have recently joined the extended family. I dread going back to work where one of my friends has just given birth to a little girl. Her and her husband, my bosses and good friends don’t know what to say to me. I understand, what is there to say? Sometimes life subtracts.

Many layers

9 days post the worst day of my life and the depth of this grief is unmeasurable. I’m finding so many layers to this sadness. Each day brings something new.
My husband and I went to see a perinatal psychologist a few days ago on the advice of our ob. I think he will be a godsend.
One thing I am fixated on is this compelling need to try again straight away. I know it’s a form of escapism as is my desire to sleep a lot. We touched on the subject of trying again and my husband didn’t respond with anything. I can’t stop thinking of this. To hammer it home he bought a new car on the weekend and is planning on giving his old one to his parents (a lovely gesture) but I can’t help but be fixated on the fact that the money he could get for selling it would allow us to do a few rounds of IVF without the stress of money hanging over our heads. He worries and has me worry about money so much and I’m upset that he wants to do this.
The psychologist said that now is not the time to make any decisions but truly if my husband refuses to do any more attempts at having a second child I don’t know what I will do. It’s a massive deal breaker for me. I feel like I’m living in a different world to anyone right now. I can only hope that the severity of this grief lessens.
The psychologist said I need to sit with the grief not run away from it and that the waves of grief will slowly become less constant and less frequent. He’s also suggesting an anti depressant for me which I agreed I need. I’ve taken them once before after my nan who I was very close to passes away and they helped me over the 6 months I was on then. It would be foolish of me to think that I can do this without any help. Right now I can’t see any good in anything. I know I need to.
Thank you for all your lovely comments ladies. This is such a difficult time and I appreciate each and every one of you xx

All for her

This is my princess girl, my love, my everything. I’ll never forget her face when she found out she would be getting a little brother or sister. Never. I’ll never forget how excited she was and how my heart swelled with joy. I’ll never stop wanting that feeling for both of us again.

My heart is so heavy

You ever feel like everything is riding on one decision? You ever look deep inside yourself and just come out with more questions. You ever wonder what it’s all about? Truly what it’s all about? I search and search myself for answers but all I find is heartbreak.
I write these words but even they don’t seem enough. There not enough to convey the magnitude of these feelings right now. Screaming at the top of my lungs would not be enough. There are no words.
How do I let go. So many dreams had developed for you little one over these past 12 weeks. How will I not think of you in my every waking moment? How will I not see you in my dreams. When will I stop longing to hold you. When in the future will I stop wondering whether I did the right thing? Is there even such a thing.
How does my husband sleep right now? There is nothing like our maternal instinct and nothing like carrying a child. Whilst I know he is anguished he will never mourn her like I will. I feel so alone.
I want you so much baby girl that I already feel your loss in ways I never dreamed possible. I keep thinking about how much it wouldn’t matter to me how you were affected, I would love you but maybe I love you enough to protect you from any of it and send you to be with God where I know your safe. Maybe that is my ultimate act of love but maybe it’s my ultimate act of fear.
I want you so much that maybe I’m blind sided by that maternal longing I’ve had for so long. My wants and needs shouldn’t come before the welfare of my child. I need to put aside my desires and focus on what’s best for my child long term. It’s so hard because I don’t really know how much you would suffer physically and emotionally in this world. No doctor can tell me that.
I’ve been reading every blog i can trying to catch a glimpse of what your future would be. My heart is so heavy.

The world keeps on turning

My obstetrician has been great throughout this process. She pulled strings to get me in quickly for the invasive diagnostic test cvs sampling which is a procedure that involves extracting tissue from the placenta. It will tell me with 100% certainty whether our baby is affected by Down syndrome.
The procedure carries a 2% risk of miscarriage but I no longer pay heed to percentages anymore. When your unlucky enough to be the 1 in 90 affected by Down’s all that goes out the window. You realise there is no rhyme or reason to anything. Of course i don’t want to put my baby at risk, nobody would, but it’s where I found myself.
I was so nervous about the procedure itself. They use a long needle to extract fluid through the belly or vaginally like a Pap smear. Depending on where the placenta lies they decide which method is deemed better access from looking at the ultrasound. My placenta was lying low so they accessed vaginally.
They did a ultrasound prior to measure the nuchal fold which was 2.5 which apparently isn’t an alarming number in itself. They weren’t sure they could make out a nasal bone or that it wasn’t as distinct as the bones of the rest of the face but said that could of been because I’m only 11.5 weeks and often it’s not visible till 12.5 weeks. She said the scan was inconclusive. I both hate and love that these results have given me a sliver of hope.
I’ll get results back from cvs test in 48 hours. These results are preliminary called FISH but are still diagnostic and will tell me with certainty whether she is affected. I understand that more detailed results due in 7-10 days.
Emotionally how do I feel? I think I’ve come to the stage where I feel numb. I don’t even have the words. I’ve spent a lot of time researching downs the past few days. I’ve hardly left my house. I had my daughters kindergarten orientation the morning of our diagnosis. That was hard but I had to pull myself together. It’s my 41st birthday tomorrow. Yesterday my husbands family put on a nice lunch for me which was lovely. I put on a brave face. His family doesn’t know we are pregnant although I think they suspect it.
I haven’t told anyone about what is happening except for my best friend who cried on the phone with me and another good friend of mine. I told work that I was having complications with the baby and left it at that for now. One of my best friends had a baby yesterday. A little girl and she is so cute. I don’t know if I can go see her though. Does that make me a bad person?
I’ve been trying to sleep the day and night away hoping it eases the pain but there’s no escape from this. She reminds me often that she’s there growing inside of me, with her nausea and tiredness she still creates for me. My daughter just wants to be close to me and is climbing on top of me in bed a lot, maybe unknowingly wanting to be near her sister too. My husband is quiet. The sky pours with rain but once again the world keeps on turning unawares.