Had an individual therapy session today. We spoke about how my husband and I are talking more at home about each other’s day as was suggested but we aren’t committing to our homework which is 5 mins each of open discussion time of how we are each feeling. 5 mins with no interruption. These discussions tend to end up heated and turn into 2 hour emotional confrontations. It’s exhausting. I feel as though he doesn’t want to stay stuck on what I suppose I’m on, that being his affair. I’ve shyed away from the confrontation and we were trying to work out why I tend to do that. Therapist thinks it has to do with the situation with mum growing up. Most probably is.
The conclusion from today’s session was I need to be true to myself and discuss what’s important to me regardless of whether he agrees or not. So thats what I did tonight.
I spoke to my husband about how the week has been tough for me as my due date would of been Mother’s Day this Sunday. I only realised when I looked in my phones calendar and saw the predicted due date that I had put in. I told him that it’s important to me moving forward for me to feel that he is empathetic. I explained that I know we can’t change the past but moving forward he can try to support me.
We got stuck on the point he then made that his lack of support wasn’t isolated to the pregnancy, he said he hadn’t been involved or supportive of us before then. I agree we were drifting apart but we were still married and planning on adding to our family. It’s true what he admits which is he was a coward in that he couldn’t confront his feelings or take action one way or another. It was easier to blame me for it all and look elsewhere for fulfilment.
I truly don’t know if we can reconnect, forgive each other and move forward. There so much hurt between us, so much so that there are things we’ve both said and done that we don’t even remember. The pain from these events are real though.
He spoke about how having resilience is important and how he doesn’t know how to help me move forward. I said I feel like I’ve had monumental resilience. He thinks that I’m torturing myself over things. He says i need to busy my mind with other things. He also thinks we need to find a different therapist with a more pragmatic approach. See, we really do speak different languages! Part of the issue with the therapist is that he is almost a 2 hour drive away and he has to take half a day off work every fortnight. I understand that it’s hard and agree also that the travel is becoming more taxing but I like his non-pragmatic approach.
So that’s where we are at. No wonder I drink huh…