Staying true to me

Had an individual therapy session today. We spoke about how my husband and I are talking more at home about each other’s day as was suggested but we aren’t committing to our homework which is 5 mins each of open discussion time of how we are each feeling. 5 mins with no interruption. These discussions tend to end up heated and turn into 2 hour emotional confrontations. It’s exhausting. I feel as though he doesn’t want to stay stuck on what I suppose I’m on, that being his affair. I’ve shyed away from the confrontation and we were trying to work out why I tend to do that. Therapist thinks it has to do with the situation with mum growing up. Most probably is.
The conclusion from today’s session was I need to be true to myself and discuss what’s important to me regardless of whether he agrees or not. So thats what I did tonight.
I spoke to my husband about how the week has been tough for me as my due date would of been Mother’s Day this Sunday. I only realised when I looked in my phones calendar and saw the predicted due date that I had put in. I told him that it’s important to me moving forward for me to feel that he is empathetic. I explained that I know we can’t change the past but moving forward he can try to support me.
 We got stuck on the point he then made that his lack of support wasn’t isolated to the pregnancy, he said he hadn’t been involved or supportive of us before then. I agree we were drifting apart but we were still married and planning on adding to our family. It’s true what he admits which is he was a coward in that he couldn’t confront his feelings or take action one way or another. It was easier to blame me for it all and look elsewhere for fulfilment.
 I truly don’t know if we can reconnect, forgive each other and move forward. There so much hurt between us, so much so that there are things we’ve both said and done that we don’t even remember. The pain from these events are real though. 
He spoke about how having resilience is important and how he doesn’t know how to help me move forward. I said I feel like I’ve had monumental resilience. He thinks that I’m torturing myself over things. He says i need to busy my mind with other things. He also thinks we need to find a different therapist with a more pragmatic approach. See, we really do speak different languages! Part of the issue with the therapist is that he is almost a 2 hour drive away and he has to take half a day off work every fortnight. I understand that it’s hard and agree also that the travel is becoming more taxing but I like his non-pragmatic approach. 

So that’s where we are at. No wonder I drink huh…

So sad

I’m out on a girls night tonight. Friends that we have been friends with for 15 years or so. I keep thinking that my friends husbands wouldn’t never do this to their partners. Beautiful dinner and drinks but so many triggers tonight. I’m ordering grey goose vodka from the bar, a drink I know they always ordered. I feel so sad. I still can’t believe he’s done this to me. Feeling devasted. I don’t think can do this. I know this sounds melodramatic but hell when did this become my life 

Trying to get past it all

Things I keep thinking about and am struggling to come to terms with;
– he said that he wished I had someone like the whore to talk to

– they both acted like I was ridiculous because I was still taking my prenatal vitamins over Xmas. 

– he told her he doesn’t even pretend to care about me anymore

– he messaged her minutes after I was wheeled in to have my termination

– he left me in the hospital for my mum to collect to go see her

– they said that they’d both never had sex like they had together

– he bought her lingerie for Xmas

– they talked about the same sexual acts that we shared

– he complimented her on how talented she was at blow jobs

– he was planning a holiday with her over Xmas 

– he later said he hadn’t thought about how he was going to explain that to our daughter
I want these thoughts to go away but the reality is they are etched in my mind forever. Time will tell whether I can get past all this. 

Far away from myself

Haven’t had the inclination to write lately and I find when I do it’s hard to put to paper the thoughts running around in my head.
We had a counselling session last week and sorted some things out. I don’t believe my husband has an ulterior motive now. I don’t think he’s still seeing the whore. Things are a little clearer in that I see his point of view a bit more now. He’s concerned with my peace of mind and wants me to work so that I’m more involved in life I suppose. I certainly have made my life smaller in recent times. I’ve withdrawn into myself a bit in that I can hardly recognise the person I was. I was driven, happy, busy, giving, fit, healthy and I don’t feel any of these things anymore and I’m not sure how to get them back. 

I just want to wake up and be excited about something. I want to feel light and free. I don’t want to use food anymore to fill the holes in me. I don’t want to drink almost every night till I feel comfortably numb. 

