Ok, a while between posts I know. I’m out at my work zmas party, not the best time to post I know but alcohol brings out the best in us right?

shit in my life is the same. I’ve come to terms with the fact that my husband is an asshole but it doesn’t make it easier. I hate the fact that he has finished my self esteem and makes me feel that the best is behind me.

I’ve started a job I love but still I feel a void that  I’m struggling to fill. My friends tell me to have a fling but I have no interest.

 

Where to from here? Who knows!

 

Remembering

I have to take a moment to write down these feelings. I just had a follow up appointment with my obstetrician and I’m in tears again. I’m sitting in a coffee shop and I don’t know what to do with myself, where to put myself or how I should feel.
I told her that I’ve never felt like this before and she told me that was normal and that she’d be more worried if it’s sitting there not shedding tears. She said it’s a very upsetting circumstance. She asked me what my plan was moving forward and I said more IVF and I asked her what she thought my chances were. She said they would be better if I could have pgs testing on my embryos but that really isn’t an option for us as we don’t get enough eggs to grow them to the required day 5 to enable the testing. She said she had faith in my ability but said I also have to begin to be aware that I might not be able to have another child.
She said moving forward with IVF and a subsequent pregnancy will be difficult for me as there will be many triggers and she recommended I keep seeing my psychologist throughout.
I know there’s nothing out of the ordinary here and no new revelations but I suddenly feel like my heart has dropped to the floor again. In her office I remembered all the easy appointments I had there with my daughters pregnancy, I remembered seeing the daughter I lost on that ultrasound screen full of so much life, I remembered sitting in that very chair and hearing the news that would turn my world to black. I don’t want anymore black.

Grief

A few things I’ve learnt about grief.
1. Not everyone you thought would show up for you in your darkest hour will. I’m discovering that the best way to deal with this is to remember that some people can only meet you where they are emotionally able.
2. You may not in a stable enough emotional position right now to question point 1 above. These people are not abandoning you in your hour of need even though it may feel like it. Think more on this later.
3. The beautiful friendships you have in this life will be strengthened. You will never forget nor should you the people that showed up for you. The people that held your hand and cried with you. Never let those people go.

Acknowledge, be still, breathe

I didn’t start this blog with a plan to have it read so heavy. I use it as a release to all the emotions I’m feeling so I guess that’s just how it’s turned out. I know myself enough to realise it’s my way of working through things rather than talking out loud about them. Is that healthy? Who knows. The psychologist I’ve started seeing thinks that I haven’t worked through my grief in the past. He says I have a soldier on attitude and I avoid the grief by keeping myself busy. Handling it this way is just a short term solution as the pain will always reappear. He says that in the past I’ve used up all the cortisol in my body (stress hormone) by hitting the gym, running etc and he argues that wouldn’t it be better to not have to burn up that cortisol in the first place? Don’t you want to make life easier he asks? It’s hard to let go of our old habits isn’t it.
He seems to think my coping mechanism is a product of my childhood relationship with my mum which could be true. Anyways he’s chatting to me about my childhood to help me deal better with my grief which at the moment feels huge. He’s telling me that I need to take steps to change my reaction to the uncomfortable feelings that grief brings. I have to first acknowledge that grief is here, even imagine that it takes the form of something like a character or an animal and let it sit next to me. Then instead of avoidance I have to make myself be still in that moment and feel the wave of grief wash over me. Then I have to take deep breaths. Honestly to me this concept sounds torturous. Who in their right mind wants to sit with feelings like this. Apparently though it’s scientifically proven that applying this concept repetitively actually rewires my brain to respond differently and reduce the severity of the grief response.
So that’s where I’m at. I’m willing to try it as I’m at a loss with everything. It feels like a deep depression that I’m not sure how to even begin to lift from me. He had suggested an anti depressant which I’ve agreed to. I know I need the help and truth be told I’m holding out for them. I have to pick up the script today. At first I was concerned that taking medication would harm my fertility but then I thought to myself what fertility? We have no immediate plans with trying again. I can’t even place my hope and focus on that. I am truly lost.

10 weeks 5 days

Well here I am.

