I feel like I want an explanation from him. I asked him why over and over again but he had no answer except that there was nothing he could say to make it better. I felt like it was some sort of game to him. He seemed to have enjoyed the hiding of the affair and he asked me what made me suspicious in order to check his messages. He was interested in how he was found out. In our couple session the therapist asked him if he had been unfaithful before and he said no but looking back I don’t believe him. He seemed to slip into the role of a cheater way too easily. I could be wrong but I dont think so. I know in their messages there was talk between them about their first kiss and their first sexual encounter being the longest courtship for both of them. I asked him if he loved her and he said he didn’t know. When I confronted him that night he started saying ‘but we havent had a sexual relationship for a while’ almost like he believed that justified his behaviour.
He said that we grew apart and i replied that it would of been nice to know that before I put myself through 4 rounds of ivf asshole. We were pregnant when the sexual part of the affair began I think. I’ll be delving into these details with our therapist present next week.
Nothing is ever black or white is it. I find it hard to believe that they have broken the affair off altogether. It doesn’t sit right with me. My therapist said that men would see the affair differently than women. They are less likely to be emotionally invested and he feels it wouldn’t be unusual for my husband to have walked away from her.
Regardless of all this I need to know if there is any shred of goodness left in my husband. I need him to take responsibility for this. I need to know how it felt and if he felt anything at all whilst all this was going on. I myself would of been blindsided by guilt. I would hate myself and I said that to him that night. I said you must hate yourself and I saw it struck a sore spot with him. Will an understanding of everything help me gain closure if that’s the path I’m going down? Or maybe I’ll be left with the feeling that I had him all wrong all this time.
Infertility nonsense 
Hey love. Been following along and didn’t want to pitch in my two cents on your husbands affair but I’ve gotten so frustrated reading your last few posts! 21 years is a long time and with all that you’ve been through- I know you’re a fighter. But nothing about you indicates that you are a door mat. However, your husband is continuously walking all over you. I’ve been in your shoes with my ex. Messaging the other woman, even going as far as to fight her and fuck up her car (I was much younger) and did it change anything? No. She stopped seeing him but guess what? He found someone else. This is not his first affair, just the first time he’s been caught. This will not be his last. Save yourself more years of heartbreak and leave. You deserve better. You staying and putting up with this just shows him that he can get away with it and that next time, he has to be more discreet. Ugh I so hate being “that insensitive bitch in the comment section” but I truly believe the saying, “once a cheater- always a cheater”. Last thing, tell your husband to read / review the book of Proverbs and what it says about marriage and straying on your wife. I’m rooting for you. Be strong in whatever you decide to do.
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Thanks for commenting. It’s good to have opinions whether their with a positive slant or negative to the situation both are relevant and warranted. Believe me both responses are like a tug of war in my head and your not an insensitive bitch haha
I really think we will delve more into all this in couples therapy this week so stay posted. Can’t wait to have a mediator there so I can let loose.
Thanks for your support xx
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You’re such a positive person, I really hope that it all works out for you!
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Yes, if he was feeling like you were growing apart, he could have spoken up! Or if it had been one mistake then fine, but to be able to keep the affair going like that behind your back for so long is really horrible, especially considering everything that was going on. It would be very hard to trust your husband again I can imagine! I hope the therapy sessions are helping. Thinking of you
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Thank you lovely. Trust is definitely a major issue and I hate it as I’ve always been so trusting of him. I hate that he’s ruined my ability to trust now whether it’s with him or with somebody else down the track. Need the therapy in bulk and even double sessions haha xx
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Honestly I don’t think you could ever understand. Even if he explained it perfectly. I know in my husbands case he couldn’t come up with a reason, and I honestly believe he doesn’t know WHY. I believe it’s the case for many cheaters to not actually know why. In all my research, ive found that a large percentage of cheaters are happy in their marriage and find their spouse more attractive than the OP. It doesn’t make sense to me at all.
I think what will really help you is regaining trust. that comes from H showing you he can be trusted by his actions, and with time. My husband and I are trying to work on the trust thing right now. It’s hard, but it’ll come.
I hope things work out for you guys. I know as positive as I try to be sometimes it seems like we will never come out of this. I still believe, though, that if you really want it, you can find a happier marriage after this.
Good luck!
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Thanks for your comment. With each day I feel polar opposites with regards to how I feel about this situation. One minute I think I want to try and see if we can make it work and the next I want to throw him out and blacken his name. I know it’s early days. I think clarity will come. Hope things are slowly working out for you guys. Keep the faith xx
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I would want ALL the information, explanations, etc. that I could get. That’s just who I am. Whether it’s healthy or not, I don’t know. I hate that you’re going through this. I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Lots of love.
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Thank you xx
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I rarely comment on any of the blogs, because I started following them due to my daughter, who struggles with infertility. The various infertility blogs help me to relate better to what she is going through. However your has struck a particular chord with me.
