PGS testing or straight fresh transfer?

That is the question I’m asking myself after my appointment with fertility specialist today. I went to discuss our options with regards to trying IVF again *wince* I know I have mixed feelings about getting back on this crazy train again! Specialist was I think veering towards pgs testing for us. I had previously thought we had to develop the embryo to day 5 before they could be tested so had thought that wasn’t an option for us as we usually transfer day 3 or day 4. She said we could aim to get 10 fertilised embryos banked to then send off for testing. It would probably take me 3 cycles to do so. So if I did 3 cycles with a cycle rest between each id be done by July. All in the quest to get one chromosonally normal embryo to transfer. We talked about trying to avoid miscarriage or god forbid another pregnancy having to result in a termination. I don’t think I could handle that. In some ways it might make the process of Ivf easier as you don’t have the 2 week wait with each transfer. I suppose I would just focus on recovering between cycles rather than suffer the emotional stress that comes along with awaiting the results.

She also said that there’s no guarantee that we get any normal embryos to transfer at completion. There also a chance the embryos don’t survive the freeze and thaw process, so even if I did get one good one it could end up being not viable because of the stress of the procedure. 
I think also part of me is impatient with how long it will take to actually even get a result but then I think of all the time that my last pregnancy sucked up I can see the practicality of testing. I could of done another 2 cycles in the time in which I was pregnant and recovering from my loss. Time is not in my side. I really don’t know which way to go or how many cycles I can commit to doing. This debate has really thrown me as I wasn’t expecting to have this option. I need to decide either way before day 1 of my cycle so my treatment can be planned. 
Any advice or input appreciated guys xx

Many layers

9 days post the worst day of my life and the depth of this grief is unmeasurable. I’m finding so many layers to this sadness. Each day brings something new.
My husband and I went to see a perinatal psychologist a few days ago on the advice of our ob. I think he will be a godsend.
One thing I am fixated on is this compelling need to try again straight away. I know it’s a form of escapism as is my desire to sleep a lot. We touched on the subject of trying again and my husband didn’t respond with anything. I can’t stop thinking of this. To hammer it home he bought a new car on the weekend and is planning on giving his old one to his parents (a lovely gesture) but I can’t help but be fixated on the fact that the money he could get for selling it would allow us to do a few rounds of IVF without the stress of money hanging over our heads. He worries and has me worry about money so much and I’m upset that he wants to do this.
The psychologist said that now is not the time to make any decisions but truly if my husband refuses to do any more attempts at having a second child I don’t know what I will do. It’s a massive deal breaker for me. I feel like I’m living in a different world to anyone right now. I can only hope that the severity of this grief lessens.
The psychologist said I need to sit with the grief not run away from it and that the waves of grief will slowly become less constant and less frequent. He’s also suggesting an anti depressant for me which I agreed I need. I’ve taken them once before after my nan who I was very close to passes away and they helped me over the 6 months I was on then. It would be foolish of me to think that I can do this without any help. Right now I can’t see any good in anything. I know I need to.
Thank you for all your lovely comments ladies. This is such a difficult time and I appreciate each and every one of you xx

All for her

This is my princess girl, my love, my everything. I’ll never forget her face when she found out she would be getting a little brother or sister. Never. I’ll never forget how excited she was and how my heart swelled with joy. I’ll never stop wanting that feeling for both of us again.

My heart is so heavy

You ever feel like everything is riding on one decision? You ever look deep inside yourself and just come out with more questions. You ever wonder what it’s all about? Truly what it’s all about? I search and search myself for answers but all I find is heartbreak.
I write these words but even they don’t seem enough. There not enough to convey the magnitude of these feelings right now. Screaming at the top of my lungs would not be enough. There are no words.
How do I let go. So many dreams had developed for you little one over these past 12 weeks. How will I not think of you in my every waking moment? How will I not see you in my dreams. When will I stop longing to hold you. When in the future will I stop wondering whether I did the right thing? Is there even such a thing.
How does my husband sleep right now? There is nothing like our maternal instinct and nothing like carrying a child. Whilst I know he is anguished he will never mourn her like I will. I feel so alone.
I want you so much baby girl that I already feel your loss in ways I never dreamed possible. I keep thinking about how much it wouldn’t matter to me how you were affected, I would love you but maybe I love you enough to protect you from any of it and send you to be with God where I know your safe. Maybe that is my ultimate act of love but maybe it’s my ultimate act of fear.
I want you so much that maybe I’m blind sided by that maternal longing I’ve had for so long. My wants and needs shouldn’t come before the welfare of my child. I need to put aside my desires and focus on what’s best for my child long term. It’s so hard because I don’t really know how much you would suffer physically and emotionally in this world. No doctor can tell me that.
I’ve been reading every blog i can trying to catch a glimpse of what your future would be. My heart is so heavy.

A million pieces of me…

My obstetrician called me at 6:30 in the morning and asked me to come in to discuss harmony test results first thing. I went in and she said the results said 99% chance of Down syndrome. I asked how accurate they were and she said accurate. I asked if the percentages vary as it does when you get a probability based on an ultrasound and blood test but she said no it’s the nature of the test.
Due to these tests still being screening and not diagnostic she suggested doing a cvs test which I’m doing today. It’s pretty much to just confirm findings and said I should prepare myself accordingly. She said she’d be very surprised if the test read as a false positive.
I had an ultrasound done in her clinic to check for heart beat and my heart sank. I saw her there, so tiny but so much a baby now. She was jumping around and kicking away. So much life. My heart broke like I never could of imagined it capable.
I also know now that it’s a girl. I wasn’t going to ask my ob but I couldnt help myself and I snuck a look at the results. I shouldn’t of.
My daughter asked why I am so sad. I said mummy is just a bit sad as I have to go the doctors today. She replied with ‘but mummy you always get needles and you are always brave.’ That much is true. Not today though. My heart sinks at the thought of seeing her on the ultrasound again.
My husband, my daughter and I were in the car and somehow she brought up the topic of babies. She talked about how she’s going to have a baby sister and I just broke. There’s a million pieces of me now.

