A million pieces of me…

My obstetrician called me at 6:30 in the morning and asked me to come in to discuss harmony test results first thing. I went in and she said the results said 99% chance of Down syndrome. I asked how accurate they were and she said accurate. I asked if the percentages vary as it does when you get a probability based on an ultrasound and blood test but she said no it’s the nature of the test.
Due to these tests still being screening and not diagnostic she suggested doing a cvs test which I’m doing today. It’s pretty much to just confirm findings and said I should prepare myself accordingly. She said she’d be very surprised if the test read as a false positive.
I had an ultrasound done in her clinic to check for heart beat and my heart sank. I saw her there, so tiny but so much a baby now. She was jumping around and kicking away. So much life. My heart broke like I never could of imagined it capable.
I also know now that it’s a girl. I wasn’t going to ask my ob but I couldnt help myself and I snuck a look at the results. I shouldn’t of.
My daughter asked why I am so sad. I said mummy is just a bit sad as I have to go the doctors today. She replied with ‘but mummy you always get needles and you are always brave.’ That much is true. Not today though. My heart sinks at the thought of seeing her on the ultrasound again.
My husband, my daughter and I were in the car and somehow she brought up the topic of babies. She talked about how she’s going to have a baby sister and I just broke. There’s a million pieces of me now.