My ex-husband also had an affair, which started a few weeks after the birth of our second child. I can so much relate to all of the mixed emotions you have going, and I can tell you they are so normal. You will feel an intense desire to hold on, and to want to know the why’s and all of that. In my situation, my then husband also ended the affair as soon as I found out. They also worked together and a friend reported their affair and the gal was fired. I did learn that, as your therapist said, for men these affairs are usually not emotional. With the stress that infertility and IVF, and termination put on any marriage, I think men often can’t deal with their own emotions and need to maintain an air of strength to their wife, so I think they kind of shut down and feel the need to share those emotions elsewhere, where they are not truly emotionally invested, and that is where they reach out elsewhere to a place to feel safe sharing the emotions to a third party, and the affairs begin. Thus the reason they truly can let go of that affair easily, while it seems unfathomable to us women, because we can’t imagine not investing emotionally in our relationships, but men really can.
I will say that the more you use these therapy sessions to work on yourself and build yourself up, and to become more of a whole person for yourself, the more clear your next course of action will become. Your mother may really be a big part of your marital woes, as it is difficult on a marriage to have a somewhat ‘toxic’ person always in the picture. It is especially hard for the non-related spouse, because they see what it does to you more than what you may recognize yourself.
My marriage did end, primarily because of my husband’s affair, but I was the one who chose to end it, after a year of therapy. He approached our therapy sessions as if I needed to fix everything in our marriage and I needed to make ‘him’ happy. After working on myself for a while, I soon realized that I was really not happy with the role my husband played in our partnership, as I contributed far more to our relationship than he ever did. But once I realized that and became more whole and satisfied with myself, the more I was able to fully let go of our marriage.
It sounds like your husband does feel sorry for what he has done and does accept a large portion of the blame, where mine still blamed me for not keeping him happy, when he really didn’t take an active role in any part of our marriage. So you may have a better outcome. I will say that you should not try to make decisions at this time in life, because those decisions will be based purely on raw emotions. Wait until you have healed completely and have your own sense of confidence back, and you will have a new insight on what is the right course of action for you.
I have also seen a few couples who survived an affair. They lost the ability to communicate and share their emotions and the affair happened. After counseling sessions and the raw pain was healed, they actually came out the other side with a stronger relationship that was far better than they ever imagined. So these things can go either way. Don’t lose hope for your marriage to survive, but also don’t lose sight of yourself in trying to save the marriage. Work on you, and it will all become much more clear what path you should take. Don’t rush it.
I feel for everything you are going through, but I can speak from experience, all is not lost, and you will get through this and will likely be a stronger and happier person, regardless of the final outcome.
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Wow I truly feel like you’ve just read my mind! Everything you have written makes sense and I agree with it all. It’s nice to know someone that gets it, truly gets it. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
I do feel like I’m in a vulnerable state of mind at the moment and I’m trying not to make any rash decisions.
I hope everything works out for your daughter. She’s very lucky to have your support.
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I felt the same way when I was reading your blog. I remember that crushed feeling when I discovered the affair. It was almost like reading my own story over again. Through my therapy sessions I learned that it takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage. If I’m honest with myself, I know that neither my husband or I were meeting each other’s emotional needs in the marriage. That was why he initially had the affair. But afterward, although he ended the affair, he still didn’t exhibit behavior that indicated he was really invested in our marriage either.
After a year of therapy and working to fix me, I realized that I had two choices: 1) stay in a marriage where I may never feel fully secure again, and where my partner wasn’t contributing much to make either himself or myself happy. 2) end the marriage and hope there is something better out there. I started to realize that regardless of what decision I made, I was really still alone. I would always be alone in that marriage, even though there was a husband there, or I could really be alone and free to perhaps find something more satisfying.
So I suddenly became very indifferent to my husband, because my feelings had already kind of died. At that point when I honestly had no desire for that marriage any longer, he suddenly woke up and wanted to be an active participant in our relationship. But it was too little too late. I did feel bad for him and bad for ending things, but I also had a clear conscience about it and knew it was the right thing to do.
We were lucky to be able to end things amicably and were able to co-parent our daughters, and to this day, I am friends with my ex-husband. I realize he wasn’t a bad person, he just wasn’t emotionally invested in ‘US’ until he had abandoned me emotionally for too long. I am actually thankful for his betrayal, as it set me down a path of self-reflection and allowed me to realize that I was trying too hard to hold onto a marriage that was never going to be an equal partnership.
Once I gained my self-esteem back, I met a man who has been an equal partner and a fabulous step-father to our daughters. We still include my ex-husband in family gatherings, because he is my girls’ father, and they love him.
I wish you the best, no matter what path you choose, but use this as a time for deep self-reflection and healing, and I think at the end, your path will become more clear.
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I’m so glad that your finally at peace with everything and have gone on to find love. Gaining self esteem back is a tough process as is self reflection and healing. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story and giving me hope of light at the end of the tunnel xx
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