Long days

The ring was back on his finger this morning. Whatever that means I don’t know. It’s amazing to me that he wanted to get married so bad in the first place when it obviously means nothing to him. He came home after work last night and I went into a different room. He is quiet and I have withdrawn. Things are shit.

I hope this doesn’t continue for too long. I do think it will be for at least another month or so.

I heard him talking to our daughter about them going away at Easter to be with the extended family. He’s not taking her. He can go by himself and get a taste of the single life he’s longed for. Asshole.

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Amor meus vita mae

‘Amor meus vita Mae’is the inscription my husband and I both have on our wedding rings which is Latin for ‘all my love, all my life.’

I found his wedding ring on the bedside drawer this morning and I felt a knife twist in my heart. I don’t know whether he took it off and left it purposefully or not but I found myself sitting holding his ring and thinking about the vows we took and the meaning behind our rings. 

I find myself mourning for the person I thought had my back. I mourn for the future I thought I had with him, I mourn for trusting somebody so much. I mourn that I gave my all to him, 22 years of my life, more than half of my life. I know I will survive without him, I know I will rise but it doesn’t take away the pain. It doesn’t stop me from feeling as though every fond memory is now tainted with pain and regret. 

Not on my side

I have this horrible sense of dread in the pit of my stomach that won’t let up. It’s been 10 days of hell with so many emotions. I’m seeing a solicitor tomorrow and I’m feeling very out of my comfort zone. I don’t know what to expect, with anything right now. 

I feel like shaking myself and screaming to myself to hate him, forget him, shut off my feelings towards him but I can’t. He is a part of me and has been for so long. I don’t think I can do this. I can’t even picture life without him here. I know how weak this sounds, I know. I felt how weak I am when we went to court last week and I was asked what action I wanted to take. Instinctively I turned to him for assistance but what smacked me in the face was that he wasn’t on my side anymore. The person I knew and loved and who I thought loved me wasn’t standing there in front of me. That was so hard. All of this is so hard. 

Struggling 

I’m not sure where to start. Along with our marriage troubles we have been having financial trouble. We still haven’t rented or sold our previous property and I think the Xmas period put us in a bit of strife. My husband went to transfer funds from the redraw home loan to pay our credit card and found the change to the authority i put in place 12 months ago after finding out his infidelity. We have to both authorise redraw now. He straight away thought that I had recently changed the authorisation and wasn’t happy. Instead of talking to me about it he spoke to the bank and the bank messaged me to call them. I didn’t know what it was about and took a day or so to contact them and give authority and then it was too late to be of any use to our mounting credit card debt and the interest it is accruing. 
He has been getting around the past two months as though he hates me. I made excuses for him cause that’s what i do to someone that i love and seek love from. I can’t reason with him. I tried to have the bank revert the authority back to how it was but he has to go in and have a witness see him sign. He says it’s my mess and he shouldn’t have to fix it. Things have been tense.
So fast forward to a few days ago and I asked him a simple question, about what I can’t recall, and he turned to me and said ‘what?’. I replied I’m asking you a simple question why can’t you answer in a respectful manner. I saw such pent up resentment in his eyes and something in me just flipped and I said if you can’t be respectful then you have to leave. It escalated from there me continuing to ask him to leave and him refusing. I asked to see his phone because I still suspect he’s being unfaithful and I’ve told him before that he can’t be in the house if that’s the case. He stated that he would never hand over his phone to me. He was about to go to work and he went to his study and collected a book to take. I asked him what he was taking and he showed me a book about talking to your children about seperation. I lost it and threw the book outside and told him not to come back. I told him I wished he were dead. I said horrible things. I didn’t think he would come home that night or at least not till late.
He walked back in the door that night and I asked him what he was doing here. He said he lives here. I lost it again. It felt like 12 months worth of stress could no longer be contained anymore. I tried everything to get home to leave. He wouldn’t. I was getting more and more upset and angry. Our daughter was there. I deeply regret that any of this went on in front of her. She was crying because I was. I was screaming. I rang his whore and left abusive messages on her voicemail. I rang his mum and told her he wasn’t welcome here anymore. I just needed him out of my sight. He started saying he wouldn’t leave our daughter with me in the state I was in and I argued that my state was all caused by him. If he would just leave I would be alright. He kept refusing and I threatened to smash his car up if he didn’t go. I grabbed something, went out the front and smashed a window and a few side panels on his car. Am I proud? Not at all. Do i regret our daughter witnessing this? Most definitely. I am ashamed. 
I felt calmer after that. A neighbour called the police and the police came to our door to see what was happening. I admitted what I done. Hubby didn’t make a statement but police said legally they had to serve me with an AVO (apprehended domestic violence order). It’s to protect hubby from me. 
I had to go to court today and decide how I wanted to proceed. I ended up consenting without admitting guilt which pretty much means that I now have an avo in place against me for 12 months where I can’t harass, threaten, damage his property etc. the judge said its not a criminal offence and it shouldn’t be hard to follow as its expected behaviour that most people have. I’m worried that with our situation it will be easily breached. All I have to do is call him a dickhead in someone else’s presence and he can contact police and prove I have breached the AVO. A breach equals $5500 and/or 2 years jail. 
I feel like I have to document this all here as there is so much going through my head I fear that I will lose track of where everything is at. I feel even more powerless than I did previously. This all feels like a nightmare from which I can’t wake up from. My little girl. I’m so so sorry for everything. I’m sorry your mumma couldn’t be stronger for you and not let you see what happened. I’m so sorry my love. You are my everything. 

