Feeling a little lost

Feeling a little lost today. I’ll try to put into words the feeling but it all feels muddled and crap.

I just want this feeling to go away. I want to feel light again. I want to be able to involve myself in the things of small talk, trivial matters that most people involve themselves in and not have my head elsewhere. I want to smile again and truly feel it. I want to take my life off hold and live it without regret, without the endless feelings of guilt eating away at my soul. I don’t want to look back anymore with regret. I want to be the positive person again that I once was but i don’t know my way back to her.

I’ve felt this bleakness for a while now. Part of my guilt comes from having experienced both post and pre natal depression with my daughter. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a mum or more precisely that I could handle being a mum at all. So many doubts about becoming a mum that I drove myself crazy while I was pregnant. My actual pregnancy was a dream. Zero complications but so much going on in my head that I failed to truly appreciate the miracle happening inside me.  I was terrified and the feeling of lack of control continued after I gave birth to her. She’s become my entire world since but the path was rocky to say the least. Sleepless nights due to her feeding issues or rather my breastfeeding issues (insert guilty feeling here) exasperated my feelings of anxiety and failure due to the fact I couldn’t breastfeed. Her first year saw me riddled with anxiety that has only really receded in spurts. I feel like I missed so much of her little years. I don’t know where I was. I was here but I wasn’t. My mind was agitated. I felt so distracted, so not myself, so caught up in my own head and my own troubles that I feel now that I didn’t really appreciate what God had put in front of me. This perfect, sweet little girl that was all mine. She was what I needed to heal whatever it was inside me that couldn’t seem to be content.

It’s the same feeling I have now. So much energy being poured into conceiving our second child that I fear I’m not appreciating all that I have. Am I making the same mistake over and over again? What is it that I really want? I feel like I want to freeze time so I can relish every moment I have with her. I want to reverse the clock so I can recall more precisely the moment she was put into my arms, her first step, her first words. My memories feel faint even though I was there I feel like I was not.

It just hurts all of it.

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6 thoughts on “Feeling a little lost

  1. I so get where you are coming from and I feel your pain. Recently after feeling the same as you, I went on a “date” with my 4 year old son. I took an afternoon and said “where do you want to go? Just me a you” He choose a local park near his preschool, then afterwards we went to the local library and finally the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory for a sweet treat. It was so lovely to just spend time together for the two of us. I realized that I have been feeling some guilt due to my obsession with getting pregnant again. To have that time to reconnect and be just the two of us felt really great and reminded me of all the good I have. I hope you can pull yourself out of these feelings but please remember you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. i am so sorry you are having to fight with so many feelings.
    first of all , let go of the regret concerning the past because its gone. dont waste your present or ruin the future because after some time your present will be your past and you will continue to regret for your entire life.

    enjoy little little blessings – even if it is just a small bowl of fresh salad in front of you. remembering those who cant even think of 2 meals a day.
    sometimes all of us infertile members can only make ourselves feel better by not thinking what we cant have and being grateful for what we just have
    hope this helps 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for your comment and thoughts. I don’t want to feel regret anymore! It’s so shitty! Your right the little blessings help xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think I can relate! For a time I was so consumed with grief and shock and anger and about our secondary infertility (and guilt about it all because we already have two kids and I’m young enough that we might still be able to have more) that I wasn’t really “engaging” with the life I had around me. Over time I have been able to find time and places (praying, blogging, journaling) to pour out all these feelings. I’m usually then must more able to take a deep breath and move on and enjoy whatever is good about any given day. I especially love to pray and read the psalms because it really makes me feel like its ok to be really sad and upset and thankful and joyful – for all the gifts and blessings I do have – all at the same time! It’s such a painful and lonely journey – praying that God would ease your burdens as you walk this hard road x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I’m also finding blogging really therapeutic and almost a necessity else it all stays bottled up inside. I definitely communicate better with the written word and don’t open my heart in ‘real life’ so this blog feels positive even though the content is not so.
      Thank you for your prayers. I appreciate the thought so much. Im glad that you are able to feel all those emotions at once through prayer and I hope to be able to feel the same xx big hugs to you

      Liked by 1 person

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