Remembering

I have to take a moment to write down these feelings. I just had a follow up appointment with my obstetrician and I’m in tears again. I’m sitting in a coffee shop and I don’t know what to do with myself, where to put myself or how I should feel.
I told her that I’ve never felt like this before and she told me that was normal and that she’d be more worried if it’s sitting there not shedding tears. She said it’s a very upsetting circumstance. She asked me what my plan was moving forward and I said more IVF and I asked her what she thought my chances were. She said they would be better if I could have pgs testing on my embryos but that really isn’t an option for us as we don’t get enough eggs to grow them to the required day 5 to enable the testing. She said she had faith in my ability but said I also have to begin to be aware that I might not be able to have another child.
She said moving forward with IVF and a subsequent pregnancy will be difficult for me as there will be many triggers and she recommended I keep seeing my psychologist throughout.
I know there’s nothing out of the ordinary here and no new revelations but I suddenly feel like my heart has dropped to the floor again. In her office I remembered all the easy appointments I had there with my daughters pregnancy, I remembered seeing the daughter I lost on that ultrasound screen full of so much life, I remembered sitting in that very chair and hearing the news that would turn my world to black. I don’t want anymore black.

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