Dirty secret

I haven’t told many people about my husbands infedility. Only three of my friends whom I know I can trust. No family know about it. Other really good trustworthy friends don’t know and I don’t know whether I’m doing the right thing by not sharing with them. I oddly feel a sense of protection over my hubby. I know he feels ashamed and I feel like I’m holding his dirty secret. One of my friends that knows all about us tells me that I should share the news with friends and family so that I can get the support I need. I keep thinking of another friend of mine that had her husband cheat and I could never quiet feel the same way about him again even when they reconciled. 
I feel guilty when my friends share with me their relationship issues. I feel a sense of disconnect. If I ever tell them how will they feel. Will they feel as though I didn’t trust them enough or didn’t think our friendship was worthy. Strange the things I think of sometimes.

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5 thoughts on “Dirty secret

  1. It is not necessary for everyone to know our “dirty laundry” and secrets. Either your’s or your husband’s. I understand that conflicting feeling of wanting to protect your husband but also screaming on the inside that it’s not fair to be keeping his behaviour secret. I live in a small town where talk could, and very likely would, cause irreparable harm to my husband’s reputation and career. And despite the pain he has caused me, he doesn’t deserve that. And neither do I. I do believe it is important for us to tell someone, and it is important to trust our instincts on who those safe people are. Our husband’s infidelity is not a burden for us to carry in silence and in shame. You have three people you have deemed trustworthy to share with. And you have. That could be enough. You are also sharing your pain here on wordpress with other women like me who “get” it. The support I have received from my recovery support group and here, is more beneficial to my healing than the support I could receive from family and friends that could never understand this betrayal and trauma. Most of them don’t need to know. There is no benefit to them, me or my husband with them having this knowledge. I am not walking my journey through this alone, just not with them. I think that is okay for now.

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  2. I haven’t talked to many IRL people either…the least to people who know us both.

    First, it would create a tsunami in our tight knit families. Second, once he is out, he won’t get the respect he gets now, and he and I both could not live with it. I will like to someday tell my mother…only if she is on the death bed, or I am sure of flying out of the door.

    See, you cannot unsay the things you have spoken. Be careful who you share with, and only drum up support when needed. Otherwise it would be just a lot of gossip and judging.

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  3. I think support is so important when going through life struggles. It is important to find your army of people who are simply there, the key is finding the ones who judge less and support more. I don’t think you are looking for someone to agree or disagree with your choices in this or for someone to give your their opinion on your situation. You are also not looking to have to explain your decisions, nor should you have to. Rather, it is a tough situation and you will have your good days and your bad days in in and you need your army there to support you though it all. Be honest with those people on how they can support you. Be kind to yourself.

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  4. I guess you could tell people that hubby broke your trust and now you are getting therapy, without going into the details. It would be nice for you to have more support. But yeah I can see how if you were to tell people too much they might turn against him and push you in a different direction which isn’t what you need right now as you are trying to figure things out.

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  5. I have found it is best not to share our dirty laundry with those closest to us, other than to the very few that we need to lean on for support. Opinions are formed that can never be changed, and in the end those opinions could cause more damage to your relationship. Sometimes people will distance themselves from you as a couple, and if there is hope of repairing the marriage, you also need that couple support. IF the time comes when you decide to exit the marriage, then share the reasons why, but until then, share only with those that you need to rely on for support. That is just my opinion, based on my experiences.

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