Anger

So I have some unresolved anger issues. I know I have to dissipate it or else it’s going to eat me alive. I have been conjuring up some pretty intense revenge scenarios but I know I can’t carry them out or I’ll end up in jail. Damn! 
My therapist tried to work with me on my anger 6 months ago but it didn’t gel with me. He suggested punching a bag that he had set up in his office. He said to imagine their faces on the bag and go for gold but I felt self conscious maybe. I couldn’t picture myself doing that. His other suggestion was to write down lots of descriptive bad words about them on a big piece of paper. I did that but didn’t feel any better.
When I bashed his car in (not my finest moment I know) I felt such a release while I was swinging at it. It felt like a bubble had popped inside of me. Not sure how else to explain it. I feel like if I could experience that release about 100 times over I would feel a bit better. 
Does anyone have any suggestions? Have any of you had anger issues and worked through them successfully? Any experiences welcome xx

Dirty secret

I haven’t told many people about my husbands infedility. Only three of my friends whom I know I can trust. No family know about it. Other really good trustworthy friends don’t know and I don’t know whether I’m doing the right thing by not sharing with them. I oddly feel a sense of protection over my hubby. I know he feels ashamed and I feel like I’m holding his dirty secret. One of my friends that knows all about us tells me that I should share the news with friends and family so that I can get the support I need. I keep thinking of another friend of mine that had her husband cheat and I could never quiet feel the same way about him again even when they reconciled. 
I feel guilty when my friends share with me their relationship issues. I feel a sense of disconnect. If I ever tell them how will they feel. Will they feel as though I didn’t trust them enough or didn’t think our friendship was worthy. Strange the things I think of sometimes.

My heart doesn’t understand

Lately I’ve been pondering on how well you really know someone. Can people really change dramatically or do you think there was always a bit of that person you didn’t know hiding away in some unseen recess. 
I remember my husband holding me tight in his arms when he told me that my nan had passed away. That was 8 years ago. My nan was my favourite person in the world and the devastation I felt in the moment was soothed only by him. It’s a moment I’ll never forget. I remember feeling as though him telling me that she had passed away was the worst job for someone to have to do but I was so grateful that it was him that bore the news. There is so much my heart doesn’t understand now. 
My sister in law, my husbands sister just lost a pregnancy. It was a much wanted one. She travelled to Greece for a donor egg for ivf. There was no heartbeat at 12 weeks. I asked my husband if she was ok and he said yes and that she knew the odds were stacked against her with her advanced age. It’s funny cause it’s the exact same thing he said to me upon finding out our baby had down syndrome. I don’t know what I’m to think or feel about this but I know it has me awake still at this late hour. 
His response sounded as clinical and cold both times he said it. Does he really believe that knowing the odds of something bad happening lessens the pain. We both lost hopes and dreams. Knowing the odds did nothing to make it hurt any less. I’m wrestling with myself to understand this view of his. 
Somebody commented on one of my posts that my pregnancy loss was his lost too but he failed to understand or mourn either with me or alone. I’m at a loss to understand this man whom I thought at his very core was goodness and kindness. Maybe he’s still there but he’s covered up in resentment. 

Trying to get past it all

Things I keep thinking about and am struggling to come to terms with;
– he said that he wished I had someone like the whore to talk to

– they both acted like I was ridiculous because I was still taking my prenatal vitamins over Xmas. 

– he told her he doesn’t even pretend to care about me anymore

– he messaged her minutes after I was wheeled in to have my termination

– he left me in the hospital for my mum to collect to go see her

– they said that they’d both never had sex like they had together

– he bought her lingerie for Xmas

– they talked about the same sexual acts that we shared

– he complimented her on how talented she was at blow jobs

– he was planning a holiday with her over Xmas 

– he later said he hadn’t thought about how he was going to explain that to our daughter
I want these thoughts to go away but the reality is they are etched in my mind forever. Time will tell whether I can get past all this. 

Getting nowhere fast

We’ve moved into our new house. It should feel good as its something we’ve wanted to do for so long now. More space, newer more modern home has been much wanted but now I’m here it means nothing. It’s tarnished by the state of my our marriage. My husband asked our therapist if it would be best if he not move in in order to give me some space. He advised against that as its not really working on the relationship. 
I can’t help feeling like he has one foot out of the door already. He’s getting around miserable and our daughter keeps asking him why he’s so sad. I’m so confused about everything. I can’t talk to him he’s like a bear in a cave. We are getting nowhere fast. I just feel so sad too. I cried myself to sleep last night. My husband has been sleeping in with my daughter to try and get her to sleep in her own bed. Yes, she’s 5 and she still sleeps with us. He didn’t try and sneak out and come in bed with me and I just felt so lost and alone. I really needed a hug or some thing, some sign that he still cares about us but im not so sure anymore. These feelings are awful. I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone.

