Sometimes despite everything all you have to show for effort is a big fat fucking nothing. Sometimes your hearts desires go unheard. Sometimes it all feels so fucking unfair. Sometimes it just is. Sometimes hardships make you better, they teach you a lesson, they gently shuttle you over to other dreams but often there’s nothing that compares to what your heart bleeds for. The bad things that happen in life never have a reason they just are. It’s an unfortunate truth. The worst kind and somehow when you experience it first hand your world is just that little bit darker. Not always black but tinted with that knowing that none of us have any control over the real important stuff. Yes I hear you protest about how we control the way we chose to respond to life’s hardships and i get that. Nevertheless I believe that to forgive the worlds darkness you have to sit with that darkness a while. It’s reality isn’t going to become less. The pain and the dark will lessen but the scars will always be there. Isn’t life a duality of both light and dark? So my next move should be to heal my heart some, come to terms with the darkness always being there a little and practising gratefulness for all I do have. How do I gracefully let go of what perhaps is not meant to be? When somebody finds a way to do that please let me know how. My stubborn heart won’t let go.
Hope
Grief
A few things I’ve learnt about grief.
1. Not everyone you thought would show up for you in your darkest hour will. I’m discovering that the best way to deal with this is to remember that some people can only meet you where they are emotionally able.
2. You may not in a stable enough emotional position right now to question point 1 above. These people are not abandoning you in your hour of need even though it may feel like it. Think more on this later.
3. The beautiful friendships you have in this life will be strengthened. You will never forget nor should you the people that showed up for you. The people that held your hand and cried with you. Never let those people go.
A positive!!!
Oh my goodness!! I just emailed the clinic with my pictures of the testing results and they messaged back saying that I’m definitely pregnant! I’m in shock! Can’t believe it!
They said they’ll send me details of how to book in for my ultrasound. Someone pinch me!!
It Father’s Day today too. I feel like I’ve woken up to a dream today. Going to enjoy this moment and keep my worries about it all aside for now xx
Input needed!
So here is my guilty secret haha been testing early of course. Here’s a shot of my results of 8, 9 and 10 days post 3 day transfer. I took the trigger shot 38 hours prior.
Someone please put me out of my misery! Do you think this is still the trigger left over? I tested all three tests with my first urine of the day.
Driving myself a little crazy!! Input please ladies xx
It’s the ray of hope that hurts…
So I did it, I tested early today. Transfer was a week ago yesterday which I think makes it 8 days post 3 days transfer. I shouldn’t of done it as I know the trigger injection could still very well be in my system. It would of been around the same time that I tested last time and got a false positive.
2 faint lines showed up and now I’m annoyed with myself…shouldn’t of done that! It’s the little ray of hope that has now sprung that kills me.
Aarghhhh
Mid 2 week wai
HOW long does 2 weeks take to go by when your waiting on it. Feels like forever. Mid way through now which i think is the worse place to be. Truth be told I’ve hit a pretty low point. Everything feels shit. Feeling like I want to pack up and relocate myself somewhere near the ocean and stick my head in the sand away from my life.
Been thinking about quitting my job lately. All the happenings there are on my mind too much. I work in the fitness industry and lately I feel like an imposter. I’ve put on so much weight, I’m not exercising due to the ivf and I’ve been comfort eating, ALOT! I guess I’m finding it difficult to retain any sort of motivation an even more difficult to try and motivate others which is my job. What to do…ill go think about it over a piece of chocolate 🙄
God just the read the above. I’m so whingy. I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but can’t snap out of it.
So physically I don’t feel any symptoms apart from some cramping and having to wee every second minute, oh and overly reactive to everything. Did I mention that? 😏 could have something to do with the shit load of progesterone I’m on also.
Haven’t tested but I’ve thought about it. Today I’m 7 days post 3 day transfer. I’ve got the kits ready to go…last time I tested early I got a positive but it was the trigger shot…devastating!!
Anyways I’m sure that won’t stop me testing tomorrow. Will keep you updated.
