I’m not sure where to start. Along with our marriage troubles we have been having financial trouble. We still haven’t rented or sold our previous property and I think the Xmas period put us in a bit of strife. My husband went to transfer funds from the redraw home loan to pay our credit card and found the change to the authority i put in place 12 months ago after finding out his infidelity. We have to both authorise redraw now. He straight away thought that I had recently changed the authorisation and wasn’t happy. Instead of talking to me about it he spoke to the bank and the bank messaged me to call them. I didn’t know what it was about and took a day or so to contact them and give authority and then it was too late to be of any use to our mounting credit card debt and the interest it is accruing.
He has been getting around the past two months as though he hates me. I made excuses for him cause that’s what i do to someone that i love and seek love from. I can’t reason with him. I tried to have the bank revert the authority back to how it was but he has to go in and have a witness see him sign. He says it’s my mess and he shouldn’t have to fix it. Things have been tense.
So fast forward to a few days ago and I asked him a simple question, about what I can’t recall, and he turned to me and said ‘what?’. I replied I’m asking you a simple question why can’t you answer in a respectful manner. I saw such pent up resentment in his eyes and something in me just flipped and I said if you can’t be respectful then you have to leave. It escalated from there me continuing to ask him to leave and him refusing. I asked to see his phone because I still suspect he’s being unfaithful and I’ve told him before that he can’t be in the house if that’s the case. He stated that he would never hand over his phone to me. He was about to go to work and he went to his study and collected a book to take. I asked him what he was taking and he showed me a book about talking to your children about seperation. I lost it and threw the book outside and told him not to come back. I told him I wished he were dead. I said horrible things. I didn’t think he would come home that night or at least not till late.
He walked back in the door that night and I asked him what he was doing here. He said he lives here. I lost it again. It felt like 12 months worth of stress could no longer be contained anymore. I tried everything to get home to leave. He wouldn’t. I was getting more and more upset and angry. Our daughter was there. I deeply regret that any of this went on in front of her. She was crying because I was. I was screaming. I rang his whore and left abusive messages on her voicemail. I rang his mum and told her he wasn’t welcome here anymore. I just needed him out of my sight. He started saying he wouldn’t leave our daughter with me in the state I was in and I argued that my state was all caused by him. If he would just leave I would be alright. He kept refusing and I threatened to smash his car up if he didn’t go. I grabbed something, went out the front and smashed a window and a few side panels on his car. Am I proud? Not at all. Do i regret our daughter witnessing this? Most definitely. I am ashamed.
I felt calmer after that. A neighbour called the police and the police came to our door to see what was happening. I admitted what I done. Hubby didn’t make a statement but police said legally they had to serve me with an AVO (apprehended domestic violence order). It’s to protect hubby from me.
I had to go to court today and decide how I wanted to proceed. I ended up consenting without admitting guilt which pretty much means that I now have an avo in place against me for 12 months where I can’t harass, threaten, damage his property etc. the judge said its not a criminal offence and it shouldn’t be hard to follow as its expected behaviour that most people have. I’m worried that with our situation it will be easily breached. All I have to do is call him a dickhead in someone else’s presence and he can contact police and prove I have breached the AVO. A breach equals $5500 and/or 2 years jail.
I feel like I have to document this all here as there is so much going through my head I fear that I will lose track of where everything is at. I feel even more powerless than I did previously. This all feels like a nightmare from which I can’t wake up from. My little girl. I’m so so sorry for everything. I’m sorry your mumma couldn’t be stronger for you and not let you see what happened. I’m so sorry my love. You are my everything.
anxiety
Zoloft – good or evil
Antidepressants are strange things. I’ve been taking 100mg of Zoloft for just over 12 months now. I thought I should try and describe my experience with it here and see if anyone wants to share theirs also.
Most of you know my story. My struggles over the past 12 months have felt huge. I struggled prior to this period too though. Since having my daughter 6 years ago I’ve experienced a mild depression. I saw a therapist post my first miscarriage when my daughter was two. I was suffering anxiety as well, something I hadn’t experienced before. I knew I needed medication then and recall asking my therapist then if I should start some. She recommended a wait and see approach. Looking back I should of insisted on them. I was suffering more than I should of been.
