She didn’t love me…

I had a rather confronting individual session with our marriage counsellor today. The plan is to build me up and give me some emotional independence from my mum mainly. We discovered she is a major issue in our marriage so the plan is for me to work on distancing myself emotionally from her. Then we can work on our marriage. I won’t lie I’m very anxious about leaving my marriage hanging by a thread while I work in this. We are in a bad place but I know I need to do this. 

We looked at our relationship while i was young and I’ve described it as her being needy of me. I said I felt sorry for her. Sorry that she was so infullfilled. I tried to pull away from her but she always got more needy and ended up suffocating me and still does. We have a reversed relationship in that I feel like the patent. Counsellor said to imagine that she is a needy child starving for love and I will start to understand her and her actions more. 
I explained that she has mostly been caring and kind towards me and others but have discovered that it’s just her selfishness packaged as caring and kindness. Her acts of kindness were always a way of manipulation. Nothing was done or given out of love it was all to guarantee her wellbeing and in an effort to be loved. 
She also always put a barrier between my dad and I which I always thought was for her to have the upper hand. My brother and I were almost like possessions to her. Her playing cards to hurt our dad but turns out she saw me as competition for my dads affection. She so desperately needed that affection and wasn’t going to let him give it to me. I hadn’t thought of it like that before and I’m still getting my head around that. 
My homework is to prove my counsellor wrong and find things actions from the past that might prove that she does love me. When I see him next week im to talk about that and also discreetly ask my mum more about her childhood. 
I don’t know why but I didnt cry during this session. Denial on my part? Maybe. I kept coming up with excuses for her when asked whether I thought she loved me. What you live with becomes the norm so I suppose this revelation is new to me. 
So what now? Try to process all of this. Blog it all out to help analyse it and go from there. Day by day is all all I can focus on for now. 

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6 thoughts on “She didn’t love me…

  1. I’m a clinical psychologist myself and to be honest I would never ever try and convince a patient that their parent did not love them. People are complex beings capable of many different emotions all at once… yes, your mom may be needy and manipulative and the relationship may need a lot of work in order for you to maintain healthy boundaries but I can almost guarantee you that whatever your mom did, she also loved you in her own way and with her own limitations. By the way… I hope your husband is also working on his own issues individually whilst you do all of this work?

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    1. Yes I think you are right in that she loved me in the way she knew how. I realise that she could only love me in the way she was shown or not shown love by her parents.
      No he’s not working on his issues. He presented well in our session psychologist said so he made me the priority for now. I’m assuming he will hone in on him in out couple sessions.

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      1. He presented well? He had an affair and betrayed you in the most devastating way?! He really needs to work on himself to understand his own issues and what caused him to do this… and blaming it all on your relationship with your mom doesn’t cut it. I’m very sorry but you can tell I am angry on your behalf. I would.most definitely want him in individual therapy as well.

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  2. He definitely needs to work through his issues. He doesn’t really have anyone to talk to about it apart from his mistress which he says they’ve broken it off.
    I think he presented well in comparison to me who was a blubbering mess. Psychologist said there wasnt any apparent issues with his childhood like there is mine. Maybe not big glaring ones but they are there. I for one need to know where his devastating behaviour has sprung from. I really feel we need the marriage counselling ASAP but psych days I’ll need another 4 sessions individually before we move onto that.

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  3. I’m so confused, I have a very odd relationship with my parents my father I only speak to several times a year and my mother visits about once a month for a few days. My mother is incredibly abrasive and says things she shouldn’t and gets to my husband like no tomorrow, she also uses me for money and making most decisions for her. My husband is a very sensitive man and can barley tolerate my mother and really dislikes the way she expects us to get her things and make decisions. My relationship with my mother has always been reversed. I even have a 17 yr old sister who burned my mothers house down and we allow down to our house on holidays my sister is still in state care and has not been reunited with family. Even with these unhealthy relationships if my husband cheated on me even once we would be completely through. Every relationship is different I am incredibly jealous and grateful my husband has a great and caring family that have no expectation from us but that doesn’t mean everyone does. While I limit my interactions with my mother and father I still have them in my life on my terms and I no longer give as much money as I once did.
    It sounds like he is trying to find blame and pass the buck to you about his infidelity which there will NEVER be anyone to blame to him no matter what. I get that most folks try to salvage these things but what he did to you was not a one night stand. During your termination he left you at the hospital to find your own way home. That alone should be your answer on if this marriage is worth it. In your worst moment he left you you made his choices.
    Also you wrote you continued to buy a house with him after knowing all of this? I’m also confused about this why would you make such a huge purchase not knowing if this is going to work out?
    My father was a terrible adulterer, mostly one night stands but there eventually came one woman who really stole his heart. I was 17 and she found me our myspace and told me everything, they had been together for almost 2 years, the funny thing was he had just bought his first house and everything. I always thought it was the weirdest thing that he bought that house knowing he had another long term relationship on the side – remember he always gets caught. My mother didn’t mind the cheating as she was a stay at home mom and really didnt want to be troubled with working. In the end they separated when I was 17 and my sister 7. House was foreclosed and my mother finally started working after being homeless.
    In my experience the cheating will not end esp. once they are caught and you forgive.
    In your shoes I would keep going to therapy alone but not to work through my mother issues – you can work on that later. For you to work on letting go of this dog and all the things you had planned in your mind. Work on planning new things and working through the PTSD of infertility.
    Remember him cheating has NOTHING to do with your relationship with your mother.

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  4. I can see how it all comes across as confusing because it is! So confusing!! We discussed post affair upgrading of house which we’ve been looking to do for a while. We really can’t stay in this house any longer as we have outgrown it in a big way and besides I have too many memories in this house that now are tainted and bring about bad feelings. Im not too financially savvy when it comes to these things but I believe that if we split I will fare better when we split assets etc. I do know that he would never let our daughter go without anything so doubt he would make it difficult for us financially. Then again I thought I knew him and look where that has got me…
    Plan to have a chat with therapist tomorrow to get hubby in on coupe therapy ASAP. We are getting nowhere fast and he had to take the blame for alot of this. I agree that whilst I may have issues relating to my family that is no excuse for what he has done. Time will tell where we go from here. Thanks so much for your help xx

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