My heart doesn’t understand

Lately I’ve been pondering on how well you really know someone. Can people really change dramatically or do you think there was always a bit of that person you didn’t know hiding away in some unseen recess. 
I remember my husband holding me tight in his arms when he told me that my nan had passed away. That was 8 years ago. My nan was my favourite person in the world and the devastation I felt in the moment was soothed only by him. It’s a moment I’ll never forget. I remember feeling as though him telling me that she had passed away was the worst job for someone to have to do but I was so grateful that it was him that bore the news. There is so much my heart doesn’t understand now. 
My sister in law, my husbands sister just lost a pregnancy. It was a much wanted one. She travelled to Greece for a donor egg for ivf. There was no heartbeat at 12 weeks. I asked my husband if she was ok and he said yes and that she knew the odds were stacked against her with her advanced age. It’s funny cause it’s the exact same thing he said to me upon finding out our baby had down syndrome. I don’t know what I’m to think or feel about this but I know it has me awake still at this late hour. 
His response sounded as clinical and cold both times he said it. Does he really believe that knowing the odds of something bad happening lessens the pain. We both lost hopes and dreams. Knowing the odds did nothing to make it hurt any less. I’m wrestling with myself to understand this view of his. 
Somebody commented on one of my posts that my pregnancy loss was his lost too but he failed to understand or mourn either with me or alone. I’m at a loss to understand this man whom I thought at his very core was goodness and kindness. Maybe he’s still there but he’s covered up in resentment. 


9 thoughts on “My heart doesn’t understand

  1. I don’t know either you or your husband, and I also have read only a few of your posts, so have no idea what is really going on. However, I just want to say that my husband has accused me throughout our marriage of being cold in situations where he thought I should be having more emotion. I react and grieve differently. I shut down. I don’t show my emotions but they are there. I just keep them tucked in me because I don’t know what to do with them. He may be the same. Or not. I medicate my pain with food. It is possible he medicates his pain through an affair, etc. Which does not make it okay. Not trying to say that. Just that it is possible he does care more than it appears. Trust your gut. Not your fears or insecurities or pain but that little voice deep within you.

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  2. In general, I think men don’t form that connection to a baby until it is outside the womb. Not defending his actions overall, by any means, but I know my husband is a very sensitive man in most cases, but he does not comprehend the pain that my daughter feels over not being able to conceive, nor does he react with much empathy to a loss before birth. I think because we carry those babies to birth, we develop more of a connection from the very beginning of conception. So in this case, he may not really recognize that his reactions seem cold and uncaring.

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  3. My husband has reacted completely differently to all our losses, but in general he has a way of compartmentalising things – so on one hand he might say “it is what it is, life goes on” kinda things, but at the same time his heart is shattered and he’ll cry if I mention the nickname we had for our last baby. I often think he’s fine, over it & getting on with life – and then feel bad that I’m still not coping with life & feel like shit about everything, but I think in the end everyone processes everything differently (or sweeps it under the carpet & doesn’t process it at all!). Makes it so tough to be dealing with the shit of infertility and trying to maintain or rescue a relationship.

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  4. I would say that a person doesn’t really change dramatically but that there can be some hidden part like you said. His comment on his sister’s pregnancy and yours back then does come across as quite clinical and borderline cold. Even if logically someone might know the odds are stacked against them with pregnancy, emotionally it is a whole other thing and absolutely heartbreaking!

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  5. When my husband and I first started grappling with infertility I felt his lack of empathy as well. I think the being clinical and distant may be a way to distance oneself from the loss as a way of self preservation.
    But it could be a mixture of other things as well. I also agree with the commenters above, women are carrying the baby, they feel the changes happening in their body, their body is naturally more invested in the pregnancy literally. I have heard that men normally don’t feel like anything is changing until the actual birth.

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  6. I don’t know your entire story, but I do believe that men don’t have the same connection to unborn children as we do. Someone once asked my husband if he loved our unborn daughter, and his response was, “I don’t even know her yet. How can I say I love her?” Anywho, I think it’s a man thing.

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