Ok, a while between posts I know. I’m out at my work zmas party, not the best time to post I know but alcohol brings out the best in us right?

shit in my life is the same. I’ve come to terms with the fact that my husband is an asshole but it doesn’t make it easier. I hate the fact that he has finished my self esteem and makes me feel that the best is behind me.

I’ve started a job I love but still I feel a void that  I’m struggling to fill. My friends tell me to have a fling but I have no interest.

 

Where to from here? Who knows!

 

A certain kind of calm

A certain kind of calm has come over me lately. I’ve been throwing myself into renovation of our old house so maybe it’s because I’ve been kept busy but I don’t feel so at odds with everything. 
Things at home haven’t changed. We continue to avoid each other as much as possible with hardly a direct word spoken between us. A friend commented that it must be difficult but most days I just accept it. As much as I am devastated by it all I don’t hold resentment like he does. As much as I am hurt I won’t let it turn my heart to stone like he has. 
My taking action in getting the house ready for sale or lease feels good. He is planning on moving there so that he can still initially be close to our daughter then we will either sell it or lease it a bit later. He’s buying all sorts of trampolines, fancy beds etc for her for the house. He has no idea that these things won’t reduce the brunt of what will happen. A new trampoline won’t mean shit when she realises what is happening. She will be devastated when she realises he’s moving out. 
He continues to talk to his Whore, well obviously as they still work together. He tells me that she is the only person in the world that knows what’s going on so he talks to her. If he gave a shit he would find someone other than his Whore to spill his guts to. I sincerely hope she’s been worth it. 

Letter to the Whore

Nov 4th 2016… I’ve thought about that day a lot. It’s the day I went to hospital to have my baby taken from me. It was the worst day of my life. I didn’t think it could become worse, that is until I read, in amongst my husbands and your lovely conversations, that you met up that day. You knew everything that was happening, you knowingly continued the affair whilst I was pregnant. He asked you to bring a summer dress for the occasion and off you both trotted to enjoy a day of whoring. 
I read this that fateful day and the date seemed to jump out of the screen to me. I wished to be dead in that moment. My head and my heart didn’t want to reconcile that people that could do this exist in the world. I didn’t know a lot about myself in that moment either. I didn’t know who I had spent the past 22 years loving, and how my judgement of character had failed me in thinking that he was inexplicably good. The one thing I did know is the type of person you are. It doesn’t get much lower than you. That is why I will live to see your demise. 

Dramas dramas

The past few days have seen me fairly stressed. My mum and dad had a domestic the other night and it got out of hand. My mum started arguing with dad and he threw something at her. Mum called the police, police came, dad got angry and swore at the police officers and resisted arrest. 
Mum came knocking on my door late at night pleading her case that he was being abusive and she had no fault in it. As much as I detest violence, I lived with them for the first twenty years of my life and witnessed first hand their domestics and know they are as much to blame as each other. Does that sound cold? Probably but I have little sympathy left for the both of them. Granted the situation becomes more complicated with mums mental health issues. Dad doesn’t have the patience and I can’t say I blame him honestly. It’s hard to handle. Over the years she’s refused to accept treatment and he’s refused to admit her so the cycle continues. 
So the day following saw me have to suggest solicitors, pick up clothes for dad to give him for court because he wasn’t allowed back home, counsel mum, make lunch for dad as he hadn’t eaten and basically act as a intermediary. I suppose I come to their aid as I feel sorry for them. It’s a sad situation but sadly a burden I’ve had to carry for far too long. 
So now dad has an avo in place. Like father, like daughter hey. I see the similarities in us and I see the lesson to be taken from this, I do. I have an Avo (that I’m not proud of) and I handled it like an adult. I didn’t go running to them to help fix my problems but they selfishly think it’s fine to come to me. I won’t end up in the same situation. I’m doing my best to become better.
Home life was pretty hard living with my parents until I met my husband and he witnessed a domestic and got me to go live with him. Like a knight in shining armour he rescued me but now he’s not that anymore. It’s hard.
Meanwhile I snooped on my husbands email that he left unlocked the other night. I found an email from the day before he had sent to the Whore asking her what she thought of house plans he designed up. He’s altered the project home builders plan. We were initially planning on building it on our old block of land by doing a knock down and rebuild. The fact he is obviously on good terms with her and he contacted her at all has me so angry! I don’t know why he sent her the plans. He told me for an opinion as he would still like to build it for our daughter. On which he planet is he on? He wouldn’t be able to afford that now. 
I replied to the Whore via email calling them both lowlifes. I woke him up in the middle of the night telling him he had to go that next day and how dare he do that right under my nose. He argued we aren’t together so he can do what he likes. I argued to show some damn respect whilst he’s living under the same roof. 
So all in all its been a shitty week

What makes me happy?

It’s strange how infidelity can cause you to reexamine every aspect of your life. It makes you question everything. There are many life changing aspects to life that I’m sure cause you to look closer at who you are, what you want, the mistakes you’ve made…quite frankly it’s exhausting. I feel like there are so many tabs open in my mind as I jump from thinking of my future to thinking of my past.
It’s hard to decide what should take importance right now. I think the practical things I should be doing would be most people’s focus but what I really want is solitude. I don’t really want to be around people right now. I’m enjoying time to myself. I don’t have to talk about him, the separation, future career, money, my daughter or anything. I can be in my bubble. I know I can’t stay here for long but I’m trying to do something purely for myself each day. I want to get to know myself. I need to learn what makes me happy because I’ve forgotten. 

Just angry full stop.

