Feeling a little lost today. I’ll try to put into words the feeling but it all feels muddled and crap.
I just want this feeling to go away. I want to feel light again. I want to be able to involve myself in the things of small talk, trivial matters that most people involve themselves in and not have my head elsewhere. I want to smile again and truly feel it. I want to take my life off hold and live it without regret, without the endless feelings of guilt eating away at my soul. I don’t want to look back anymore with regret. I want to be the positive person again that I once was but i don’t know my way back to her.
I’ve felt this bleakness for a while now. Part of my guilt comes from having experienced both post and pre natal depression with my daughter. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a mum or more precisely that I could handle being a mum at all. So many doubts about becoming a mum that I drove myself crazy while I was pregnant. My actual pregnancy was a dream. Zero complications but so much going on in my head that I failed to truly appreciate the miracle happening inside me. I was terrified and the feeling of lack of control continued after I gave birth to her. She’s become my entire world since but the path was rocky to say the least. Sleepless nights due to her feeding issues or rather my breastfeeding issues (insert guilty feeling here) exasperated my feelings of anxiety and failure due to the fact I couldn’t breastfeed. Her first year saw me riddled with anxiety that has only really receded in spurts. I feel like I missed so much of her little years. I don’t know where I was. I was here but I wasn’t. My mind was agitated. I felt so distracted, so not myself, so caught up in my own head and my own troubles that I feel now that I didn’t really appreciate what God had put in front of me. This perfect, sweet little girl that was all mine. She was what I needed to heal whatever it was inside me that couldn’t seem to be content.
It’s the same feeling I have now. So much energy being poured into conceiving our second child that I fear I’m not appreciating all that I have. Am I making the same mistake over and over again? What is it that I really want? I feel like I want to freeze time so I can relish every moment I have with her. I want to reverse the clock so I can recall more precisely the moment she was put into my arms, her first step, her first words. My memories feel faint even though I was there I feel like I was not.
It just hurts all of it.