It’s then that I feel it

On the outside I smile to the world and seem to carry on like my world isn’t falling apart. On the inside the pain is immense. I feel like I really need the one person in the world I could depend on except that he is the one that has broken my world apart. 
I remember d-day when I confronted him I told him that I didn’t know what had happened to me. I felt like a shadow of who I used to be. Since having our daughter I’ve lost myself and have struggled. I asked him to please help me. I said that he knew me the most out of anyone and that I needed him to help me. I feel that same desperation tonight. It’s come over me like a wave. I sit here and I hear the quiet of the house, everyone is asleep and I feel the devastation of my heart. 
My heart and mind don’t understand any of this. They both seem to be refusing to comprehend that what we had is dead. This antidepressant is numbing the pain but it still seems to seep out of my minds crevice especially when I am quiet and I lay my head to sleep. It’s then that I feel it. 
I don’t know what I’ve done to have him feel the way he does about me now. It somehow feels like all my fault. I know that practically that it’s not but how will I look at my daughter everyday when her daddy is gone. This is all so shitty.


7 thoughts on “It’s then that I feel it

  1. Omg I’ve missed so much! Is he leaving?? I’m so sorry! I’m so sad for you, it all sounds so devastating. I hope you have some close people to support you through this and talk to. Things will be okay. They really will, one way or another. They can only get better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi! No he hasn’t left but I think that’s the way it’s going. Preparing myself i guess. Luckily I do have some great people around me. I know things can only get better but I wish they would hurry up! Thank you for your lovely message

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Be mindful of the fact that an itinerary can very easily be doctored electronically to reflect any destination and by asking him to produce her itinerary, you are facilitating and instigating further legitimate contact between them. The only real way to find out would be to finally ask her husband. You have nothing to lose.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Has he decided to separate? I am so sorry. His leaving will not affect you as much as it will affect your daughter. In fact, the bad thing he could have done to you, he has already done it.

    I used to feel horrible when I had anxiety issues with my baby girl. You know, I had a long time struggle with having kids, and I did not anticipate how hard parenting would be.

    But what he did when I was pregnant with our son, I have always felt that he never understood my parenting anxiety. If I was paying more attention to the baby and not him, it is because he could clean his own poop, but my infant could not. Was I not a woman? Was he not a Dad? Wasn’t this child ours? We had wanted this, then how come he went on to celebrate it with bringing another woman for a ho-fest. I was dealing with dysfunctional uterine bleeding post – delivery. He was soliciting sex. How is this fair?

    It’s not fair.

    Please don’t stop him if he goes. I will tell you something. I would have found it easier, had my husband walked out on us. I feel a huge emotional disconnect, and although the house is happier these days, than it was previously (thanks to grown up kids), I feel a void.


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