The world keeps on turning

My obstetrician has been great throughout this process. She pulled strings to get me in quickly for the invasive diagnostic test cvs sampling which is a procedure that involves extracting tissue from the placenta. It will tell me with 100% certainty whether our baby is affected by Down syndrome.
The procedure carries a 2% risk of miscarriage but I no longer pay heed to percentages anymore. When your unlucky enough to be the 1 in 90 affected by Down’s all that goes out the window. You realise there is no rhyme or reason to anything. Of course i don’t want to put my baby at risk, nobody would, but it’s where I found myself.
I was so nervous about the procedure itself. They use a long needle to extract fluid through the belly or vaginally like a Pap smear. Depending on where the placenta lies they decide which method is deemed better access from looking at the ultrasound. My placenta was lying low so they accessed vaginally.
They did a ultrasound prior to measure the nuchal fold which was 2.5 which apparently isn’t an alarming number in itself. They weren’t sure they could make out a nasal bone or that it wasn’t as distinct as the bones of the rest of the face but said that could of been because I’m only 11.5 weeks and often it’s not visible till 12.5 weeks. She said the scan was inconclusive. I both hate and love that these results have given me a sliver of hope.
I’ll get results back from cvs test in 48 hours. These results are preliminary called FISH but are still diagnostic and will tell me with certainty whether she is affected. I understand that more detailed results due in 7-10 days.
Emotionally how do I feel? I think I’ve come to the stage where I feel numb. I don’t even have the words. I’ve spent a lot of time researching downs the past few days. I’ve hardly left my house. I had my daughters kindergarten orientation the morning of our diagnosis. That was hard but I had to pull myself together. It’s my 41st birthday tomorrow. Yesterday my husbands family put on a nice lunch for me which was lovely. I put on a brave face. His family doesn’t know we are pregnant although I think they suspect it.
I haven’t told anyone about what is happening except for my best friend who cried on the phone with me and another good friend of mine. I told work that I was having complications with the baby and left it at that for now. One of my best friends had a baby yesterday. A little girl and she is so cute. I don’t know if I can go see her though. Does that make me a bad person?
I’ve been trying to sleep the day and night away hoping it eases the pain but there’s no escape from this. She reminds me often that she’s there growing inside of me, with her nausea and tiredness she still creates for me. My daughter just wants to be close to me and is climbing on top of me in bed a lot, maybe unknowingly wanting to be near her sister too. My husband is quiet. The sky pours with rain but once again the world keeps on turning unawares.

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6 thoughts on “The world keeps on turning

  1. I am so sorry for all this numbness. I really hope the results are negative. I really hope you have a healthy happy baby.

    And you are not a bad person if you dont have the courage to visit your friend. You have been through a lot. And the guilty feeling itself doesnt make you a bad person at all. But even then you shouldngo visit your friend’s new baby because if you wont – u’ll feel guilty for not showing up for others happiness

    Liked by 1 person

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