I’ve been thinking lately whether this blog is a positive thing for me. I spend more time reading the blogs of all you guys than I do posting myself. I suppose I’m trying to feel less alone in this whole messy situation, to somehow make sense of it all. I’ve treated my blog like a ‘dear diary’ which I’ve found helps me purge emotionally. My therapist asked me a while back why I blog and I didn’t really have a answer for him. I suppose I could purge by writing in private and not posting. I’ve asked myself if it’s the advice I get through people’s comments. Obviously I read them but I also know that only I know my story, and my husbands to a certain extent. My husband doesn’t know I blog but I know he would say that rehashing it all and focusing on it isn’t moving forward. I’m thinking that the time will come when I feel less of a need to vent so for now I’m doing what I feel I need. 
As to life… I took a holiday with some girlfriends to Hawaii recently. 8 child free nights of bliss. I had a nice time. Just the right balance of sightseeing and lazing on the beach. My daughter was fine without me, the longest I’ve ever been away from her. My husband was fine looking after her or so I think as we aren’t talking much and are generally avoiding each other. He’s still here in our house. Nothing has changed. We avoid each other as much as possible. He comes home from work I go to another room. He’s made a few attempts at light conversation which I haven’t encouraged. 
Our other house is still not ready for sale or rental or for him to move into. He did say he’s waiting for a tiler, who knows. He hasn’t verbalised his plans yet. I’m avoiding getting into discussion with him about anything as I’m worried I’ll breach the avo. My anger just starts to boil over and I don’t trust myself not to threaten or harass him. Fuck most times I fantasise about knifing him and his Whore. I’m angry as I feel like he’s still fucking around with her and he’s shoving it in my face. Im angry because I think he thinks he’s entitled. I’m just angry full stop. 
Decided I’m not going back to the therapist I was seeing. I don’t think he can be of much help from here. I don’t think I blogged about my last session with him? I saw him a few weeks after my blow up and felt like I needed some strategies for self care, anger management and the like. Instead he said that he didn’t think I had a problem with anger??? Dude did you see my hubbys car after I was done with it!? He also focused on my financial situation in the future. He talked about how I’d have to move out of Sydney as I wouldn’t be able to afford it. I’d have to think about going somewhere that had a good university for my daughter and a town that was still big enough that if my husband decided to move also to be close to her we wouldn’t necessarily bump into each other often. 
I don’t think my head was ready for that discussion. It highlights the difference between what a man and a woman consider in a crisis. I know I have to think about all those realities but I feel for now I have to take baby steps to start looking after myself. I just started on a weight loss program which I’m excited about. Well, as excited as you can be when your going without wine. It’s a calorie controlled food delivery. It’s not forever, just to kick start me into action. It feels like a big step forward for me as I know I was avoiding committing to a healthy plan. I was enjoying using food and alcohol as a crutch. At least I was aware of it. I’ve got a long way to go but i know I can do it. Wish me luck! 

Anger

So I have some unresolved anger issues. I know I have to dissipate it or else it’s going to eat me alive. I have been conjuring up some pretty intense revenge scenarios but I know I can’t carry them out or I’ll end up in jail. Damn! 
My therapist tried to work with me on my anger 6 months ago but it didn’t gel with me. He suggested punching a bag that he had set up in his office. He said to imagine their faces on the bag and go for gold but I felt self conscious maybe. I couldn’t picture myself doing that. His other suggestion was to write down lots of descriptive bad words about them on a big piece of paper. I did that but didn’t feel any better.
When I bashed his car in (not my finest moment I know) I felt such a release while I was swinging at it. It felt like a bubble had popped inside of me. Not sure how else to explain it. I feel like if I could experience that release about 100 times over I would feel a bit better. 
Does anyone have any suggestions? Have any of you had anger issues and worked through them successfully? Any experiences welcome xx

That’s the difference

It’s late and sleep will not come. I lay in bed next to my daughter with so many intrusive thoughts in my head. He’s next door asleep in the other room but yet I can still sense his poison. It’s thick in the air. He can’t even look at me, mostly he chooses not to unless absolutely necessary. I do the same. One word answers is all he gets from me. I don’t deserve this poison. 

I don’t know how it came to be so instilled in him, like an infection that won’t go. A stranger walks in my house and he feels like the enemy. I didn’t want to see it before, I still don’t. It’s there though, it thickens the very air I breathe, makes me walk on eggshells, makes me doubt my own sanity. It makes me question everything I thought I knew about myself. It makes me question the purity of my soul, makes me wonder if I have caught it this poison of his. I feel my heart has become so dark. I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t want to become this person who thinks such dark thoughts towards someone. I can’t let him do that. I’m a good person and thats the difference between him and me. 

Long days

The ring was back on his finger this morning. Whatever that means I don’t know. It’s amazing to me that he wanted to get married so bad in the first place when it obviously means nothing to him. He came home after work last night and I went into a different room. He is quiet and I have withdrawn. Things are shit.

I hope this doesn’t continue for too long. I do think it will be for at least another month or so.

I heard him talking to our daughter about them going away at Easter to be with the extended family. He’s not taking her. He can go by himself and get a taste of the single life he’s longed for. Asshole.

Amor meus vita mae

‘Amor meus vita Mae’is the inscription my husband and I both have on our wedding rings which is Latin for ‘all my love, all my life.’

I found his wedding ring on the bedside drawer this morning and I felt a knife twist in my heart. I don’t know whether he took it off and left it purposefully or not but I found myself sitting holding his ring and thinking about the vows we took and the meaning behind our rings. 

I find myself mourning for the person I thought had my back. I mourn for the future I thought I had with him, I mourn for trusting somebody so much. I mourn that I gave my all to him, 22 years of my life, more than half of my life. I know I will survive without him, I know I will rise but it doesn’t take away the pain. It doesn’t stop me from feeling as though every fond memory is now tainted with pain and regret.