Her
The ache is constant. It’s a weary kind of ache, almost in my bones
And the next it’s a panicky kind of agitation
It’s wells up inside and threatens to spill over
Tarnishing everything in its wake
She is my saviour
I pull her to me, as I pull her out of the bath and wrap a towel around her
I hold her with a frightened intensity
This moment that I will never see again or have with another
I soak it all in and I can’t let go
Her smell, her tiny body against mine, the ferocity of the moment unknown to her
She just likes hugs
She will hug me to the stars, to the moon and back to the stars again, she says
Life is beautiful, then it is cruel then it is beautiful again
4th round here we come!!
So here we go again! All aboard the crazy train to god knows where. Our 3rd round of IVF failed but I feel strangely calm. I knew 8 days post transfer that it had failed. Just instinct I guess so the 5 days following until which I got my period was a time of acceptance. At 9 days post transfer I was back in my specialist office organising my next round. My frozen cycle was unmedicated so didn’t want to wait another month before taking some sort of action.
My specialist put me on a short cycle which I welcomed as the last cycle ended up taking 3 months with the long down regulation and the month wait between the retrieval and the transfer. She’s also put me on some different medication. The nurse I saw said she’d never seen a cycle plan quiet like mine before 😳 haha typical!
She’s got me taking Elanva to start producing follicles. It’s long acting and I take it once and it lasts for 5 days. Anyone had this before? The injection felt like it burnt and when I went to sleep last night the room spun. Weird. Then I start the usual gonal-f and then add in Luveris on the 6th day which apparently is like a final push for my little eggs. All pretty intense but over pretty quickly hopefully.
We also spoke about my endometriosis. I think it’s flared up again as I have pretty much constant back pain on the side effected and a 3 day light period before my actual period. Specialist said she can do some sort of deep ultrasound to check the severity of it and if this cycle doesn’t work she can look at putting me on medication to reduce the severity of it. Anyone done this before?
Off to madly google that I suppose!
Love and light to you all xx
P.s I love reading all of your blogs ladies. I’m so happy that I’m seeing so many of you have success with your cycles lately. Keep those happy, positive stories coming. Gives me so much hope. Much love cx
I still believe in you
Infertility feels like losing a little part of yourself everyday. It’s busy instilling a bitterness in my soul Ive never felt before. It feels a constant battle to choose between the thing I so desperately want and the things I feel I used to possess such as a good relationship with my husband, performing well in my job, and being a present and giving mum and friend. It makes me question everything and everyone around me. It feels like losing. It’s the challenge of holding onto hope whilst simultaneously preparing yourself for disappointment.
It makes me unsure of tomorrow, even unsure sometimes how I’ll get to the next day, but yet I do. The world still turns. It still turns regardless of what seemingly devastating event is taking place in my life. Just when I think that I can’t imagine how I’ll deal with this scenario or that scenario, I do. I look back and marvel that I survived it. There should be some solace in that I think. I’m almost certainly stronger than I give myself credit for. That much I know.
We’ve almost come to the end of our 3rd, almost certainly failed cycle and I know we will dive head first into our next attempt. I can’t not. Can’t even consider it. With tears in my eyes and a knot in my heart I have to keep trudging forward. I’m not ready to give up on this yet. A more sensible person probably would. They’d see the stats, see the effort, see the heartache and probably decide against it.
But I still believe in you.
Is this the end?
Had the weirdest dream last night. Dreamt that I was signing up to a new fertility clinic and after I signed the papers I realised that they didn’t offer a rebate. I was so upset! Really upset! It felt like the final straw and I felt so stupid for not checking before signing up. I was worried about what my husband was going to say 😁 I was in a panic that we couldn’t afford it, that I couldn’t get out of the contract, that I was being taken for a ride.
I remember the nurse I was talking with in the dream was actually my daughters day carer, a lovely sweet natured lady who wouldnt even raise her voice usually. I totally let loose on her 😁 expressing my frustration over everything ivf related 😁 poor woman. Almost feel like I should apologise to her when I see her next haha
In other news I went to the toilet this morning and wiped the tiniest smear of blood ( I know too much information ) my heart sank. Is this the end?? I’m 7 days post 3 day natural FET. Sadly I think it is. I suppose the part of my brain that lives in hope will make me do a home pregnancy test anyways as I’ve still got another 5 days till I’m supposed to test.
Infertility nonsense 