I want my husband back in my bed. My heart bleeds a little more each time he’s not there. He says he doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping in our bed because he feels there’s a divide between us. I can’t understand that and I feel a sense of rejection each night he stays on the lounge. I don’t know how long I can carry on this way. I’ve told myself I’m cutting down on drinking. Weekends only for a while. It’s really not helping me any but part of me doesn’t want to be present for the pain of this.
I want to be present for my life. I want clarity. I want peace and I want to forgive myself and him. I want to feel worthy. I don’t want to feel worthless anymore. I want to love myself, I need to so I can climb out of this hole. I feel so far away from myself. 

Don’t take me for a fool

I’m so drained. I found on my husbands phone messages between him and the whore. He had changed her name in his phone so that I wouldn’t see it. I’m not happy. He offered up his phone to me so I could look at the messages and at a glance i couldn’t see anything incriminating. It’s hardly the point though. 
I feel like he’s taking me for a fool and I don’t take well to that. I’m so angry both at him and at her. How dare they continue communicating in any way. He says they dont discuss their relationship, mainly work related topics. I’m having the worst/ best fantasies about what I could do to them to get pay back. It’s consuming me. He says they aren’t seeing each other apart from at work but I want her out of there. I want to ruin her and him if he keeps taking me for a fool. 
My husband said he doesn’t want to do this anymore. I’m hardly enjoying it either especially when we’ve taken a big step back when i find that he’s still lying. Would he be getting off on the deceit? Who is this person I married. He doesn’t seem to be making the effort required to help make this work. He’s really stressed about renovating our old house and paying two mortgages at present. I’m reluctant to keep confronting him about our situation. How long does he intend to sleep on the lounge? If he wants out he should just go. I’m almost at the end of my tolerance for his behaviour towards me. He says he loves his family but yet he treats me like the enemy all the while denying that this is the case. I’m at a loss. 

Can’t shake this feeling

My husband really wants me to start working again as he wants me to contribute to the household and he thinks that it will be good to help me take my mind off everything. We are also currently paying two montages so the extra money would be helpful. The fact remains though that he dived into the purchase of this house knowing full well the effects on us financially. He also knew that I haven’t been working and am struggling. 
He’s never been supportive of what I do for a living these past 6 years or so. I’m in the fitness industry which has been predominantly part time work which doesn’t bring in a lot of money but has worked fairly well while my daughter was little. 
During ivf this past year I found I lost a lot of my confidence in my job. I put on weight, lost my motivation and found it hard to motivate clients and my classes. I havent worked since November last year. With everything that has been happening I find myself feeling stretched day to day as it is. The emotional turmoil of the pregnancy loss and my husbands betrayal along with moving house has left me feeling fairly exhausted. I’m asking myself if it would be a good idea for me to throw myself into a job. I don’t think I want to stay in fitness as I want something business hours so I still get to spend lots of time with my daughter. I’m thinking about going back into interior design which is what I did before I had a career change. I feel anxious though thinking about it. My confidence in all areas has taken a dive of late. 
I know I can’t wallow forever and at some point I have to look forward and not back. It’s just so damn hard at the moment. 
I keep asking myself if I’m dragging the chain and burdening him with the financial stress. I dont want to do that but I can’t seem to shake myself free of these heavy feelings. 

Getting nowhere fast

We’ve moved into our new house. It should feel good as its something we’ve wanted to do for so long now. More space, newer more modern home has been much wanted but now I’m here it means nothing. It’s tarnished by the state of my our marriage. My husband asked our therapist if it would be best if he not move in in order to give me some space. He advised against that as its not really working on the relationship. 
I can’t help feeling like he has one foot out of the door already. He’s getting around miserable and our daughter keeps asking him why he’s so sad. I’m so confused about everything. I can’t talk to him he’s like a bear in a cave. We are getting nowhere fast. I just feel so sad too. I cried myself to sleep last night. My husband has been sleeping in with my daughter to try and get her to sleep in her own bed. Yes, she’s 5 and she still sleeps with us. He didn’t try and sneak out and come in bed with me and I just felt so lost and alone. I really needed a hug or some thing, some sign that he still cares about us but im not so sure anymore. These feelings are awful. I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone.