Far away from myself

Haven’t had the inclination to write lately and I find when I do it’s hard to put to paper the thoughts running around in my head.
We had a counselling session last week and sorted some things out. I don’t believe my husband has an ulterior motive now. I don’t think he’s still seeing the whore. Things are a little clearer in that I see his point of view a bit more now. He’s concerned with my peace of mind and wants me to work so that I’m more involved in life I suppose. I certainly have made my life smaller in recent times. I’ve withdrawn into myself a bit in that I can hardly recognise the person I was. I was driven, happy, busy, giving, fit, healthy and I don’t feel any of these things anymore and I’m not sure how to get them back. 

I just want to wake up and be excited about something. I want to feel light and free. I don’t want to use food anymore to fill the holes in me. I don’t want to drink almost every night till I feel comfortably numb. 

I want my husband back in my bed. My heart bleeds a little more each time he’s not there. He says he doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping in our bed because he feels there’s a divide between us. I can’t understand that and I feel a sense of rejection each night he stays on the lounge. I don’t know how long I can carry on this way. I’ve told myself I’m cutting down on drinking. Weekends only for a while. It’s really not helping me any but part of me doesn’t want to be present for the pain of this.
I want to be present for my life. I want clarity. I want peace and I want to forgive myself and him. I want to feel worthy. I don’t want to feel worthless anymore. I want to love myself, I need to so I can climb out of this hole. I feel so far away from myself. 

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13 thoughts on “Far away from myself

  1. Beautiful words and hopes. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, but from ‘out here’ it seems like you are moving through this and slowly getting to a better head space. Recognising where you are now is not where you want to be is important. But it is ok to be there for now. You have been through so much. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up about what you are doing right now to cope. I believe you will find yourself again – you will be different from before but definitely ‘you’. Xx

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  2. I think a job or other activity that gets you out of the home and gives you more of a sense of self-confidence, and independence. I don’t know for sure, but it seems your entire life focuses around your daughter and husband, and you have lost sight of yourself. Right now you need to focus on finding you, and you may have difficulty accomplishing that, if you don’t feel that you have your own identity outside of being “your daughter’s Mom”, or “hour husband’s wife”.

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  3. Just wanted to say I’m thinking of you. Maybe trying to get back into the workforce part time could be a good thing, especially for your sense of worth. Really hoping everything starts to get better soon. Just remember, you are a worthwhile person and deserve to feel loved!

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  4. Reading this, I feel like I could have written it myself. I understand so much. I am going to continue reading your blogs, as this is only the second I have read. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. You liked one of my blogs, so I know you see that I am going through a similar trauma. My world is so very small now, too. I don’t find pleasure in much and I feel empty. I blame myself. I have found reassurance in reading the blogs of others. Knowing I am not the only woman who is going through this, and reading about the process through other women’s eyes. We all heal differently, and at different speeds. You are not alone. And for me, knowing that is making a difference.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello! I’m glad we found each other. I really resonated with your blog too. I’m so sorry that you too find yourself in this situation. I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy but knowing I’m not alone in this and reading other people’s perspective helps. Sending strength to you

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  5. Has he ever revealed to you the reason why he was attracted to his whore? If he understands your pain, and wants you to feel better, then why is he not pulling all the stops to be what you want him to do to make you feel better? Like, he can come back to bed? Do you bite?

    Also: “I don’t think he’s still seeing the whore. ” Please check, double check, triple check and stay aware. Don’t make that conclusion. I don’t want to see you more hurt.

    Yep, I miss the wow factor! I feel like a constant flat. I miss having something thrill me to the core.

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    1. Hello! He hasn’t exactly said what the attraction was except that he like having someone to talk about things to.
      He has a lot of resentment towards me, which he hasn’t really discussed in detail except to say that he has felt burdened financially. In my mind I’ve been caring for our child the last 5 years and have worked part time so see that as a contribution. We don’t agree on that.
      He says he feels a divide between us so he doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping with me. My point is that the divide will not lessen going about it this way.
      I really want to scare her and get her out of there but really they will be together regardless.
      Hate the constant flat 😩

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  6. Well, then replacement childcare would be the answer don’t you think? If you have a competent nanny or a good daycare, then you can focus on getting a job with longer working hours. Not coming to bed wont reduce the resentment.

    Also, if he perceives a divide, and if you can promise yourself to not yell at him every single time he makes you bile rise, you can think of convincing him to come to bed.

    No, I don’t think that you yell. But as a wife and mother, and someone who has zillion responsibilities, and an endless list of tasks to be done within a day, I find that I get frustrated easily. He wants to be pampered. Yes, the fuck I do too. But I found that the whore is a clean break from the nagging wife. She is roses, without the thorns. You share coffee, not the bill. You talk poetry and music and not taxes and insurance. You talk hobbies, but not the cost of getting the toy your child is nagging you to get. Wife gets to do the dishes, the whore gets the pedicure. Jeepeeeies, I am getting too long.

    Nopes, he is still holding back.

    If there is nothing that can be done, just ensure that he keeps his interaction to the minimum with her. Can you convince him to get any software that allows you to track his whereabouts, screenshot his calls and messages?

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