I’m so drained. I found on my husbands phone messages between him and the whore. He had changed her name in his phone so that I wouldn’t see it. I’m not happy. He offered up his phone to me so I could look at the messages and at a glance i couldn’t see anything incriminating. It’s hardly the point though.
I feel like he’s taking me for a fool and I don’t take well to that. I’m so angry both at him and at her. How dare they continue communicating in any way. He says they dont discuss their relationship, mainly work related topics. I’m having the worst/ best fantasies about what I could do to them to get pay back. It’s consuming me. He says they aren’t seeing each other apart from at work but I want her out of there. I want to ruin her and him if he keeps taking me for a fool.
My husband said he doesn’t want to do this anymore. I’m hardly enjoying it either especially when we’ve taken a big step back when i find that he’s still lying. Would he be getting off on the deceit? Who is this person I married. He doesn’t seem to be making the effort required to help make this work. He’s really stressed about renovating our old house and paying two mortgages at present. I’m reluctant to keep confronting him about our situation. How long does he intend to sleep on the lounge? If he wants out he should just go. I’m almost at the end of my tolerance for his behaviour towards me. He says he loves his family but yet he treats me like the enemy all the while denying that this is the case. I’m at a loss.
termination
Feeling low
So over the weekend my sister in laws announces that her and her husband are travelling to Greece to do ivf with a donor egg. Whilst I’m happy for them it also made me a bit sad. I realised the contrast between her husband and mine. He is super supportive of her even going so far to organise business class flights from Sydney to Greece to ensure she’s relaxed. He’s excited about it all but is worried about what happens if it doesn’t work. I guess it just bought to light the contrasts between our situation and there’s. I pretty much endured all the ivf process alone without much support from my husband.
My husband offered up all of our baby gear to them but my heart was screeching to a halt telling me that I can’t go there yet. I’ve only just lost a baby and I’m not ready to part with the baby stuff yet. Does that make me a selfish person? I just can’t.
They both know that we did ivf but I found that I couldn’t even talk about it. His family don’t know that we were pregnant and lost it. I couldn’t even go there. I feel so alone and cut off from everybody. Not only am I keeping what feels like this dark secret of my termination I’m also having to shelf my feelings over my husbands infidelity.
Another mum from my daughters school has befriended me and she started telling me a bit about her life. She started talking about how she’s trying to have a baby but is finding it hard. She spoke about terminating a pregnancy a year ago as she was having an affair on her husband with her ex. She fell pregnant to him and decided to terminate as she was confused. She’s worried now that she can’t seem to fall pregnant. As much as confessing to my experience to her would of felt good the words just wouldn’t come out. Why do I continue to feel such shame whilst others can share their experiences and gain support. I just feel so confused and alone.
I’m feeling low today. I would of been 30 weeks pregnant. How life has changed in such a short amount of time.
It’s taboo this loss
This was posted anonymously on my behalf today on Instagram on a page I follow ‘ihadamiscarriage’
It’s taboo this loss, and much like my miscarriage, I grieve alone.
Four agonising rounds of IVF it took. Secondary infertility. Our chances were slim but still I believed in you.
I handed daddy a positive pregnancy test. Father’s Day. He was quiet. I thought I saw tears swell. I can’t be sure.
The 6 week scan when I held my breathe till I saw your flickering heart. Hope grew.
Your big sisters face when asked whether she wanted a brother or a sister. There was no question. She wanted you, the way she jumped that day from her chair to mine saying with excited eyes ‘mummy I told you there was a baby sister in there.’
The day that I found out you had Down syndrome, my 41st birthday. The heartache of carrying you after making the gut wrenching choice that we couldn’t keep you. How I took my prenatal vitamins to the very day they took you from my body, hoping for a miracle.
The 30 seconds before the anaesthetic hit when I told you I was sorry over and over. The utter emptiness I felt after. The way the light in my eyes have dimmed somewhat.
I rang the hospital the next day asking for your remains but you were just ‘a product of conception’ or so they said.
The pregnancy symptoms that continued for a week after you were gone. How your sister keeps asking when your coming.
Learning your daddy and my partner of 22 years was cheating throughout your 13 week gestation. Finding out he left me in hospital on the very day I lost you to go to her. He didn’t have an urgent work meeting. I lost faith in humanity in that moment.
What do I do with all this? I don’t know. It’s taboo this loss.
Relief
Life feels a little upended which I suppose is to be expected. It feels strange not be charting my period and be consumed by all things fertility. I couldn’t even tell you when my period is due that’s how much my focus has changed. I feel like I’ve come out of one fog and into another.
Part of me feels relief if I’m honest. Ivf was so all consuming and I willingly had my life on hold in many areas. It’s not that I want a second child any less and I know the yearning is still there, I just feel like a weight has been lifted. A few short weeks ago I was all set to go ahead with embryo banking by doing 3-4 rounds of ivf. As much as I wanted a positive outcome I was dreading what I knew the next few months would bring.
I don’t know that my heart has come to terms with this really being the end of my chances for another child. I know that I wish that my last pregnancy didn’t end the way it did and a big part of me regrets that that will forever be the one that almost was. It’s a horrible way to go out.
