So many injections!

 So tonight I have to add in another injection on top of the two I’m taking already. I have to mix this one which is a bit daunting. It’s called Luveris and its to help stimulate ovaries. I hope it works. I go for the first ultrasound the day after next. I’m on day 6 of stimulation. I’m really nervous. I kinda don’t want to know how many eggs I’ve got sitting there. It’s the make or break of the cycle really. I’m really hoping and praying for more than my previous best of 3. I’m hopeful but also readying myself for disappoint. Better to be prepared. Is that negative thinking or self preservation?
Just did them. Mixing them up is a job in itself! You have to mix the liquid with the powder and then administer. I’m sure it will get easier as I do it more. My mum was just over when I was mixing all the meds and getting them all ready. She seemed a bit taken back from all the meds. I suppose it’s a sight if your not accustomed to it.
Anyhow felt slightly intimidated by the new drug tonight. The meds so far haven’t fazed me. I’m no longer needle phobiac. I used to pass out at the sight of a needle once upon a time. Guess what? Cured! Haha
Off to bed I go to listen to my fertility hypnotherapy session where I’ll be envisioning lots of follicles growing, a stress free retrieval and manifesting myself a shitload of luck.

Cycle 3 update

I feel obliged to update on all the ins and outs of this journey but what really feels like it needs to purged is all the emotion pent up, which feels as though it is sitting right at my chest.
That is the reasoning behind this blog for me. I need this outlet to purge all the feelings inside, both negative and positive. Im not the type of person to discuss my innermost thoughts with friends or family. Sure I’ll discuss the ins and outs with close friends that know about this journey im on but I’m not apt to talk about how much I’m really struggling. One of my very best friends that I’ve known for 20 years said to me the other day that I don’t seem to let things affect me much. She couldn’t be more wrong. I feel like I’ve let everything affect me. I must be better at hiding my struggles than I thought. Funny how people perceive us isn’t it. Even those closest to us.

I’m noticing my anxiety around my daughter is well alive. I have this horrible fear that something bad will happen to her, I’ve had it for a while now. I’ve had therapy about it. It’s still there. I’m trying all the things the therapist suggested and some days it helps other days it doesn’t.
I know I have to try to talk myself down from the anxiety and think about how realistic it is that the thing I’m worried about will actually happen. My fears seem to be centred around leaving her with anyone. Watching her drive off in a car, a friend taking her for a 5 min walk to the shop, leaving her with my mum when I go to work, that type of thing. It’s pretty paralysing the feeling sometimes. I can’t focus on anything else, just the feeling of dread in my stomach. The intensity comes and goes.
Hypnotherapy seems to be going well. I listen to the recorded session as often as I can. It’s only half an hour but it makes a difference for me. A lot of the time I don’t recall what was said in the session but apparently my subconscious hears it all anyway so it still works. Strange concept isn’t it.
I feel lately as though I’m in my own head a lot. I don’t have much energy for conversing. It’s pretty all encompassing this IVF thing.
Looking forward to this cycle being over and hopefully being a success.
Love and light to you all xx

Releasing guilt

Hypnotherapy update
So I had my first hypnotherapy session last night. I’m not entirely sure how i feel about it yet.

A friend from work suggested i go see her hypnotherapist as she claimed he helped cure her of chronic insomnia.
I felt at ease with him straight away and we spoke about what I wanted help with. It felt like a therapy session in that he delved into my health, events surrounding my health, triggers for my anxiety and my past history of anxiety. He down about half an hour chatting with me about these things and reasons that I’ve been given as to why we can’t conceive the second time around. I spoke about my age, my miscarriage, my endometriosis and resulting surgery that left me with one follopian tube, my husbands health and my desire to manage my stress levels and maintain positive thinking throughout this next IVF cycle.
He started asking more details on my miscarriage and hit a raw spot. I had a cry and explained that the feeling I had was sitting right there in my chest, suffocating me. I spoke about acknowledging the feeling in my chest as guilt. I blame myself for losing the baby. I know that I feel this and I know that it’s tattooed everything but I can’t let it go. I keep replaying everything in my mind leading up to the miscarriage. It’s a heave burden that’s getting harder and harder to carry around with me everywhere I go.
He explained that to move forward I need to begin to see it as an unfortunate event that has happened. I can no longer let it dictate what I’m deserving or not deserving of. I need to release the cycle of thoughts I have attached to it, get rid of my baggage, say my goodbyes and welcome new life.
I need to work on changing my ingrained responses to events in my life that have been learnt overtime and his belief is that through hypnosis and re training my subconscious mind, the re programming happens alot quicker than with conventional therapy.
The rest of the session was the actual hypnosis. We worked on releasing the feelings of guilt attached to my miscarriage and also the guilt I have associated with my mum (a whole other story for another time) and the guilt I have with my husband and his health and financial woes. I was aware and can recall all the details and different stages during the hypnosis. I’ll endeavour to write more detail on the hypnosis later but for now I just wanted to get this stuff down in writing so I can process it.
When I awake I felt calm and slept well last night. I recall him giving me instructions on how I would feel when I woke up today. I’d feel lighter, I’d change my routine slightly, I’d feel better. I’m analysing my thoughts today a bit but I’m just going to relax and see how the week progresses. I go back to see him next week. I’ll be really happy if I can feel a lightness about myself again.

Exhaling

So we had our nurses appointment with the new clinic to discuss such things as payment options, all the little details involved with cycling with them etc. It went well and I’m set to start on the meds this coming Monday.

I really like the nurse we spoke to. She put me at ease. She said something that I will try to keep in mind which was ‘work IVF in and around your life, don’t let your life work around ivf’. I think my life is starting to be all about IVF these days. She said if i want to drink coffee than go ahead and have the two a day I would like as it makes no difference to conceiving. Wow, I’m not too sure about that but it was a relief to hear. She also said if I wanted a wine then do so too. She said that I might think about abstaining after transfer if I preferred but she suggested to just relax and carry on my life as normal. I asked about exercise post transfer and she said yes, go about my routine as per usual. I liked her attitude. I felt like I exhaled during that appointment. She said that whether the treatment is successful or not, it’s out of my control and it’s nothing I did right or wrong throughout the process.

On looking at the payment options I was also glad to hear my husband speaking about payment details on a 2nd and 3rd cycle as the subsequent cycles get less expensive the more treatments you have. We havent really spoken about how many cycles we will do and to be honest I was worried that he would pull the pin financially sooner rather than later. I feel that I can rest a little easier knowing that he’s considering more treatments if we need them. Again I exhaled during that appointment.

My first hypnotherapy is scheduled for tomorrow tonight so will update as to how it goes. I’m looking forward to learning some strategies to keep my mind positive in dealing with these wild ups and downs for this next cycle.