Don’t take me for a fool

I’m so drained. I found on my husbands phone messages between him and the whore. He had changed her name in his phone so that I wouldn’t see it. I’m not happy. He offered up his phone to me so I could look at the messages and at a glance i couldn’t see anything incriminating. It’s hardly the point though. 
I feel like he’s taking me for a fool and I don’t take well to that. I’m so angry both at him and at her. How dare they continue communicating in any way. He says they dont discuss their relationship, mainly work related topics. I’m having the worst/ best fantasies about what I could do to them to get pay back. It’s consuming me. He says they aren’t seeing each other apart from at work but I want her out of there. I want to ruin her and him if he keeps taking me for a fool. 
My husband said he doesn’t want to do this anymore. I’m hardly enjoying it either especially when we’ve taken a big step back when i find that he’s still lying. Would he be getting off on the deceit? Who is this person I married. He doesn’t seem to be making the effort required to help make this work. He’s really stressed about renovating our old house and paying two mortgages at present. I’m reluctant to keep confronting him about our situation. How long does he intend to sleep on the lounge? If he wants out he should just go. I’m almost at the end of my tolerance for his behaviour towards me. He says he loves his family but yet he treats me like the enemy all the while denying that this is the case. I’m at a loss. 

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22 thoughts on “Don’t take me for a fool

      1. You’d be doing him a favour. I would want to know hard as that may be initially. It’s unacceptable to continue to communicate on his personal mobile and saving her number under a pseudonym is proof that he intends to deceive. If it was pure work then why hide it? What did the texts say? It’s inevitable they’ll talk about their relationship etc. You’re not a fool and don’t let anyone treat you like one.

        Telling him would not only be revenge enough for you but it would enlighten him too and maybe even give you a point of contact in someone who understands the same kind of devastation you have been feeling. She can’t do this to and your husband while playing happy families (or not) when she gets home.

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  1. If he changed her name on his phone that isn’t the sign of someone who wants to be truthful… regardless of what the texts say or what they are about, the fact he hide them it’s just awful and is further deceit…. I can’t believe he’s still in contact with her, after everything he’s done, it makes me feel sick.

    I also do wonder if you should tell the husband too, why should it be your burden. He has destroyed so much, yet is still talking to this woman and she’s carrying on with her husband, how dare they both.

    I am wishing you strength, no one deserves what you are going through. He doesn’t deserve you or your beautiful child xx

    Liked by 4 people

      1. ..but if that’s the case then what does that say about your husband? he doesn’t seem to be demonstrating completely honesty with you nor does it appear has any comprehension of the damage he’s done or continues to do…

        I know she is the key player but your husband is able to make his own decisions, everyone has a choice. He is choosing to keep contact with this woman, he choose to change her name on his phone…

        No one here can tell you what to do, ultimately the decision must come from you but all i know is that you and your daughter deserve more than what he has done to you….

        Sending you all the strength i have in me x

        Liked by 4 people

      2. If one of the reasons why you haven told her husband is because you are concerned that she will then pursue your husband more and the affair may continue… then this speaks volumes about the kind of person your husband is.

        “We accept the love we think we deserve” you deserve so much more xx

        Liked by 2 people

      3. You should never feel like your husband is only still with you because another woman is unavailable. He should want you above anything and anyone else in this world. You are worth so much more. Already he’s got one foot out the door by continuing to communicate with her.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. My husband did something similar in the midst of the affair. They are in “affair fog” and really think they can have their cake and eat it too. I finally gave him an ultimatum. He chose his family and went no contact. I then chose to reach out to her fiancé and told him everything. And got some information myself that my husband chose not to tell me.
    I would definitely reach out to her husband of you can. Hopefully he will believe you. Be prepared for him not to. If you have specific info on the two of them that will help. The OWs fiancé didn’t want to believe me at first but he had confronted her about someone else and then I came along and put the pieces together for him.
    Good luck to you. I’m sorry you are going through this.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. yup.. You have done and dealt with enough. He is STILL deceiving you and your family. This is going to hurt and it isn’t going to be easy. But I feel in my heart of hearts you will never be truly happy with this man again especially with his behaviour in the past and currently. Honestly, if he had truly wanted change he would left his employment to try and start fresh. he certainly wouldn’t have hidden her name on his phone.

    I also think that this woman is getting away with too much. Screw that. I get she doesn’t “owe” you anything but she certainly owes her husband and perhaps he is a lying cheat as well. Who knows. But I would so lay all the cards out on the table, get it all out in the open so you are not the one holding more lies and holding THEIR deceit and then move on.

