Feeling low

So over the weekend my sister in laws announces that her and her husband are travelling to Greece to do ivf with a donor egg. Whilst I’m happy for them it also made me a bit sad. I realised the contrast between her husband and mine. He is super supportive of her even going so far to organise business class flights from Sydney to Greece to ensure she’s relaxed. He’s excited about it all but is worried about what happens if it doesn’t work. I guess it just bought to light the contrasts between our situation and there’s. I pretty much endured all the ivf process alone without much support from my husband. 
My husband offered up all of our baby gear to them but my heart was screeching to a halt telling me that I can’t go there yet. I’ve only just lost a baby and I’m not ready to part with the baby stuff yet. Does that make me a selfish person? I just can’t. 
They both know that we did ivf but I found that I couldn’t even talk about it. His family don’t know that we were pregnant and lost it. I couldn’t even go there. I feel so alone and cut off from everybody. Not only am I keeping what feels like this dark secret of my termination I’m also having to shelf my feelings over my husbands infidelity. 
Another mum from my daughters school has befriended me and she started telling me a bit about her life. She started talking about how she’s trying to have a baby but is finding it hard. She spoke about terminating a pregnancy a year ago as she was having an affair on her husband with her ex. She fell pregnant to him and decided to terminate as she was confused. She’s worried now that she can’t seem to fall pregnant. As much as confessing to my experience to her would of felt good the words just wouldn’t come out. Why do I continue to feel such shame whilst others can share their experiences and gain support. I just feel so confused and alone. 
I’m feeling low today. I would of been 30 weeks pregnant. How life has changed in such a short amount of time. 

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11 thoughts on “Feeling low

  1. I’m sorry you are feeling so low. Of course you are entitled to feel jealous and don’t at all feel like you should give away your baby things. You can’t do that until you feel ready. It’s easy to say but you should have no shame in your journey. Try talking to the other mum if you feel you can trust her it might just help to talk to someone who is clearly going through relationship troubles and infertility too. Thinking of you x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so sorry you are feeling so low. Its natural for us to feel upset when others are flying high but as good humans we also try our level best to be happy for them.
    Its somewhat like what I have been through… my sister in law always falling pregnant and proceeding while i would fail and be left out. I really pray for you from my heart that your difficult time passes quickly and you get your relief.
    You are always in my prayers. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am sorry. You know people say sun is always brighter on the other side. It is easy to compare among people and couples. Other people’s family seems always better in one way or another. But that’s not the whole picture. Sometimes you are going to feel down and I hope your sprit lift up soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry you have been feeling low and struggling. I don’t think you should feel badly about not wanting to give up the baby stuff at all. You are still healing from a very real loss along with the difficulties with your husband. Wishing your heart healing and peace.

    Liked by 1 person

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