I also saw a therapist prior to that for grief counselling after my nan who I was close to passed away. I took a mild dose of antidepressants then for 6 months or so and found they helped. I don’t seem to handle loss very well.
Going through fertility treatments really took its toll. I can see now with clarity that I should of sought therapy and medication earlier. My anxiety was through the roof, especially regarding my daughter. I recall thinking that it was the last time I’d see her whenever I left the house. I remember being in tears when my girlfriend took longer then I expected with driving her to the shops and back. The anxiety was getting the better of me. It started to affect work. Id get myself into a state before work and id often phone in sick last minute. I felt like everyone’s judging eyes were on me. I was convinced people could see straight through the facade I put up that everything was ok. For some reason that terrified me. I ruminated over everything. Every contact I had with someone I dissected always seeing myself in a bad light. If someone didn’t reply to a message I built up the worse situation in my head. My paranoia grew. I thought I was a burden to my friends, I felt like a failure, like people were looking at me with a ‘poor girl’ look in their eyes. It was a pretty awful time in my life.
Now my anxiety is under control. I don’t ruminate or dissect anything like I did. Work is OK although I changed jobs to avoid having to face familiar faces too much. I don’t expect the worst of everything anymore. I don’t worry over my daughter so much now. Day to day living is easier, smoother and without the anxious feeling of dread all the time.
I struggle to articulate exactly how I feel now. I feel halfway between low and high. I feel a dull kind of flatline that is neither happy or sad. I don’t wake up in the morning excited to start the day, I wake up and I do what has to be done. Some days I feel overwhelmed, like I can’t focus on any one thing, like my mind is on overdrive with too many tabs open at once. The only thing I can do then is go have a nap and forget about any productivity to the day. I find I can’t get motivated about anything. I have been a motivated person in the past but am no longer. I look down at my body and know I have to do something to lose the 20kgs I’ve out on but I can’t seem to muster the motivation. I eat without thinking. I’m drinking a little too much wine and I tell myself that it’s getting me through. I go through the motions at work but I’m just there to tick that box. I can’t seem to even muster considering what it is I would rather do for work. I question my ability often. Ok more often than not.
This is where I am right now. Hopefully it’s not where I will always be
She didn’t love me…
I had a rather confronting individual session with our marriage counsellor today. The plan is to build me up and give me some emotional independence from my mum mainly. We discovered she is a major issue in our marriage so the plan is for me to work on distancing myself emotionally from her. Then we can work on our marriage. I won’t lie I’m very anxious about leaving my marriage hanging by a thread while I work in this. We are in a bad place but I know I need to do this.
We looked at our relationship while i was young and I’ve described it as her being needy of me. I said I felt sorry for her. Sorry that she was so infullfilled. I tried to pull away from her but she always got more needy and ended up suffocating me and still does. We have a reversed relationship in that I feel like the patent. Counsellor said to imagine that she is a needy child starving for love and I will start to understand her and her actions more.
I explained that she has mostly been caring and kind towards me and others but have discovered that it’s just her selfishness packaged as caring and kindness. Her acts of kindness were always a way of manipulation. Nothing was done or given out of love it was all to guarantee her wellbeing and in an effort to be loved.
She also always put a barrier between my dad and I which I always thought was for her to have the upper hand. My brother and I were almost like possessions to her. Her playing cards to hurt our dad but turns out she saw me as competition for my dads affection. She so desperately needed that affection and wasn’t going to let him give it to me. I hadn’t thought of it like that before and I’m still getting my head around that.
My homework is to prove my counsellor wrong and find things actions from the past that might prove that she does love me. When I see him next week im to talk about that and also discreetly ask my mum more about her childhood.
I don’t know why but I didnt cry during this session. Denial on my part? Maybe. I kept coming up with excuses for her when asked whether I thought she loved me. What you live with becomes the norm so I suppose this revelation is new to me.
So what now? Try to process all of this. Blog it all out to help analyse it and go from there. Day by day is all all I can focus on for now.
Remembering
I have to take a moment to write down these feelings. I just had a follow up appointment with my obstetrician and I’m in tears again. I’m sitting in a coffee shop and I don’t know what to do with myself, where to put myself or how I should feel.
