Many layers

9 days post the worst day of my life and the depth of this grief is unmeasurable. I’m finding so many layers to this sadness. Each day brings something new.
My husband and I went to see a perinatal psychologist a few days ago on the advice of our ob. I think he will be a godsend.
One thing I am fixated on is this compelling need to try again straight away. I know it’s a form of escapism as is my desire to sleep a lot. We touched on the subject of trying again and my husband didn’t respond with anything. I can’t stop thinking of this. To hammer it home he bought a new car on the weekend and is planning on giving his old one to his parents (a lovely gesture) but I can’t help but be fixated on the fact that the money he could get for selling it would allow us to do a few rounds of IVF without the stress of money hanging over our heads. He worries and has me worry about money so much and I’m upset that he wants to do this.
The psychologist said that now is not the time to make any decisions but truly if my husband refuses to do any more attempts at having a second child I don’t know what I will do. It’s a massive deal breaker for me. I feel like I’m living in a different world to anyone right now. I can only hope that the severity of this grief lessens.
The psychologist said I need to sit with the grief not run away from it and that the waves of grief will slowly become less constant and less frequent. He’s also suggesting an anti depressant for me which I agreed I need. I’ve taken them once before after my nan who I was very close to passes away and they helped me over the 6 months I was on then. It would be foolish of me to think that I can do this without any help. Right now I can’t see any good in anything. I know I need to.
Thank you for all your lovely comments ladies. This is such a difficult time and I appreciate each and every one of you xx


10 thoughts on “Many layers

  1. You have been on my mind ever since. You cant stop yourself frm feeling what you are experiencing. I go crazy thinking about ur pain.
    I also was hoping you would try again soon and im so happy you have the courage to try again! You are not in a different world then, you are in the same world as me and all the fellow bloggers. Have been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers constantly.
    Just a little suggestion, please give thought to donor eggs. It would hv been much easier for you if you could just do a FET this cycle or the next. Eggs tend to go bad after 35 and hence trying ivf after ivf becomes difficult . I cant even begin to explain how much relief i hv got from switching to donor eggs. It is even much cheaper of you average the price out to the amount of transfers you can get with the donor eggs. Doing ivf on ivf drained us physically, mentally, Financially. We did donor eggs and they have lasted us for 1 whole year. Sorry if i hurt you but it is a very sincere suggestion that helped me get rid of pain and loss.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. No you havent hurt me, I appreciate your thoughts and suggestion. I have thought about donor eggs but it’s unlikely my husband will want to go that route considering he’s not even that sure he wants to try again anyhow. Perhaps stupidly I still feel strongly that there’s a soul waiting for us. Probably stupid I know but it keeps me hoping against the odds. Thank so much for your prayers xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You need to allow yourself to grieve. And it’s okay to. Don’t be too hard on your husband. After the loss of my last pregnancy two plus years ago my husband said he didn’t want to try again. He was scared. But, most of all he couldn’t watch me go through pain so deep again (we’ve had 7 miscarriages). It was a deal breaker for me to. Like you I wanted to keep trying. It is all I’ve ever wanted – still want. We were nearly on the verge of a divorce a year later because we were both hurting and not allowing ourselves to grieve. If we had divorced I don’t know who I’d be without my best friend.

    I know it hurts but I also know our God is big enough. You just have to grieve. Praying for both healing and peace for the both of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry for your losses and thank you for sharing 💚 perhaps he is scared for that reason but usually my husband is much more practical in his approach to these things than me. I am governed by emotions, him by practicality.its so hard to communicate like this and I can see how marriages end. I’m glad to hear you guys worked it out together. Thank you so much for prayers xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My husband is also more practical. I think men usually are (don’t quote me on that). And it is hard to communicate. You want to be able to see their emotions too, so you can understand how they’re feeling. I had to come to the understanding that my husband was trying to be strong for me and I closed myself off because of the pain and didn’t bother to see it. I know it’s difficult I think y’all just need time. That I think is the biggest obstacle – allowing time to heal.

        Liked by 1 person

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