Acknowledge, be still, breathe

I didn’t start this blog with a plan to have it read so heavy. I use it as a release to all the emotions I’m feeling so I guess that’s just how it’s turned out. I know myself enough to realise it’s my way of working through things rather than talking out loud about them. Is that healthy? Who knows. The psychologist I’ve started seeing thinks that I haven’t worked through my grief in the past. He says I have a soldier on attitude and I avoid the grief by keeping myself busy. Handling it this way is just a short term solution as the pain will always reappear. He says that in the past I’ve used up all the cortisol in my body (stress hormone) by hitting the gym, running etc and he argues that wouldn’t it be better to not have to burn up that cortisol in the first place? Don’t you want to make life easier he asks? It’s hard to let go of our old habits isn’t it.
He seems to think my coping mechanism is a product of my childhood relationship with my mum which could be true. Anyways he’s chatting to me about my childhood to help me deal better with my grief which at the moment feels huge. He’s telling me that I need to take steps to change my reaction to the uncomfortable feelings that grief brings. I have to first acknowledge that grief is here, even imagine that it takes the form of something like a character or an animal and let it sit next to me. Then instead of avoidance I have to make myself be still in that moment and feel the wave of grief wash over me. Then I have to take deep breaths. Honestly to me this concept sounds torturous. Who in their right mind wants to sit with feelings like this. Apparently though it’s scientifically proven that applying this concept repetitively actually rewires my brain to respond differently and reduce the severity of the grief response.
So that’s where I’m at. I’m willing to try it as I’m at a loss with everything. It feels like a deep depression that I’m not sure how to even begin to lift from me. He had suggested an anti depressant which I’ve agreed to. I know I need the help and truth be told I’m holding out for them. I have to pick up the script today. At first I was concerned that taking medication would harm my fertility but then I thought to myself what fertility? We have no immediate plans with trying again. I can’t even place my hope and focus on that. I am truly lost.

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10 thoughts on “Acknowledge, be still, breathe

  1. Focus on yourself at the moment, i know it’s easier said than done the future is the future, don’t worry about that because you will figure it out when it comes to it. What you have been through and coping with that is the most important. Yes it will hurt, it will be tough but remember you’re working through it so you can be able to start trying to deal with the loss and grief. Thinking of you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Been periodically checking on your blog and I think its great you are using this as a source to get everything out. It does sound like you are doing all the right things to take care of yourself during this painful time. I too have that soldier on attitude but sometimes, no matter how strong we are, (AND YOU ARE STRONG) we need to let that grief in and let it run its course. What your psychologist says is very true. Think of it like when you want to change a body part, what do we do. we work out that muscle. Over and over again we work out those muscles and it can change the shape of our body. Well I believe its the same for our brains. We do these techniques over and over again and its like working out our brain and eventually we will “rewire” our brain as your psychologists said.

    I’m (like many others) are thinking of you. There IS happiness and light in your future. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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