I’m also dreading having to cull and pack all my baby gear before we move. I keep putting it off. I think I’m going to take it all with me and then sift through it when my heart is ready.
One thing at a time.
Blessed
Sometimes there are moments in this life that remind us of what’s important. This morning I went to my daughters school a a volunteer to help with gross motor which is like sports for little kids with an emphasis on hand and eye coordination.
My daughter was so excited that I was coming to her school. They were all so cute. At the end the teachers told the kids to say thank you to us patent helpers. She came up to me and gave me the biggest hug and said thank you mummy!
She is what I am blessed with. If nothing else good is to come out of my husbands and I twenty one year union, I know with certainty that I am beyond blessed with her.
31 days
It’s been 31 days since I read about my husbands double life. 31 days since my heart split open and everything became tainted. 31 days that have been a mix of so many emotions that I don’t even know where to begin to describe them. 31 days trying to figure out how the person I’ve loved for 21 years could of betrayed me the way he has.
I hate that I’m now the person that suspects wrong in his every doing. I was never that way. I always gave him enough rope always thinking that if temptation knocked he’d remember his vows to me. I believed that no matter how our communication broke down that if he slipped up he would be remorseful and not repeat it. That I could live with. I was such a fool. Maybe I’m still being a fool in letting him stay here in our house , by agreeing to counselling to become amicable. I have so much anger now. I need to find a way to get it out, I feel it festering. It feels toxic and foreign.
I sent her a message. I found her on Facebook. I want her to feel an ounce of the pain I’m feeling. I know it takes two to tango. They are both to blame but it’s easier for me to focus this anger towards her then to the man I love. I want her to lay awake at night thinking of the consequences of what she’s done. I told her that I have written proof of the affair. I told her that I hope she’s sleeping well at night. She knows I can tell her husband all about it, tell her boss and get her fired but in doing so it gets my husband fired so that’s no good. I know it’s juvenille and gets me nowhere really but for now I get satisfaction imagining her squirm.
My husband asked me why I messaged her and I explained the above. He said I should speak to my therapist about it. I discovered that he’s been in my phone and deleted my pics of their messages to each other. I was so angry and hence my message to the whore. I thought it might of been her keen to get rid of any evidence but he says he deleted them for my benefit. He doesn’t think me looking at them everyday is conducive to us moving forward. I told him I don’t need messages to remember. The shit I read is ingrained in me now forever. He doesn’t get it.
So that’s where we are at. He wants me to tell therapist that we need a couples session ASAP. I explained how therapist wants a few more sessions with me regarding mum before we do couple stuff as he thinks it’s my husbands main issue with our marriage and he disagreed.
Everything is all over the place. Im busy packing in prep for moving house in 4 weeks. We discussed buying a house as an upgrade for my daughter and I. If we split I fare better in that we have a bigger asset to share. It’s hard as we dont know what the next few weeks will bring.
I’m getting by day by day trying not to project my thoughts too far in the future for now. It’s all I can handle right now.
She didn’t love me…
I had a rather confronting individual session with our marriage counsellor today. The plan is to build me up and give me some emotional independence from my mum mainly. We discovered she is a major issue in our marriage so the plan is for me to work on distancing myself emotionally from her. Then we can work on our marriage. I won’t lie I’m very anxious about leaving my marriage hanging by a thread while I work in this. We are in a bad place but I know I need to do this.
We looked at our relationship while i was young and I’ve described it as her being needy of me. I said I felt sorry for her. Sorry that she was so infullfilled. I tried to pull away from her but she always got more needy and ended up suffocating me and still does. We have a reversed relationship in that I feel like the patent. Counsellor said to imagine that she is a needy child starving for love and I will start to understand her and her actions more.
I explained that she has mostly been caring and kind towards me and others but have discovered that it’s just her selfishness packaged as caring and kindness. Her acts of kindness were always a way of manipulation. Nothing was done or given out of love it was all to guarantee her wellbeing and in an effort to be loved.
She also always put a barrier between my dad and I which I always thought was for her to have the upper hand. My brother and I were almost like possessions to her. Her playing cards to hurt our dad but turns out she saw me as competition for my dads affection. She so desperately needed that affection and wasn’t going to let him give it to me. I hadn’t thought of it like that before and I’m still getting my head around that.
My homework is to prove my counsellor wrong and find things actions from the past that might prove that she does love me. When I see him next week im to talk about that and also discreetly ask my mum more about her childhood.
I don’t know why but I didnt cry during this session. Denial on my part? Maybe. I kept coming up with excuses for her when asked whether I thought she loved me. What you live with becomes the norm so I suppose this revelation is new to me.
So what now? Try to process all of this. Blog it all out to help analyse it and go from there. Day by day is all all I can focus on for now.
What sort of woman?
