Snippets that stick

Snippets of conversation I read on their messages to each other…funny how I remember certain bits word for word. Don’t know why I’m thinking of all this tonight or why I’m writing it but better out then inside of me. It’s been a while between posts. Sorry that all I’ve got is a recap for now. I’ll update properly soon when I have the headspace. 
Her words are in italics.

Snippets in no particular order.
What are you going to do about your marriage? 

Well the first step is to put some distance between us. She won’t like it but ultimately will be happier long term.
You look so tired today. I need you well rested for tonight
What’s happening at home. What’s he doing? Leaving you alone I hope.

He’s on his iPad as usual. Probably stalking me lol

Lol I hope not. We could be in trouble!
I really liked this morning in the shower. Your quite talented 
I can be out of here by 11. Hope you brought a summer dress. 

I have no idea what excuse I’m going to use to leave work early lol

You’ll figure it out, your resourceful 
Merry Xmas. I’ve driven up to the top of a hill in the middle of Xmas lunch with my vodka in hand hoping to catch you on line. Your on my mind a lot. You’ve grown quite dear to me. Your such a special person and I hope that you get every happiness you deserve. The sun will shine again for you.

It’s sunny when I’m with you.

Then we best get you some vitamin d then.
I’ve worked out I can make an escape for a night. It’s been too long without you. 

How?

I’ll say I’m coming back to work to do payroll and will stay the night.

Won’t she get suspicious?

No I told you, she’s she has no care factor. You don’t believe me when I tell you how things are between us do you?

Hmm, not really.
She’s in total denial about our marriage. I just discovered prenatal vitamins in her bag.

Jesus what is wrong with people. Don’t they want to be happy?

Nope. They are lazy. It’s too hard for some.

Geez my hubby and her would be a good match.

Yep it’s too hard for some to want to improve themselves. You and me are at the only ones that have improved themselves.
How are things at home? Hope your ok

Not good. By the time I got home she had cried all her tears already.

Oh that’s terrible. So hard to come home to that.

Her best friend is here. I just want to go. Would it be bad if I go?

Hmm probably.

She found out the sex of the baby. Stupid of her to want to know that at this stage.

Oh no. That makes it all so much harder.

Yep. No use knowing that now. Have to remember it’s all for the best.

How can you be so positive in all this?

Because I know it’s the best outcome for all
We’ve had such a bad day. No one is having a good day here. Things have to change. She talked about doing another IVF cycle on the way there in the car. No good.

Oh. What did you say?

That I didn’t want to do another one. That I wanted a separation.

What did she say? 

She cried about me not wanting to try again for a baby. She said nothing when I talked about separating. What do you think that means?

Hmm not sure. Maybe she was shocked?

Yeh I don’t know.
That was the longest courtship in history.

Yep it was for me too. Such a long time imagining what your kiss would be like again. 

It feels like things are moving fast.

It does. Everything feels amazing when I’m with you. The sex isn’t bad either lol

Lol it’s amazing! 

Yep!
She’s so amazing. She melts me.

She is. I hope you went outside and played ball with her.

I did. She said I don’t want to play soccer with my team daddy, you are my team. I can see me crumbling if she tries to stop me from leaving. I’m like putty in her hands.

It’s so hard with kids. That’s the reason I’ve stayed all these years too.
How’s it all going there.

Crap. Spending our time arguing over who is sun baking and who is looking after her. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Been two very long days.
There’s a lot to work out with the finances and everything. Ill be covering everything like I do now when we seperate

Really? Why so

She’s not working. She’s not capable at the moment. Her depression has been bad. 

Why do you think that is?

I don’t know. She doesn’t try to help herself. 

Zoloft not working?

Nope. 
What caused your marriage to go bad do you think?

I stopped trying to make her better. She became selfish.

