Staying true to me

Had an individual therapy session today. We spoke about how my husband and I are talking more at home about each other’s day as was suggested but we aren’t committing to our homework which is 5 mins each of open discussion time of how we are each feeling. 5 mins with no interruption. These discussions tend to end up heated and turn into 2 hour emotional confrontations. It’s exhausting. I feel as though he doesn’t want to stay stuck on what I suppose I’m on, that being his affair. I’ve shyed away from the confrontation and we were trying to work out why I tend to do that. Therapist thinks it has to do with the situation with mum growing up. Most probably is.
The conclusion from today’s session was I need to be true to myself and discuss what’s important to me regardless of whether he agrees or not. So thats what I did tonight.
I spoke to my husband about how the week has been tough for me as my due date would of been Mother’s Day this Sunday. I only realised when I looked in my phones calendar and saw the predicted due date that I had put in. I told him that it’s important to me moving forward for me to feel that he is empathetic. I explained that I know we can’t change the past but moving forward he can try to support me.
 We got stuck on the point he then made that his lack of support wasn’t isolated to the pregnancy, he said he hadn’t been involved or supportive of us before then. I agree we were drifting apart but we were still married and planning on adding to our family. It’s true what he admits which is he was a coward in that he couldn’t confront his feelings or take action one way or another. It was easier to blame me for it all and look elsewhere for fulfilment.
 I truly don’t know if we can reconnect, forgive each other and move forward. There so much hurt between us, so much so that there are things we’ve both said and done that we don’t even remember. The pain from these events are real though. 
He spoke about how having resilience is important and how he doesn’t know how to help me move forward. I said I feel like I’ve had monumental resilience. He thinks that I’m torturing myself over things. He says i need to busy my mind with other things. He also thinks we need to find a different therapist with a more pragmatic approach. See, we really do speak different languages! Part of the issue with the therapist is that he is almost a 2 hour drive away and he has to take half a day off work every fortnight. I understand that it’s hard and agree also that the travel is becoming more taxing but I like his non-pragmatic approach. 

So that’s where we are at. No wonder I drink huh…

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6 thoughts on “Staying true to me

  1. What is a pragmatic approach according to him? One where he doesn’t spare half a workday? Well, he can scour for another therapist then. It should be as important to him, as he thinks it is for you.

    Also, what is with the husbands? He thinks that I’m torturing myself over things. My husband too. If I stop thinking, things will disappear right.

    But I will tell you one thing, if you want anything substantial to generate from your conversation with him, you have to learn to maintain your emotional compass. No matter how angry it makes you, let him lay it out. It is then that you would get to the pit of his thoughts.

    Take care!

    I am infertility survivor too. Spent 10 years of my life in the pursuit of children. And my husband went to get a serving of free pastry while I birthed our last child.

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    1. I’m so sorry for your experience also. I shall have to check out your blog properly.
      Good advice Hun. It’s so eye opening actually going into detail of his differently we process things. I’ve always known we were at opposite ends of everything but we really are chalk and cheese. I really don’t get how they think that keeping busy and burying it all is a solution. I feel like I’ve only just begun to delve into the whys, when’s and where’s of everything. Is it torturing myself like he says? He acknowledges that what we have to overcome is big. I think he feels as though I’ll never forgive him and all this talk is pointless. He says he checked out of the relationship a while back but has no concrete reason why

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      1. Be very sure of how you feel. He may be truly sorry, or he would be faking it. Also, if he can prove that you have a problem with forgiving him, then it is an impossible task for him, and well, as I teach in a law class, what is impossible never creates an obligation.

        Whatever happens, be in touch with your inner self. Look out for yourself.

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  2. The only way I know you, and him, is through your blog. Does he, did he, want another child? My guess is that he was lukewarm to the idea. If he was so indifferent to you why didn’t he leave? Is he still checked out? I still cannot get over the cruel things he wrote to the ow about your relationship.

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    1. He did a few years ago but seems to be holding resentment that I wasn’t ready then for our 2nd. I was the one attached to the idea whilst undergoing fertility treatments whilst he says he was checked out of relationship by then. He said he didn’t leave because he was a coward. It really wasn’t till things heated up with the ow that he started thinking about other options and probably thought that the grass was greener. He still holds a lot of resentment towards me but says he still loves me. It’s really hard for us both to understand each other’s point of view.

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