I feel obliged to update on all the ins and outs of this journey but what really feels like it needs to purged is all the emotion pent up, which feels as though it is sitting right at my chest.
That is the reasoning behind this blog for me. I need this outlet to purge all the feelings inside, both negative and positive. Im not the type of person to discuss my innermost thoughts with friends or family. Sure I’ll discuss the ins and outs with close friends that know about this journey im on but I’m not apt to talk about how much I’m really struggling. One of my very best friends that I’ve known for 20 years said to me the other day that I don’t seem to let things affect me much. She couldn’t be more wrong. I feel like I’ve let everything affect me. I must be better at hiding my struggles than I thought. Funny how people perceive us isn’t it. Even those closest to us.
I’m noticing my anxiety around my daughter is well alive. I have this horrible fear that something bad will happen to her, I’ve had it for a while now. I’ve had therapy about it. It’s still there. I’m trying all the things the therapist suggested and some days it helps other days it doesn’t.
I know I have to try to talk myself down from the anxiety and think about how realistic it is that the thing I’m worried about will actually happen. My fears seem to be centred around leaving her with anyone. Watching her drive off in a car, a friend taking her for a 5 min walk to the shop, leaving her with my mum when I go to work, that type of thing. It’s pretty paralysing the feeling sometimes. I can’t focus on anything else, just the feeling of dread in my stomach. The intensity comes and goes.
Hypnotherapy seems to be going well. I listen to the recorded session as often as I can. It’s only half an hour but it makes a difference for me. A lot of the time I don’t recall what was said in the session but apparently my subconscious hears it all anyway so it still works. Strange concept isn’t it.
I feel lately as though I’m in my own head a lot. I don’t have much energy for conversing. It’s pretty all encompassing this IVF thing.
Looking forward to this cycle being over and hopefully being a success.
Love and light to you all xx