Devastated

Just got my results from our harmony test and am devastated. Results came back positive and/ or high risk for Down syndrome. I knew we would be high risk considering my age but can’t believe this is truly happening. It’s not diagnostic but considered pretty accurate. We see our obstetrician as soon as possible to discuss it further but in the mean time I’m a complete mess. Devastated doesn’t even come close. I think the next step will be diagnostic testing.
Probably clutching at straws but has anyone heard of false positives with this test?

10 weeks 5 days

Well here I am.

I had our first appointment with the obstetrician yesterday, the same one who delivered our daughter 4.5 years ago. She did an ultrasound and I saw the fluttering heartbeat. I exhaled a little. I told her how anxious I was feeling this time around and she acknowledged it but she’s not the type to utter reassurances. She’s pretty straight forward and more of a ‘get the job done’ type of person which is fine and I think actually calms me down a bit.
She organised all the scans and blood tests I would need and said she would induce me at 38 weeks of I hadn’t given birth by then. This came as a surprise and she explained it’s to minimise the risk of still birth with me being over 40 and 41 at the time I’ll be giving birth. This freaked me out a little. Apparently from 38 weeks gestation the risk increases with each passing week. Here I was thinking we could relax after our 12 week screening.
On the advice of our fertility specialist we had a harmony test done this week. It’s a non invasive blood test that screens for chromosome abnormalities 21, 18 and 13 and also tests for x & Y chromosome. It’s a test done from 10 weeks gestation. It has a higher abnormality detection rate then the standard ultrasound and blood tests carried about between 11 and 13 weeks. It is still just a screening method not a diagnostic one like the more invasive tests. We are hoping and praying for a low risk result coming through from our test. I’d really hate to have to go through with an invasive test considering the chances of miscarriage associated with the procedures. It seems I’m getting ahead of myself though…typical!
Our obstetrician asked our daughter, who I had with me at the appointment whether she wanted a little brother or sister. I had meant to discreetly mention to the doc that we hadn’t discussed the pregnancy with her yet and were holding off till we get results from the screening. A little late for that now as she instantly had a million questions for me.
Is there really a baby in your tummy mummy?
See I told you there was a baby in there.
Mummy I would really like a little baby sister.
Mummy how long till the baby is here?
I couldn’t help but smile at her she was so excited but I was a little annoyed at the doctor.
The pessimist in me is still so frightened of losing this baby. I don’t want to jinx this pregnancy in anyway. I’ve even been reluctant to blog the past few weeks through fear of a jinx. Saying it out loud makes me realise how pessimistic I really sound.
There was tears today when I spoke to a girlfriend about the appointment and about her plan of inducing me and the still born risk. I just want to be able to exhale. When will that be. This is harder than I thought it would be.
I’m so grateful, beyond grateful really that I’ve been blessed with this pregnancy, but I’m equally as frightened. This I didn’t expect so much.
Just have to take it day by day, look for the good in everything and trust that all is as it should be.
Much love and light to you all xx

7 week ultrasound

7 week ultrasound is complete! I saw a tiny fluttering heart beat at 124 bpm and is measuring 7 weeks and 2 days. The relief I feel already is immense. The sonographer said it all looks as it should but reminded me it’s early days.
I found this website (see link below) with a fair bit of detail pertaining to miscarriage rates by age and gestational period. It’s pretty interesting. According to that research my miscarriage rate now goes down from 30% to around 10% after a heart beat is detected. Those numbers aren’t too bad.

Lies, Damned Lies, and Miscarriage Statistics

Thanks again for all your support ladies. I really appreciate all your thoughts xx

5 week feels

So I’m currently 5 weeks 3 days pregnant. My anxiety levels are still high. I just want confirmation that everything is ok. I really want to enjoy this pregnancy.
I’ve been feeling a bit of nausea. Nothing too extreme just like my stomach is empty as soon as I finish eating and I get a sick feeling like I need to eat again. Been drinking lots of ginger tea to help settle my stomach and my bet is its made worse by the anxious feeling I have. I have been welcoming the nausea though as I’ve read that it’s a good sign for a viable pregnancy. I actually read somewhere that for women aged 35+ signs of nausea decreases the average miscarriage rate to 1/5 of the average rate. So that’s promising right?
Counting down to our first ultrasound. It’s at 7 weeks so 2 weeks and counting. My husband is away on business so won’t be there with me which isn’t ideal.
I her finding myself projecting my thoughts into the future. Then i freak out and snap myself back to the here and now. Amazing isn’t it the lengths we go to protect our precious hearts.
I’m wondering if I’ll start to feel like I’m just a normal person again. One with hope for the future, with a feeling of peace and with the ability to trust myself and others and truly enjoy life again. I feel so different to the me of a few years back. I feel so battle weary that I fear sometimes that I won’t find my way back to the old me. Maybe there is no way back and maybe that’s the point of it all.

A positive!!!

Oh my goodness!! I just emailed the clinic with my pictures of the testing results and they messaged back saying that I’m definitely pregnant! I’m in shock! Can’t believe it!
They said they’ll send me details of how to book in for my ultrasound. Someone pinch me!!
It Father’s Day today too. I feel like I’ve woken up to a dream today. Going to enjoy this moment and keep my worries about it all aside for now xx