I had our first appointment with the obstetrician yesterday, the same one who delivered our daughter 4.5 years ago. She did an ultrasound and I saw the fluttering heartbeat. I exhaled a little. I told her how anxious I was feeling this time around and she acknowledged it but she’s not the type to utter reassurances. She’s pretty straight forward and more of a ‘get the job done’ type of person which is fine and I think actually calms me down a bit.
She organised all the scans and blood tests I would need and said she would induce me at 38 weeks of I hadn’t given birth by then. This came as a surprise and she explained it’s to minimise the risk of still birth with me being over 40 and 41 at the time I’ll be giving birth. This freaked me out a little. Apparently from 38 weeks gestation the risk increases with each passing week. Here I was thinking we could relax after our 12 week screening.
On the advice of our fertility specialist we had a harmony test done this week. It’s a non invasive blood test that screens for chromosome abnormalities 21, 18 and 13 and also tests for x & Y chromosome. It’s a test done from 10 weeks gestation. It has a higher abnormality detection rate then the standard ultrasound and blood tests carried about between 11 and 13 weeks. It is still just a screening method not a diagnostic one like the more invasive tests. We are hoping and praying for a low risk result coming through from our test. I’d really hate to have to go through with an invasive test considering the chances of miscarriage associated with the procedures. It seems I’m getting ahead of myself though…typical!
Our obstetrician asked our daughter, who I had with me at the appointment whether she wanted a little brother or sister. I had meant to discreetly mention to the doc that we hadn’t discussed the pregnancy with her yet and were holding off till we get results from the screening. A little late for that now as she instantly had a million questions for me.
Is there really a baby in your tummy mummy?
See I told you there was a baby in there.
Mummy I would really like a little baby sister.
Mummy how long till the baby is here?
I couldn’t help but smile at her she was so excited but I was a little annoyed at the doctor.
The pessimist in me is still so frightened of losing this baby. I don’t want to jinx this pregnancy in anyway. I’ve even been reluctant to blog the past few weeks through fear of a jinx. Saying it out loud makes me realise how pessimistic I really sound.
There was tears today when I spoke to a girlfriend about the appointment and about her plan of inducing me and the still born risk. I just want to be able to exhale. When will that be. This is harder than I thought it would be.
I’m so grateful, beyond grateful really that I’ve been blessed with this pregnancy, but I’m equally as frightened. This I didn’t expect so much.
Just have to take it day by day, look for the good in everything and trust that all is as it should be.
Much love and light to you all xx

5 week feels

So I’m currently 5 weeks 3 days pregnant. My anxiety levels are still high. I just want confirmation that everything is ok. I really want to enjoy this pregnancy.
I’ve been feeling a bit of nausea. Nothing too extreme just like my stomach is empty as soon as I finish eating and I get a sick feeling like I need to eat again. Been drinking lots of ginger tea to help settle my stomach and my bet is its made worse by the anxious feeling I have. I have been welcoming the nausea though as I’ve read that it’s a good sign for a viable pregnancy. I actually read somewhere that for women aged 35+ signs of nausea decreases the average miscarriage rate to 1/5 of the average rate. So that’s promising right?
Counting down to our first ultrasound. It’s at 7 weeks so 2 weeks and counting. My husband is away on business so won’t be there with me which isn’t ideal.
I her finding myself projecting my thoughts into the future. Then i freak out and snap myself back to the here and now. Amazing isn’t it the lengths we go to protect our precious hearts.
I’m wondering if I’ll start to feel like I’m just a normal person again. One with hope for the future, with a feeling of peace and with the ability to trust myself and others and truly enjoy life again. I feel so different to the me of a few years back. I feel so battle weary that I fear sometimes that I won’t find my way back to the old me. Maybe there is no way back and maybe that’s the point of it all.

A positive!!!

Oh my goodness!! I just emailed the clinic with my pictures of the testing results and they messaged back saying that I’m definitely pregnant! I’m in shock! Can’t believe it!
They said they’ll send me details of how to book in for my ultrasound. Someone pinch me!!
It Father’s Day today too. I feel like I’ve woken up to a dream today. Going to enjoy this moment and keep my worries about it all aside for now xx

It’s the ray of hope that hurts…

So I did it, I tested early today. Transfer was a week ago yesterday which I think makes it 8 days post 3 days transfer. I shouldn’t of done it as I know the trigger injection could still very well be in my system. It would of been around the same time that I tested last time and got a false positive.

2 faint lines showed up and now I’m annoyed with myself…shouldn’t of done that! It’s the little ray of hope that has now sprung that kills me.

Aarghhhh

Need more days like this

I went to the beach today. My soul was being summoned. All of a sudden I had to drop everything and get myself to the water. I found myself a spot with a view and laid my head down, let the suns Ray’s heal me a little. I tried to think of it as the sun healing my soul, transferring hope into my heart. I listened to the waves crashing on the rocks and I thought about how they are relentless. No matter what they keep on coming up to the shore and crashing. I thought about the water washing over me cleansing me of all my negative thoughts.
I laid myself down on my beach towel, wrapped a towel around me, grabbed my pillow and a coffee and cocooned myself there. I escaped the world for a little today and I really friggin needed it. I stuck my head in a book and distracted myself from everything.
Need more days like this.

Mid 2 week wai

HOW long does 2 weeks take to go by when your waiting on it. Feels like forever. Mid way through now which i think is the worse place to be. Truth be told I’ve hit a pretty low point. Everything feels shit. Feeling like I want to pack up and relocate myself somewhere near the ocean and stick my head in the sand away from my life.
Been thinking about quitting my job lately. All the happenings there are on my mind too much. I work in the fitness industry and lately I feel like an imposter. I’ve put on so much weight, I’m not exercising due to the ivf and I’ve been comfort eating, ALOT! I guess I’m finding it difficult to retain any sort of motivation an even more difficult to try and motivate others which is my job. What to do…ill go think about it over a piece of chocolate 🙄
God just the read the above. I’m so whingy. I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but can’t snap out of it.
So physically I don’t feel any symptoms apart from some cramping and having to wee every second minute, oh and overly reactive to everything. Did I mention that? 😏 could have something to do with the shit load of progesterone I’m on also.
Haven’t tested but I’ve thought about it. Today I’m 7 days post 3 day transfer. I’ve got the kits ready to go…last time I tested early I got a positive but it was the trigger shot…devastating!!
Anyways I’m sure that won’t stop me testing tomorrow. Will keep you updated.