An empty house 

I’ve come home to an empty house tonight. I left our annual holiday a day earlier than hubby and daughter as I have to work a day earlier. So many emotions are welling up. I feel so lost. I feel like I’ve been living in some sort of illusion where I thought I half knew who I was or what I knew but right now I don’t know much. That might sound melodramatic but this blog is an outlet for my most pent up emotions. 
I don’t know my husband. We were away with friends on a mini beach holiday and I wonder if they noticed our behaviour. He was aloof and distant and I was quiet. The other dads were present and engaged with their kids, jumping in the waves but he was in his own head. I can almost see his thoughts, almost although he thinks he shouldn’t be here, like it’s all too tiring for him, like being near me is such a chore. I don’t doubt his love for our daughter at all but I don’t think he really knows how to just be. Just to be there without having to really do anything. 

Our daughter was excited to play with her friends but also I noticed she was reactive to the vibe between us. I can see she senses his annoyance towards me and his lack of patience and I can see her questioning in her own little way his behaviour. 
I feel like I am swinging between hating him with a vengeance and wanting to throw myself in his arms for that embrace I want so much from him but he’s not there. I don’t know if love resides in him now at all or whether it’s just not there for me. It’s easier to think the former. I keep thinking that I’ve done something really wrong for him to be like this to me. I feel undesirable, disregarded, like he loathes me and honestly I don’t think these feelings are far from his reality. I said to him recently that I feel his resentment towards me and it feels like his attitude towards me is so ingrained in him that he seems to slip back into it especially the past few months. He doesn’t really seem to have an explanation for that. 

Bless good friends 

I spent a night at a girlfriends last week. I haven’t seen her for 6 months as she’s been overseas. She had some truths to tell me. She told that she sees a massive change in me since she saw me last. She feels I’ve given up and I need to take my power back. She said she feels so sad that I’m in so much pain. So sad that she cried telling me. It was pretty confronting. She said she misses the happy me. She thinks I need to make a decision because she sees this is destroying me. I know she’s right. She told me she thinks he doesn’t want to be there and I have to let it be. As hard as she knows that will be for me I need to do it. She says she wants me to make sure I’m not in this limbo land this time next year. She begged me to look after me. She said I need to do one thing each day, no matter how small to look after me. I don’t know where to start with this but I’m going to try. I’ve taken myself to the beach today by myself am am enjoying some me time. 
Gob bless good friends that see the real you. 

Zoloft – good or evil

Antidepressants are strange things. I’ve been taking 100mg of Zoloft for just over 12 months now. I thought I should try and describe my experience with it here and see if anyone wants to share theirs also. 

Most of you know my story. My struggles over the past 12 months have felt huge. I struggled prior to this period too though. Since having my daughter 6 years ago I’ve experienced a mild depression. I saw a therapist post my first miscarriage when my daughter was two. I was suffering anxiety as well, something I hadn’t experienced before. I knew I needed medication then and recall asking my therapist then if I should start some. She recommended a wait and see approach. Looking back I should of insisted on them. I was suffering more than I should of been.
I also saw a therapist prior to that for grief counselling after my nan who I was close to passed away. I took a mild dose of antidepressants then for 6 months or so and found they helped. I don’t seem to handle loss very well.
Going through fertility treatments really took its toll. I can see now with clarity that I should of sought therapy and medication earlier. My anxiety was through the roof, especially regarding my daughter. I recall thinking that it was the last time I’d see her whenever I left the house. I remember being in tears when my girlfriend took longer then I expected with driving her to the shops and back. The anxiety was getting the better of me. It started to affect work. Id get myself into a state before work and id often phone in sick last minute. I felt like everyone’s judging eyes were on me. I was convinced people could see straight through the facade I put up that everything was ok. For some reason that terrified me. I ruminated over everything. Every contact I had with someone I dissected always seeing myself in a bad light. If someone didn’t reply to a message I built up the worse situation in my head. My paranoia grew. I thought I was a burden to my friends, I felt like a failure, like people were looking at me with a ‘poor girl’ look in their eyes. It was a pretty awful time in my life. 
Now my anxiety is under control. I don’t ruminate or dissect anything like I did. Work is OK although I changed jobs to avoid having to face familiar faces too much. I don’t expect the worst of everything anymore. I don’t worry over my daughter so much now. Day to day living is easier, smoother and without the anxious feeling of dread all the time. 
I struggle to articulate exactly how I feel now. I feel halfway between low and high. I feel a dull kind of flatline that is neither happy or sad. I don’t wake up in the morning excited to start the day, I wake up and I do what has to be done. Some days I feel overwhelmed, like I can’t focus on any one thing, like my mind is on overdrive with too many tabs open at once. The only thing I can do then is go have a nap and forget about any productivity to the day. I find I can’t get motivated about anything. I have been a motivated person in the past but am no longer. I look down at my body and know I have to do something to lose the 20kgs I’ve out on but I can’t seem to muster the motivation. I eat without thinking. I’m drinking a little too much wine and I tell myself that it’s getting me through. I go through the motions at work but I’m just there to tick that box. I can’t seem to even muster considering what it is I would rather do for work. I question my ability often. Ok more often than not. 
This is where I am right now. Hopefully it’s not where I will always be