I told her that I’ve never felt like this before and she told me that was normal and that she’d be more worried if it’s sitting there not shedding tears. She said it’s a very upsetting circumstance. She asked me what my plan was moving forward and I said more IVF and I asked her what she thought my chances were. She said they would be better if I could have pgs testing on my embryos but that really isn’t an option for us as we don’t get enough eggs to grow them to the required day 5 to enable the testing. She said she had faith in my ability but said I also have to begin to be aware that I might not be able to have another child.
She said moving forward with IVF and a subsequent pregnancy will be difficult for me as there will be many triggers and she recommended I keep seeing my psychologist throughout.
I know there’s nothing out of the ordinary here and no new revelations but I suddenly feel like my heart has dropped to the floor again. In her office I remembered all the easy appointments I had there with my daughters pregnancy, I remembered seeing the daughter I lost on that ultrasound screen full of so much life, I remembered sitting in that very chair and hearing the news that would turn my world to black. I don’t want anymore black.
Dreams
I rarely dream or at least if I do they aren’t memorable. Lately I have had many and some are disturbing.
I dreamt I was at the airport going on a trip with my husband and daughter but somehow I lost my bag. It was sheer panic. I couldn’t get on the plane without my bag and I was in desperation looking everywhere for it. My husband was cranky that is misplaced it. I was so upset wondering what to do.
I dont need a dream book to interpret my dreams as I usually know exactly what they are trying to tell me. This one my bag was a metaphor for my baby. The emotion was strong.
Another one I had featured a snake (my most feared animal). I was being chased around the neighbourhood relentlessly by it. I was terrified. It was my biggest fear come to actualisation much like my baby loss. I’ve had a few more with snakes featured in them but the details are hazy.
Last night i dreamt I was staying at my parents house and my brother was trying to kill me with an axe. He was festering in his room. I could hear devil music, smell marijuana and sense his anger towards my mum and I. We locked all the doors but he used the axe to break in through the walls. I think I woke up then. This dream was disturbing and I cant analysed it but I think it’s just the fear I feel, not with my brother but just fear itself. I don’t know.
I’m trying to welcome my dreams as hopefully they will help heal me regardless of them being nightmares. Maybe they are helping me process everything and I wanted to note them down here.
It’s funny but I feel I don’t want to miss a detail of this stage of my life however horrible the details are. I feel I need to chronicle it to at least pay homage to the enormous loss I feel. I feel I owe to it her. I can’t let it all become a blur of emptiness.
Devastated
Just got my results from our harmony test and am devastated. Results came back positive and/ or high risk for Down syndrome. I knew we would be high risk considering my age but can’t believe this is truly happening. It’s not diagnostic but considered pretty accurate. We see our obstetrician as soon as possible to discuss it further but in the mean time I’m a complete mess. Devastated doesn’t even come close. I think the next step will be diagnostic testing.
Probably clutching at straws but has anyone heard of false positives with this test?
10 weeks 5 days
Well here I am.
I had our first appointment with the obstetrician yesterday, the same one who delivered our daughter 4.5 years ago. She did an ultrasound and I saw the fluttering heartbeat. I exhaled a little. I told her how anxious I was feeling this time around and she acknowledged it but she’s not the type to utter reassurances. She’s pretty straight forward and more of a ‘get the job done’ type of person which is fine and I think actually calms me down a bit.
She organised all the scans and blood tests I would need and said she would induce me at 38 weeks of I hadn’t given birth by then. This came as a surprise and she explained it’s to minimise the risk of still birth with me being over 40 and 41 at the time I’ll be giving birth. This freaked me out a little. Apparently from 38 weeks gestation the risk increases with each passing week. Here I was thinking we could relax after our 12 week screening.
On the advice of our fertility specialist we had a harmony test done this week. It’s a non invasive blood test that screens for chromosome abnormalities 21, 18 and 13 and also tests for x & Y chromosome. It’s a test done from 10 weeks gestation. It has a higher abnormality detection rate then the standard ultrasound and blood tests carried about between 11 and 13 weeks. It is still just a screening method not a diagnostic one like the more invasive tests. We are hoping and praying for a low risk result coming through from our test. I’d really hate to have to go through with an invasive test considering the chances of miscarriage associated with the procedures. It seems I’m getting ahead of myself though…typical!