Another session

Another individual therapy session was had today. I’m writing this at a cafe over looking this beach. So beautiful. I’ve had an OK couple of days. Mother’s Day was a big day for me as it would of been my due date. It’s surreal to think that I could of had a newborn in my arms but it’s not to be. I’m becoming ok with that ever so slowly. I had a lovely Mother’s Day with my daughter. She made me breakfast in bed with the help of my husband and have me all sorts of little presents. She’s so precious. 
I spoke to my husband a few days prior and out what a trigger this day is for me and asked him for support. I said that I’m coming to terms with the fact that he wasn’t supportive when I was pregnant but said that moving forward I need support and empathy. He still thinks I’m torturing myself but we just deal with things different. I do feel like he’s come to the party a little bit on this which is good.
In my session today we spoke about my anger towards my husband over the affair. Therapist said I need to get it out, externalise it. Just not sure at this stage what will work best for me. Hubby is away oversea for business for a week now which will give me a bit of head space,and no the Whore isn’t going along, I checked! 
My plan is to start practicing a bit more self care. I want to start nourishing my body with good food, cut the drinking down and not medicate myself with food. I’m finding this a real struggle but therapist said when I work through all the emotions I won’t feel the need to fill myself in this way. Hope so because I’m running out of clothes that fit. 

Staying true to me

Had an individual therapy session today. We spoke about how my husband and I are talking more at home about each other’s day as was suggested but we aren’t committing to our homework which is 5 mins each of open discussion time of how we are each feeling. 5 mins with no interruption. These discussions tend to end up heated and turn into 2 hour emotional confrontations. It’s exhausting. I feel as though he doesn’t want to stay stuck on what I suppose I’m on, that being his affair. I’ve shyed away from the confrontation and we were trying to work out why I tend to do that. Therapist thinks it has to do with the situation with mum growing up. Most probably is.
The conclusion from today’s session was I need to be true to myself and discuss what’s important to me regardless of whether he agrees or not. So thats what I did tonight.
I spoke to my husband about how the week has been tough for me as my due date would of been Mother’s Day this Sunday. I only realised when I looked in my phones calendar and saw the predicted due date that I had put in. I told him that it’s important to me moving forward for me to feel that he is empathetic. I explained that I know we can’t change the past but moving forward he can try to support me.
 We got stuck on the point he then made that his lack of support wasn’t isolated to the pregnancy, he said he hadn’t been involved or supportive of us before then. I agree we were drifting apart but we were still married and planning on adding to our family. It’s true what he admits which is he was a coward in that he couldn’t confront his feelings or take action one way or another. It was easier to blame me for it all and look elsewhere for fulfilment.
 I truly don’t know if we can reconnect, forgive each other and move forward. There so much hurt between us, so much so that there are things we’ve both said and done that we don’t even remember. The pain from these events are real though. 
He spoke about how having resilience is important and how he doesn’t know how to help me move forward. I said I feel like I’ve had monumental resilience. He thinks that I’m torturing myself over things. He says i need to busy my mind with other things. He also thinks we need to find a different therapist with a more pragmatic approach. See, we really do speak different languages! Part of the issue with the therapist is that he is almost a 2 hour drive away and he has to take half a day off work every fortnight. I understand that it’s hard and agree also that the travel is becoming more taxing but I like his non-pragmatic approach. 

So that’s where we are at. No wonder I drink huh…

Trying to get past it all

Things I keep thinking about and am struggling to come to terms with;
– he said that he wished I had someone like the whore to talk to

– they both acted like I was ridiculous because I was still taking my prenatal vitamins over Xmas. 

– he told her he doesn’t even pretend to care about me anymore

– he messaged her minutes after I was wheeled in to have my termination

– he left me in the hospital for my mum to collect to go see her

– they said that they’d both never had sex like they had together

– he bought her lingerie for Xmas

– they talked about the same sexual acts that we shared

– he complimented her on how talented she was at blow jobs

– he was planning a holiday with her over Xmas 

– he later said he hadn’t thought about how he was going to explain that to our daughter
I want these thoughts to go away but the reality is they are etched in my mind forever. Time will tell whether I can get past all this. 