    My only other word of advice is as much as it will be hard to do.. Do not try to poison your daughter against your husband. As hard as it will be, let that relationship be what it will be but not because you have manipulated what she should think of him. I have a friend whose husband did similar to yours and for the last 8 years has just tried to poison her daughter and I’ve seen the emotional damage it has done. I’m totally not saying you would do this.. I’m just saying that I could see how it would be a slippery slope that I could easily fall into if my husband did that to me.

    You know, you could honestly write a book about all this crap. Its utterly unbelievable and due to the extra layers of infertility struggles you have had just makes it that much more worse to me.

    Please keep everyone in this virtual world who cares about you up to date and know that you are not alone. We are pulling for you!

    Liked by 5 people

  4. No one else can tell you what to do as only you have to live in your shoes… what I can say is that I would leave him at this point. For me, the hurt and betrayal would be too much. I’d never be able to forgive him and I certainly would never trust him again. I’m so sorry that you’re still going through thisxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You are going through much of the same emotions that I went through when my ex-husband cheated on me. After the affair ended, he ‘said’ he wanted his family, ‘said’ he wanted to work it out. But his actions said otherwise. He still remained very distant from our relationship, He acted as if I was the one who needed to ‘fix’ things. After several months of living that way, something in me finally snapped, and I realized that a relationship that I had to work so hard for, was not really a relationship at all. So I finally requested a divorce. At that moment, is when he had a sudden change of heart, and our roles completely reversed. It was suddenly he who wanted to hold on to me, suddenly he who was doing all of the work to try to save the marriage. I spent the next several months feeling guilty because I wanted out of the marriage, because by that time, my feelings had shut off toward him completely, and nothing he did could convince me to stay at that point. I felt that if he really wanted our marriage, he would have been willing to work hard to prove himself to me after his affair, but it was never that way until the day I said I wanted a divorce and meant it. I have a close friend who went through the exact same thing…. tried hard to save a marriage after an affair, and gave up…. only to then have her husband decide he really wanted her.

    Bottom line is that nobody can tell you what to do, you have to feel it is the right decision for you. If you request divorce before you are ready, you will still wonder “what if”! However I do agree with many of the other comments…. he doesn’t seem like he is being honest, or like he is trying to save the marriage. You should not have to feel like you are unwanted. But like me, you have to realize those things on your own and make the decisions necessary when you come to that realization and truly believe and live your life like you deserve better. I think you should focus on removing any self doubt, and then your next move will become clearer.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. It sounds like you are scared to be alone which is normal. Know this, it will be okay and it is okay to be alone. You need to leave or have him leave and work on rebuilding yourself. YOU CAN DO THIS!

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I am sorry. You do have a lot of people who care about you and like everyone has said you have to make the decision, but if it were me I couldn’t do it. I would tell him to leave because he is still being dishonest and talking to her. But do what is right for you. I’m still praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I would say that you NEED to inform her husband. Maybe her husband is clueless, maybe he already knows he married a whore. But let him know.

    Also, your husband not being honest post D-Day is a huge red flag. He changed her name, because he does not want you to know that he is still in touch with the slut.

    P.S. Let him pay the mortgages….men understand financial drain quicker than emotional cues.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s a really tricky situation. If I contacted her husband it sounds as though he would stir things up and my husband (he is in management role and is her superior) could lose his job which is fine if we aren’t together as he would have to find money for my daughter and I regardless. My thinking is if we are thinking of reconciling then now is not the time to do that. If and when reconciliation is not on the cards or my husband changes jobs I will let him know what he’s married to. It’s partly moral conceince and part wanting to see her fall. Throughout the affair she was very worried about him finding out, why do I don’t know. I think her husband is connected somehow to my husbands workplace so it would all be such a mess for them. Believe me if I find anything decietful I’ll be letting them know who holds the cards

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      1. Oh I get it so well.

        I could not tell his ho-worker that I know. What helped was that after D-Day came clean, and I kept a tab on their conversations from that point on (they talked on phone, so recording was easy). However, my husband is a founding partner and the nymph was an employee. You could smell sexual harassment, sweet scandal, complete loss of face, business closing down from a mile away. His skank was also a law graduate, and daughter of an ex-cop. She was far more equipped to drag everything down, and so our route was to not cause the ruckus a mad yelling wife would have created. We devised a plan, it worked and the bitch resigned.

        It took away the chance of me slapping her, and God knows I want to do it to her, to tell her on her face what she did, and I want her to dissolve into the puddle of horny cervical mucus she is full of. (yuck)

        So, keeping silent has its advantages, and has worked for me. But God Knows, I am going to give it to her someday.

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