Getting nowhere fast

We’ve moved into our new house. It should feel good as its something we’ve wanted to do for so long now. More space, newer more modern home has been much wanted but now I’m here it means nothing. It’s tarnished by the state of my our marriage. My husband asked our therapist if it would be best if he not move in in order to give me some space. He advised against that as its not really working on the relationship. 
I can’t help feeling like he has one foot out of the door already. He’s getting around miserable and our daughter keeps asking him why he’s so sad. I’m so confused about everything. I can’t talk to him he’s like a bear in a cave. We are getting nowhere fast. I just feel so sad too. I cried myself to sleep last night. My husband has been sleeping in with my daughter to try and get her to sleep in her own bed. Yes, she’s 5 and she still sleeps with us. He didn’t try and sneak out and come in bed with me and I just felt so lost and alone. I really needed a hug or some thing, some sign that he still cares about us but im not so sure anymore. These feelings are awful. I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone.

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13 thoughts on “Getting nowhere fast

  1. I debated whether to comment or not, because I don’t want to say anything that goes against what the therapist is advising. My comments are based purely on my personal experiences with marital infidelity, so feel free to ignore anything that goes against the direction the therapist is advising. We went through similar phases of communication/lack of communication after my ex-husband’s affair. I too felt like I just wanted him to come to me and give me a hug or some indication that he wasn’t waiting to run out the door and leave our marriage. He did not ever give me those signs I was looking for.
    However in conversations we had after I made the decision to get out of the marriage where I felt so lonely, he told me that the reason he never came to me and tried to show affection or feelings was because he felt so guilty by what he had done, and he was waiting for a queue from me to indicate that I wanted him to behave more as a participant in our marriage.
    He felt that he had no right to reach out to me, because he was the one who had betrayed me. Therefore he waited for me to give the sign that I wanted him to comfort me. So you may want to just tell him that is how you feel, because he may be feeling like he wants to reach out, but the guilt at what he’s done won’t allow it.
    Obviously I don’t know you or your husband, so I may be way off base in my thinking, but if it helps in any way, what have you got to lose, to reach out to him? He may reject you, and then you will know he is closed off from the marriage, but if he reciprocates, then he may be avoiding you simply because he feels he gave up those rights, and it may open up the healing process a little bit. I don’t feel like you have anything to lose in trying that approach….. unless it goes directly against what your therapist is advising.

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    1. Thank you for your comment lovely. I will try this approach, like you said I don’t have anything to lose. I know the guilt is weighing heavily on him. I hate this feeling of having to second guess each other’s intentions. Feels so strange having known each other for so long.

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  2. I also wanted to advise that reach out to him. men are not as expressive as women. At the end of the day he’s still your husband, both yours and his vows are still valid and this is the time they should be fulfilled. Marriage is tried through tough times. Have faith in your difficulty, dont let it break you. Make it grow you into a better person (not that you aren’t a good person, but we all grow out of trials). That other woman is married herself; maybe they just slipped. Dont let it break your life . Humans are full of faults. Just mend your broken self, give him love and bring him back then your new home will be a happy place soon. God created women much stronger then men, we can bear toughest of consequences that men cannot.

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  3. I’ve just caught up with some of your latest posts. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s just so unfair. Does her husband know? You’ve probably written about that but I didn’t come across it. If she knew what you were going through she’s just despicable!

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    1. No her husband doesn’t know and I’m debating whether I tell him. I would want someone to tell me. If could all blow up and both of them
      Could lose their jobs so not sure about going down that road yet. Yes she knew everything about me. Ivf, pregnancy, depression, medication, counselling and that I terminated the pregnancy. She met up with him th very day I had the procedure. I just can’t understand how they could both do this.

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      1. I don’t want to speak out of line but they were both adults, if they lost their jobs – this is not your fault (if you were to tell the husband). They are both grown up people and they are responsible for their own actions…. none of this, what happens what doesn’t is your fault xxx

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      2. Argh! You’d probably be doing him a favour if he knew. And she can’t just destroy your marriage and carry on unscathed, surely! But that’s just me being vindictive. Yes I read about them being together on that day. What a cow! Probably using that as a reason so she could “make him feel better” but not thinking that it would mean you’d be alone. Vile woman!

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