Far away from myself

Haven’t had the inclination to write lately and I find when I do it’s hard to put to paper the thoughts running around in my head.
We had a counselling session last week and sorted some things out. I don’t believe my husband has an ulterior motive now. I don’t think he’s still seeing the whore. Things are a little clearer in that I see his point of view a bit more now. He’s concerned with my peace of mind and wants me to work so that I’m more involved in life I suppose. I certainly have made my life smaller in recent times. I’ve withdrawn into myself a bit in that I can hardly recognise the person I was. I was driven, happy, busy, giving, fit, healthy and I don’t feel any of these things anymore and I’m not sure how to get them back. 

I just want to wake up and be excited about something. I want to feel light and free. I don’t want to use food anymore to fill the holes in me. I don’t want to drink almost every night till I feel comfortably numb. 

I want my husband back in my bed. My heart bleeds a little more each time he’s not there. He says he doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping in our bed because he feels there’s a divide between us. I can’t understand that and I feel a sense of rejection each night he stays on the lounge. I don’t know how long I can carry on this way. I’ve told myself I’m cutting down on drinking. Weekends only for a while. It’s really not helping me any but part of me doesn’t want to be present for the pain of this.
I want to be present for my life. I want clarity. I want peace and I want to forgive myself and him. I want to feel worthy. I don’t want to feel worthless anymore. I want to love myself, I need to so I can climb out of this hole. I feel so far away from myself. 

Don’t take me for a fool

I’m so drained. I found on my husbands phone messages between him and the whore. He had changed her name in his phone so that I wouldn’t see it. I’m not happy. He offered up his phone to me so I could look at the messages and at a glance i couldn’t see anything incriminating. It’s hardly the point though. 
I feel like he’s taking me for a fool and I don’t take well to that. I’m so angry both at him and at her. How dare they continue communicating in any way. He says they dont discuss their relationship, mainly work related topics. I’m having the worst/ best fantasies about what I could do to them to get pay back. It’s consuming me. He says they aren’t seeing each other apart from at work but I want her out of there. I want to ruin her and him if he keeps taking me for a fool. 
My husband said he doesn’t want to do this anymore. I’m hardly enjoying it either especially when we’ve taken a big step back when i find that he’s still lying. Would he be getting off on the deceit? Who is this person I married. He doesn’t seem to be making the effort required to help make this work. He’s really stressed about renovating our old house and paying two mortgages at present. I’m reluctant to keep confronting him about our situation. How long does he intend to sleep on the lounge? If he wants out he should just go. I’m almost at the end of my tolerance for his behaviour towards me. He says he loves his family but yet he treats me like the enemy all the while denying that this is the case. I’m at a loss. 

Getting nowhere fast

We’ve moved into our new house. It should feel good as its something we’ve wanted to do for so long now. More space, newer more modern home has been much wanted but now I’m here it means nothing. It’s tarnished by the state of my our marriage. My husband asked our therapist if it would be best if he not move in in order to give me some space. He advised against that as its not really working on the relationship. 
I can’t help feeling like he has one foot out of the door already. He’s getting around miserable and our daughter keeps asking him why he’s so sad. I’m so confused about everything. I can’t talk to him he’s like a bear in a cave. We are getting nowhere fast. I just feel so sad too. I cried myself to sleep last night. My husband has been sleeping in with my daughter to try and get her to sleep in her own bed. Yes, she’s 5 and she still sleeps with us. He didn’t try and sneak out and come in bed with me and I just felt so lost and alone. I really needed a hug or some thing, some sign that he still cares about us but im not so sure anymore. These feelings are awful. I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone.