Been thinking about her a lot the past week or so. I can’t really describe the feelings I have towards her. Part of me wants to meet her, talk with her and find out what sort of woman she is but part of me already knows. A lowlife that’s what she is. What sort of woman could do what she has? I honestly could not imagine if I was in her shoes and knew of my recent struggles that I could of done what she has. She knew everything about me and my relationship with my husband. She knew of our IVF attempts, my depression, counselling sessions and that I was taking Zoloft. She knew that I was having a termination the day she left work to meet up with him and spend the day at the beach together. I want to ask her what that felt like. How did her heart feel? How did she sleep that night? Did any part of her being relate at all or was there no empathy between her and I? She’s a mother surely she would of had an inkling of what I would of been going through. I of course have similar questions to my husband. He’s by no means let off the hook but I am letting myself be consumed by her right now.
Do I feel jealousy? It’s not the overriding feeling right now but I’m sure that will come. I feel disgust mainly. I just keeping asking myself how? How? How is the exact question I asked my husband when I confronted him but he had no answer. He kept saying that there was nothing he could say to make it better and that it had felt horrible.
It’s that day. That day November 4th, the worst day of my life that I can’t get over. The day I said goodbye to life inside of me. Everytime i think of this betrayal on that day it feels like someone has reached in and ripped my heart out of my chest. I didn’t think that the day could hold any more pain for me but here I am.
I will survive this. Somehow I will come out the other end stronger, wiser and happier. I can’t let this destroy my belief that there is good in people. I don’t want this to destroy my trust in love and kindness. After I had confronted him I wrote something in my phone notes. It was an overwhelming feeling that I had to note down. I keep referring back to it when I’m finding it tough.
Here’s my note below. It reminds me that it’s no good me reacting with fear and hate. I will remain the better person through this.
Remember;
Love trumps all. Fill your heart with love and all will be ok. More love, less fear.
The love of his life?
Have hit a real low point today. It’s my daughters 5th birthday today, we bought a house on the weekend and I’ve come down with a virus. I also got a horrible period reminding me that I would of been beginning IVF medications. I don’t know what I’m doing, how I should be feeling or what I should be planning for.
We’ve been looking to buy a house for a while now. We spoke, since finding out my husbands infidelity about upgrading our house to something we could afford to maintain if my husband was to leave which looks likely. Something that I was looking forward to so much has been tainted in the most horrible way. I’m so confused. He’s agreed to marriage counselling but I can’t help wonder if he’s just biding his time. I can’t cope with this anymore. I feel so sad. How can someone who was coupled with me just last year to have another baby all of a sudden decide that none of this is for him. He just wants to up and leave his wife and child. We haven’t been able to communicate effectively for a while now. Since having our daughter 5 years ago thing have been strained with us. We both don’t know if it’s too late to save it. He says that the affair was a symptom of our relationship breakdown not the cause. I just can’t erase all the hurtful things I read in those messages. I don’t know what to do.
He says that both of them have broken off their affair saying that they both agreed that it was the worst thing either of them had done. No shit Sherlock that’s big of you. I wonder what the mood is like at work for them seeing that they work across the hall from each other. We haven’t really had anymore big talks since the night I confronted him. I dont think we are able to communicate effectively without a third party so I’m waiting till we go back to counselling to sort more stuff out.
We discussed, among other things in counselling , my mum and her influence on our relationship. My mum is bi-polar and had been since I was young. She’s very needy of me and our roles are reversed in that I feel like the mother in our relationship. Whilst she helps me out with our daughter a lot and adores her she is very draining of my energy and she in turn affects my husband and daughter. It’s not as easy as putting distance between us as I’ve tried that and I find her neediness gets worse as she panics that she is being abandoned.
So the counsellor suggested that I need to firstly emotionally remove myself from mum to give me emotional independence so that I can start working on our marriage. It feels like a lot that I have to do and not much that he has to, well at this stage anyway.
In the meantime I can’t help but feel that our fate is sealed. That our 22 year relationship is being thrown out like waste. I don’t know where I am to go from here. I feel like I’m losing a limb, a part of my soul. No matter what our troubles in my heart I always believed that love was at the centre of us. He told me that night that I’m the love of his life and that he’d spend the rest of his life making it up to me for what he’s done.
My heart breaks for her
My baby started kindergarten today. She went happily playing with her little friends. I didn’t shed a tear like I thought I would. Not till I walked back in the door at home.
The feeling was overwhelming and I can’t work out whether it’s the sadness accompanying my daughter starting on her adventure or the desolation I feel feeling like I’ve just lost my husband too. I’m so angry at him for that. Something that should be a happy occasion has become tainted by betrayal. I’m so lost.
He told me he was going to talk to me this week about separating but I found out his deceit beforehand. The idiot reasoned that now would be a good time to lay this on me. My only child is starting school, I’m still reeling from losing our baby, I’m struggling to keep this depression intact but feel that these meds aren’t working. I feel like my heart has shut up shop for good.
We are going to couples counselling tomorrow. Not necessarily for saving our marriage but in order to at least mend our relationship to the point that we can be amicable for the sake of our daughter. She is worth everything. My heart breaks for her. She loves her daddy so much and I feel that I owe it to her to at least try and fix it. I’m so lost.
Infertility nonsense 