Low life whore

Im thinking of messaging the Whore something like this…my hate for her is festering inside. I want her to know pain like I feel. I want her to wake up every day and wonder whether today is the day life as she knows it comes crumbling down around her.

I have a few questions for you. What did it feel like to sleep with my husband knowing his wife was pregnant? How did you justify it to yourself? What did you tell yourself so you could sleep at night? What did it feel like to go on a date with him the day I lost my baby you dirty, low life whore. What would your husband think? What sort of woman are you? Your absolute scum that’s what you are and your dead on the inside. 

Letter to my husband

I wish I were you sometimes. Then I wouldn’t of had to connect at all with our baby that was growing inside me. I wouldn’t of let myself feel anything at all. I could of said it was meant to be and moved on with my life. I could of went and distracted myself with my other life of fantasy and justifying to myself why I deserved this. I could of told myself what a selfish partner I had and how we didn’t have sex anymore so that meant I could do whatever I wanted to. No harm in that right. I could of told myself how it didnt matter how i treated my daughters mother because I loved her unconditionally. Even if I wasn’t present on a day or two here and there in our holiday, on the days where the little things matter most. I wouldn’t tell myself how I was cheating her too. Those little things on these days I spent with another I won’t regret right? I won’t look back in 10 years from now and wish I saw her frolicking in the waves and wish I’d relished every moment. Instead I was entertaining a whore. 

Feeling low

So over the weekend my sister in laws announces that her and her husband are travelling to Greece to do ivf with a donor egg. Whilst I’m happy for them it also made me a bit sad. I realised the contrast between her husband and mine. He is super supportive of her even going so far to organise business class flights from Sydney to Greece to ensure she’s relaxed. He’s excited about it all but is worried about what happens if it doesn’t work. I guess it just bought to light the contrasts between our situation and there’s. I pretty much endured all the ivf process alone without much support from my husband. 
My husband offered up all of our baby gear to them but my heart was screeching to a halt telling me that I can’t go there yet. I’ve only just lost a baby and I’m not ready to part with the baby stuff yet. Does that make me a selfish person? I just can’t. 
They both know that we did ivf but I found that I couldn’t even talk about it. His family don’t know that we were pregnant and lost it. I couldn’t even go there. I feel so alone and cut off from everybody. Not only am I keeping what feels like this dark secret of my termination I’m also having to shelf my feelings over my husbands infidelity. 
Another mum from my daughters school has befriended me and she started telling me a bit about her life. She started talking about how she’s trying to have a baby but is finding it hard. She spoke about terminating a pregnancy a year ago as she was having an affair on her husband with her ex. She fell pregnant to him and decided to terminate as she was confused. She’s worried now that she can’t seem to fall pregnant. As much as confessing to my experience to her would of felt good the words just wouldn’t come out. Why do I continue to feel such shame whilst others can share their experiences and gain support. I just feel so confused and alone. 
I’m feeling low today. I would of been 30 weeks pregnant. How life has changed in such a short amount of time. 

It’s taboo this loss

This was posted anonymously on my behalf today on Instagram on a page I follow ‘ihadamiscarriage’

It’s taboo this loss, and much like my miscarriage, I grieve alone. 
Four agonising rounds of IVF it took. Secondary infertility. Our chances were slim but still I believed in you. 
I handed daddy a positive pregnancy test. Father’s Day. He was quiet. I thought I saw tears swell. I can’t be sure.
The 6 week scan when I held my breathe till I saw your flickering heart. Hope grew.
Your big sisters face when asked whether she wanted a brother or a sister. There was no question. She wanted you, the way she jumped that day from her chair to mine saying with excited eyes ‘mummy I told you there was a baby sister in there.’
The day that I found out you had Down syndrome, my 41st birthday. The heartache of carrying you after making the gut wrenching choice that we couldn’t keep you. How I took my prenatal vitamins to the very day they took you from my body, hoping for a miracle. 
The 30 seconds before the anaesthetic hit when I told you I was sorry over and over. The utter emptiness I felt after. The way the light in my eyes have dimmed somewhat.
I rang the hospital the next day asking for your remains but you were just ‘a product of conception’ or so they said. 
The pregnancy symptoms that continued for a week after you were gone. How your sister keeps asking when your coming.
Learning your daddy and my partner of 22 years was cheating throughout your 13 week gestation. Finding out he left me in hospital on the very day I lost you to go to her. He didn’t have an urgent work meeting. I lost faith in humanity in that moment. 
What do I do with all this? I don’t know. It’s taboo this loss. 

Blessed

Sometimes there are moments in this life that remind us of what’s important. This morning I went to my daughters school a a volunteer to help with gross motor which is like sports for little kids with an emphasis on hand and eye coordination.
My daughter was so excited that I was coming to her school. They were all so cute. At the end the teachers told the kids to say thank you to us patent helpers. She came up to me and gave me the biggest hug and said thank you mummy! 
She is what I am blessed with. If nothing else good is to come out of my husbands and I twenty one year union, I know with certainty that I am beyond blessed with her.