Feeling low

So over the weekend my sister in laws announces that her and her husband are travelling to Greece to do ivf with a donor egg. Whilst I’m happy for them it also made me a bit sad. I realised the contrast between her husband and mine. He is super supportive of her even going so far to organise business class flights from Sydney to Greece to ensure she’s relaxed. He’s excited about it all but is worried about what happens if it doesn’t work. I guess it just bought to light the contrasts between our situation and there’s. I pretty much endured all the ivf process alone without much support from my husband. 
My husband offered up all of our baby gear to them but my heart was screeching to a halt telling me that I can’t go there yet. I’ve only just lost a baby and I’m not ready to part with the baby stuff yet. Does that make me a selfish person? I just can’t. 
They both know that we did ivf but I found that I couldn’t even talk about it. His family don’t know that we were pregnant and lost it. I couldn’t even go there. I feel so alone and cut off from everybody. Not only am I keeping what feels like this dark secret of my termination I’m also having to shelf my feelings over my husbands infidelity. 
Another mum from my daughters school has befriended me and she started telling me a bit about her life. She started talking about how she’s trying to have a baby but is finding it hard. She spoke about terminating a pregnancy a year ago as she was having an affair on her husband with her ex. She fell pregnant to him and decided to terminate as she was confused. She’s worried now that she can’t seem to fall pregnant. As much as confessing to my experience to her would of felt good the words just wouldn’t come out. Why do I continue to feel such shame whilst others can share their experiences and gain support. I just feel so confused and alone. 
I’m feeling low today. I would of been 30 weeks pregnant. How life has changed in such a short amount of time. 

It’s taboo this loss

This was posted anonymously on my behalf today on Instagram on a page I follow ‘ihadamiscarriage’

It’s taboo this loss, and much like my miscarriage, I grieve alone. 
Four agonising rounds of IVF it took. Secondary infertility. Our chances were slim but still I believed in you. 
I handed daddy a positive pregnancy test. Father’s Day. He was quiet. I thought I saw tears swell. I can’t be sure.
The 6 week scan when I held my breathe till I saw your flickering heart. Hope grew.
Your big sisters face when asked whether she wanted a brother or a sister. There was no question. She wanted you, the way she jumped that day from her chair to mine saying with excited eyes ‘mummy I told you there was a baby sister in there.’
The day that I found out you had Down syndrome, my 41st birthday. The heartache of carrying you after making the gut wrenching choice that we couldn’t keep you. How I took my prenatal vitamins to the very day they took you from my body, hoping for a miracle. 
The 30 seconds before the anaesthetic hit when I told you I was sorry over and over. The utter emptiness I felt after. The way the light in my eyes have dimmed somewhat.
I rang the hospital the next day asking for your remains but you were just ‘a product of conception’ or so they said. 
The pregnancy symptoms that continued for a week after you were gone. How your sister keeps asking when your coming.
Learning your daddy and my partner of 22 years was cheating throughout your 13 week gestation. Finding out he left me in hospital on the very day I lost you to go to her. He didn’t have an urgent work meeting. I lost faith in humanity in that moment. 
What do I do with all this? I don’t know. It’s taboo this loss. 

Relief

Life feels a little upended which I suppose is to be expected. It feels strange not be charting my period and be consumed by all things fertility. I couldn’t even tell you when my period is due that’s how much my focus has changed. I feel like I’ve come out of one fog and into another. 
Part of me feels relief if I’m honest. Ivf was so all consuming and I willingly had my life on hold in many areas. It’s not that I want a second child any less and I know the yearning is still there, I just feel like a weight has been lifted. A few short weeks ago I was all set to go ahead with embryo banking by doing 3-4 rounds of ivf. As much as I wanted a positive outcome I was dreading what I knew the next few months would bring. 
I don’t know that my heart has come to terms with this really being the end of my chances for another child. I know that I wish that my last pregnancy didn’t end the way it did and a big part of me regrets that that will forever be the one that almost was. It’s a horrible way to go out.  
I’m also dreading having to cull and pack all my baby gear before we move. I keep putting it off. I think I’m going to take it all with me and then sift through it when my heart is ready. 
One thing at a time.