I had a rather confronting individual session with our marriage counsellor today. The plan is to build me up and give me some emotional independence from my mum mainly. We discovered she is a major issue in our marriage so the plan is for me to work on distancing myself emotionally from her. Then we can work on our marriage. I won’t lie I’m very anxious about leaving my marriage hanging by a thread while I work in this. We are in a bad place but I know I need to do this.
We looked at our relationship while i was young and I’ve described it as her being needy of me. I said I felt sorry for her. Sorry that she was so infullfilled. I tried to pull away from her but she always got more needy and ended up suffocating me and still does. We have a reversed relationship in that I feel like the patent. Counsellor said to imagine that she is a needy child starving for love and I will start to understand her and her actions more.
I explained that she has mostly been caring and kind towards me and others but have discovered that it’s just her selfishness packaged as caring and kindness. Her acts of kindness were always a way of manipulation. Nothing was done or given out of love it was all to guarantee her wellbeing and in an effort to be loved.
She also always put a barrier between my dad and I which I always thought was for her to have the upper hand. My brother and I were almost like possessions to her. Her playing cards to hurt our dad but turns out she saw me as competition for my dads affection. She so desperately needed that affection and wasn’t going to let him give it to me. I hadn’t thought of it like that before and I’m still getting my head around that.
My homework is to prove my counsellor wrong and find things actions from the past that might prove that she does love me. When I see him next week im to talk about that and also discreetly ask my mum more about her childhood.
I don’t know why but I didnt cry during this session. Denial on my part? Maybe. I kept coming up with excuses for her when asked whether I thought she loved me. What you live with becomes the norm so I suppose this revelation is new to me.
So what now? Try to process all of this. Blog it all out to help analyse it and go from there. Day by day is all all I can focus on for now.