Can’t see eye to eye

I almost feel a sense of saddened acceptance of late. My therapist thinks I’m not realising what the reality of life is if we split. He thinks im not at that place yet. He’s probably right but it just feels sad, void of hope. 
We are currently in habitation in the same house but it feels like we’ve both given up. Strange how time just seems to go by and we are no closer to anything resolved. He’s been working long hours and I’ve been busy adapting to working as well with everything that comes with running a household. Life’s busy. He doesn’t want to go back to our therapist as he doesn’t think we are getting anywhere with him. I said to him that you have to actually do the work for it to work. 
He is still not sleeping in our bed instead resorting to sleeping in our daughters bed with her. He doesn’t feel comfortable he says sleeping in with me. So where does that leave us then? If we aren’t working on moving forward then what are we doing? Truth be told I’ve buried my head in the sand to a certain extent. His attitude doesn’t exactly foster a willingness from my part to communicate. He says that my spending doesn’t give him a warm and fuzzy feeling either. So once again we came to a standstill. 
I said to him that I still feel his resentment towards me and that its ingrained in him and how I feel I don’t deserve it. I actually don’t recall what his response was which goes to show that my active listening skills I was learning in therapy haven’t cottoned on. I’m sure it was some stupid reasoning of his, it never makes sense to me and I always come away feeling that he’s saying one thing but actually meaning another. I think I’m just really tired of it all.
Most days I just feel as though I must of done something really wrong somewhere along the line. Not so long ago he loved me. He really loved me. Did I take that love for granted? I naively thought it would always be there. We’ve been together for 21 years, married for 7. Everything changed after we had our daughter. He became really critical and I became depressed. His resentment built and it’s still there. It was from what I could tell based on the fact that I stopped working. He says it was the fact that I stopped contributing in any way. I didn’t support him, I didn’t show consideration to him. He shut down when I needed him the most. I was struggling and he was thinking how he had it hard, working long hours to support us and I don’t deny he did. He did and still does work crazy long hours but we just can’t see eye to eye on this problem. Exhausting!!
Anyhow just needed to get these thoughts out of my head. These thoughts go around and around in my head and get so tiring so feels better to get them out on paper. 

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8 thoughts on “Can’t see eye to eye

  1. While I commend you for still trying I think your beating a dead horse and need to move on. This is has consumed the past year(?) of your life that’s way too much you can’t get time back you need to move forward. This will take strength greater than what you think you have but trust me you do. Do this for you and your daughter.

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  2. It sounds like you’re both very stuck. I don’t believe we stay stuck indefinitely though and I always believe that deep underneath movement is happening. One day one or both of you will wake up and say ‘i can’t do this anymore’… And you will be unstuck. What that change will bring is unknown, but something will shift. I hope for your sake this day is soon…being stuck like this is exhausting.

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  3. One of the things I realized from going through this, is that you have to live through this “stuck” period in order to reach the point where you are completely done with it from an emotional perspective. Done with the marriage or done being stuck and able to make the necessary change to salvage the marriage…. who knows which.

    My marriage also failed and my husband had an affair after having children. We were also together for many years prior to having children, yet we fell apart soon after having them. The one thing my counselor told me was that many times one or more parent will focus too much on the new child and forget to focus on the other spouse in the process. The relationship changes and if one or more of the spouses is unable to change with it, then it falls apart.

    In my case, my husband was used to being my sole focus in our relationship. Once our daughter was born, she became my sole focus and he felt abandoned. He never shared the same enthusiasm about having our daughter, that I did. He loved her, but he never realized what it meant to be a parent, and that becoming a parent would take some focus away from himself. We both failed, as I failed to give him the attention he was accustomed to receiving, and he failed to bond with our daughter and to focus some of his energy on her instead of on himself.

    When a child enters the picture, both parties need to make changes and certain sacrifices, but they should not lose sight in each other in doing so. I was told that the “couple” relationship still needs to be the most important relationship and that the couple still needs time to be a couple completely separate from that child. The child becomes a part of it, but the couple still needs to be the most important relationship. If one or more parent focuses too much on the child, it leaves the other spouse feeling left out and abandoned.

    My counselor said this is very common, because a Mom tends to only focus on being a mom after the child is born, but the Dad never has that same bond, so they start to feel abandoned and like they don’t matter any longer.

    I am in no way making excuses for his behavior, because he could have taken any other approach to rectify the situation rather than to have an affair, but this just tends to be where marriages fall apart, is where oth parents have not learned how to incorporate the child into their family without losing sight of the couple relationship.

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  4. “I said to him that you have to actually do the work for it to work.” That is usually what it comes down to. No one can do the work for us. Therapists offer us valuable tools and insights but they aren’t magicians.
    I believe that if you are doing the work to heal yourself, whether he is or not, you will soon become unstuck and have your answers. And when you become unstuck, it will force a change in your relationship one way or the other because you aren’t the same.
    Although seven months seems like an eternity of pain, it really isn’t that long. There is no need to make quick emotional decisions based on open wounds. Take your time to make decisions based on the healing and recovery you are doing. Then you can have confidence in your ability to trust yourself whatever your new reality brings. Knowing you will be okay wherever you end up.

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  5. I am so sorry you are going through so much. I literally cannot say anything except that we humans are so weak and also self centered. You tried so hard and are now feeling stuck whereas he became dishonest and literally stopped trying. Just like it shocked you, it shocks me too that despite having such a long term relationship he gave up on it so easily and doesnt even seem to be trying. Maybe he just really wants to end it. I dont know. But something is really wrong here. A relationship is built upon reliance, trust, comfort and respect. How did all of it go away so easily behind such petty issues ☹

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  6. You were right when you said you don’t deserve his resentment. It sounds like he is blaming you for his affair. ‘You stopped contributing.’ Is that his reasoning? Like you stopped contributing so you made him sleep with someone else. It’s bullshit. YOU did nothing wrong. If there were problems or disconnection in the relationship then he could have stepped up and tried to talk to you and do things to make you want to connect with him. Or he could have asked for therapy. Or he could have left. But he didn’t, he lied and cheated and now he is blaming you for it.

    It is not your fault.

    You don’t have to stay with him if he isn’t fulfilling your needs.

    I agree with the others that you might need this time to continue to heal before you find the complete courage and power within yourself to make a change.

    But that power is in you. Don’t let him convince you that you are at fault. You could have been the worst wife in the world and his cheating still would NOT have been your fault. He could have left.

    That strength is in you. Take care of yourself. Think about you. And he will either see the change in you and try and win back your love or you will realize that you don’t want anything more from him.

    Thank you for writing on your blog. All of us here support you and are rooting for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Maybe 20 years later, he is not the same person he was?

    From your description, he is indeed not making any effort to bridge the gap that there is.

    You are having a hard time giving up, while he already has. I want you to please please please speak to a lawyer in confidentiality. Things appear to be sliding down, and you need to be prepared well, atleast for the sake of your child.

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