Our obstetrician asked our daughter, who I had with me at the appointment whether she wanted a little brother or sister. I had meant to discreetly mention to the doc that we hadn’t discussed the pregnancy with her yet and were holding off till we get results from the screening. A little late for that now as she instantly had a million questions for me.
Is there really a baby in your tummy mummy?
See I told you there was a baby in there.
Mummy I would really like a little baby sister.
Mummy how long till the baby is here?
I couldn’t help but smile at her she was so excited but I was a little annoyed at the doctor.
The pessimist in me is still so frightened of losing this baby. I don’t want to jinx this pregnancy in anyway. I’ve even been reluctant to blog the past few weeks through fear of a jinx. Saying it out loud makes me realise how pessimistic I really sound.
There was tears today when I spoke to a girlfriend about the appointment and about her plan of inducing me and the still born risk. I just want to be able to exhale. When will that be. This is harder than I thought it would be.
I’m so grateful, beyond grateful really that I’ve been blessed with this pregnancy, but I’m equally as frightened. This I didn’t expect so much.
Just have to take it day by day, look for the good in everything and trust that all is as it should be.
Much love and light to you all xx
5 week feels
So I’m currently 5 weeks 3 days pregnant. My anxiety levels are still high. I just want confirmation that everything is ok. I really want to enjoy this pregnancy.
I’ve been feeling a bit of nausea. Nothing too extreme just like my stomach is empty as soon as I finish eating and I get a sick feeling like I need to eat again. Been drinking lots of ginger tea to help settle my stomach and my bet is its made worse by the anxious feeling I have. I have been welcoming the nausea though as I’ve read that it’s a good sign for a viable pregnancy. I actually read somewhere that for women aged 35+ signs of nausea decreases the average miscarriage rate to 1/5 of the average rate. So that’s promising right?
Counting down to our first ultrasound. It’s at 7 weeks so 2 weeks and counting. My husband is away on business so won’t be there with me which isn’t ideal.
I her finding myself projecting my thoughts into the future. Then i freak out and snap myself back to the here and now. Amazing isn’t it the lengths we go to protect our precious hearts.
I’m wondering if I’ll start to feel like I’m just a normal person again. One with hope for the future, with a feeling of peace and with the ability to trust myself and others and truly enjoy life again. I feel so different to the me of a few years back. I feel so battle weary that I fear sometimes that I won’t find my way back to the old me. Maybe there is no way back and maybe that’s the point of it all.
4th round, day 7 update
So went in for my first blood and ultrasound this morning. The news is that follicles on my right ovary haven’t really responded and are all less than 10mm. My left ovary is a little better with one around 13mm and a few other smaller ones. All in all a piss poor response really. The sonographer asked if I had any stimulation that’s how poor the result is.
My bloods showed my estrogen was still only 240 two days ago so I’m thinking that ill probably be this cycle for a while yet, or maybe it will get cancelled. So much for this bullshit being over and done with quickly! Sorry for my rather negative attitude, but F**k!! Feeling down trodden and like I’m failing at everything right now. Maybe this is a sign that I should just give this away and try and get some normality back in my life. The thought hurts too much. To think of having to get rid of my all packed up baby things truly is too much to bear. Reality is that both options suck! Both giving up and accepting reality or keeping on this crazy roller coaster which is IVF!
I’m so distracted of late. I forgot to have my meds last night and woke with a start at 11:30 and jumped out of bed to take them. I left some medication on the kitchen bench for a day which was meant to go back in the fridge and I don’t know why. I saw it there all day but it still didn’t register. Feel like I want to crawl under a rock and ignore all this stuff.
What do you guys do when your feeling crappy like this? Day off work? Change of scenery? Drink? Lol haha need them all right now
Love and light to you all xx
Her
The ache is constant. It’s a weary kind of ache, almost in my bones
And the next it’s a panicky kind of agitation
It’s wells up inside and threatens to spill over
Tarnishing everything in its wake
She is my saviour
I pull her to me, as I pull her out of the bath and wrap a towel around her
I hold her with a frightened intensity
This moment that I will never see again or have with another
I soak it all in and I can’t let go
Her smell, her tiny body against mine, the ferocity of the moment unknown to her
She just likes hugs
She will hug me to the stars, to the moon and back to the stars again, she says
Life is beautiful, then it is cruel then it is beautiful again
Infertility nonsense 