Promises

So many thoughts running around my head. One major thought is that I’m allowing myself to feel sorry for myself. I hate the idea of that its so self indulgent. Maybe it’s that I really need somebody to come fix me, fix my situation, fix my head space and make me feel whole again.
My daughter asked me the other day why she doesn’t have a sister or a brother. She’s getting to an age now where she’s questioning everything around her (I guess the age gap of 36 years is not that much of a variable when it comes to this!). How do I answer that? I told her that some people have have them and some people don’t then I gave examples of friends of mine who are single children and ones that have siblings. She nodded and seemed to accept that explanation.
Then she said ‘can Happy the cat be my sister mummy?’ (cue swallowing a lump in my throat) ‘yes honey she can be. I am so lucky,’ I said. ‘Now I have one green eyed girl and one blue eyed girl’. Cue big 4 year old smiles.
This is so hard!! F**k infertility! I’m so sorry I can’t give her what I really want her to have so much. I don’t want her to ever be lonely. What happens when my husband and I aren’t here anymore? We will be 56 and 57 when she’s 20! I never want her to feel alone in the world. She has no 1st cousins either.
Mummy’s trying honey so hard to give you the best surprise ever. Always know that. When you grow up you can look back at these writings and know how hard mummy tried and hopefully beat this shitty infertility. Love you always xx

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6 thoughts on “Promises

  1. Oh lordy i dont often cry at blogs when i dont know the poster but this has stuck a cord. My son is nealry 14 and we’ve been trying to give him a sibling for years. The worry of him being alone keeps me up at night. Tho, the stress of it doesnt help as well you know. Wishing you lots of luck! x

    Liked by 1 person

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