Haven’t had the inclination to write lately and I find when I do it’s hard to put to paper the thoughts running around in my head.
We had a counselling session last week and sorted some things out. I don’t believe my husband has an ulterior motive now. I don’t think he’s still seeing the whore. Things are a little clearer in that I see his point of view a bit more now. He’s concerned with my peace of mind and wants me to work so that I’m more involved in life I suppose. I certainly have made my life smaller in recent times. I’ve withdrawn into myself a bit in that I can hardly recognise the person I was. I was driven, happy, busy, giving, fit, healthy and I don’t feel any of these things anymore and I’m not sure how to get them back.
I just want to wake up and be excited about something. I want to feel light and free. I don’t want to use food anymore to fill the holes in me. I don’t want to drink almost every night till I feel comfortably numb.
I want my husband back in my bed. My heart bleeds a little more each time he’s not there. He says he doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping in our bed because he feels there’s a divide between us. I can’t understand that and I feel a sense of rejection each night he stays on the lounge. I don’t know how long I can carry on this way. I’ve told myself I’m cutting down on drinking. Weekends only for a while. It’s really not helping me any but part of me doesn’t want to be present for the pain of this.
I want to be present for my life. I want clarity. I want peace and I want to forgive myself and him. I want to feel worthy. I don’t want to feel worthless anymore. I want to love myself, I need to so I can climb out of this hole. I feel so far away from myself.