This stuff is exhausting! 

~ Infertility nonsense

Another individual therapy session had today. Hubby couldn’t make it as he had surgery this week and already had two days off work. He’d been back from overseas business trip for a week then the surgery so things have been busy.
He went to work the day after he returned from his trip and I snooped in his bag. I feel as though I have the right, correct me if I’m wrong. I found his Iwatch which was unlocked so I read some messages. 
There was one from his boss that was sent to my husband and the whore which said ‘to those overseas, just letting you know that Scott resigned today with no explanation. I’m not finding this HR role fun.’ HR is the whores position so obviously they were both overseas on this work trip even though when I asked him if she was going he said no. 
I phoned my husband at work straight and asked him to tell me the truth, was she there. I told him about finding the message. He responded that I was reading too much into it and she was in China while he was in Budapest and offered to bring me her itinerary. I was so angry I just hung up. 
I expected him to come home with itinerary in hand but a week has gone by and there has been no discussion. I thought he would approach me knowing I was upset but he didn’t. I finally confronted him asking why we hadn’t spoke of it and he said he thought I had calmed down and realised I was blowing it out of proportion. I said some pretty nasty things and went to bed.
He wrote me a note the next day which said how sorry he was and how sorry he feels that he hurt me. He said he wishes he could change what happened everyday. He said he loves me and wants me to stop finding reasons to be unhappy. 
My therapist says that I have to ask him again calmly for the itinerary. If he goes on a rant about it I’m to stick to my guns and say I need him to prove to me that he can be trusted. He said to tell him he’s got a week to produce or I’ll go to her to get it. 
This stuff is exhausting! 

16 thoughts on “This stuff is exhausting! ”

  1. “he thought I had calmed down and realised I was blowing it out of proportion.”

    He was actually *hoping* that you had calmed down.

    My question? Why should you calm down?

    When you initially enquired whether she would be going too, he could have just as well said that she was going, but her destination was different than his. That would have been transparent and fair.

    Also, I think the problem with these men is that you have to reinforce again and again that you are dead serious about the boundaries, and transparency that you are demanding. So do it. And your therapist is correct. Remind him about the itinerary.

    I continue to play cop, and you should not feel guilty about continuing to do so. Trust hasn’t paid us well, has it?

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      1. They are all oblivious. They being the betrayors. My husband, though we are doing really well, still seems oblivious to certain things. whether its to save face or because they truly ARE oblivious… i think its a case to case basis. In my husband’s case I can’t begin to believe he is just naturally that way. I think he puts on a show because he is still feeling very bad about what he did to me and to us, and doesn’t want to fully let himself feel all the emotions he has.
        That’s just my thoughts on it. Hell…. I could be wrong. So glad you’re in therapy, it’s been a serious blessing to me! Hope you feel the same! ❤

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  2. Omg I love your therapist! I am certain she was there! Why else would he be so apologetic?! If she wasn’t the injustice of being accused would be making him mad and he’d have no reason to apologise.

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  3. ‘Finding reasons to be unhappy’… I would have punched him! You’re not finding reasons… he gave you reasons and now you’re trying really hard to survive in an extremely difficult situation! And he’s going to have to be as transparent as possible until you no longer need it so I hope he brings you the itinerary soon.

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  4. My husband says similar things. He’s deleted text messages from a girl, not the AP, after I asked him not to delete any of her messages. When I have asked him recently about some of the stuff that went on during his affair, he says I am looking for things to be mad at him about.

    I agree with your therapist. Get that itinerary. And I agree with Ms. Elsewhere, he is lacking in his transparency and honesty. He could have said yes, she will be going out of the country, just with a different destination.

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    1. What’s with them hey. My husband says it’s doing me no good to keep talking about it and questioning everything but it feels like the only way forward to me.
      I’m learning to trust my instincts. It’s just hard when betrayal happens and you can’t be sure if your being over analytical due to loss of trust or your on the right track

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  5. All of this reminds me of a past relationship and it reminds me how emotionally exhausting it is to be with someone you don’t trust.

    I know you want to work on this so I wish you all the best. The one thing I would say based on my own experience is that it is infinitely better to be with someone you trust, and that only happens once until / if they break it. My whole being is so much happier now because I don’t have the emotional exhaustion of always wondering if something underhand is going on.

    Be kind to yourself. This is not your fault – it’s his. If he’s truly sorry and wants to work through it then he has to do everything in his power to help you learn to trust him again. You do NOT have to give him the benefit of the doubt. He should be bending over backwards to make things right. If not, I hate to say this because separations are hard – but you need to find someone who deserves your trust.

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  6. You are going through the exact same cycle I went through. Holding on at first, then eventual realization that he isn’t doing his part to make you feel secure in the relationship. Either he will have to change something to make you feel secure and to win your trust, or eventually you will gain your strength and move on, like I did. But you have to handle each phase of this scenario however feels right to you! You will know when it is time to throw in the towel… or not, and it is best NOT to do anything until you feel confident in that choice…. you will know when it’s right.

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  9. A couple of disclaimers up front:
    1) I am a man
    2) I cheated on my girlfriend who later
    became my wife
    3) I was in my 20’s when this happened

    First, I want to address why I cheated. Foremost, she and I had an electric attraction. She had a model’s figure, was very attractive, very intelligent, and from an upstanding blue-blood family. I was out of my league, flattered by the attention, and wondering if the relationship with my GF was going too fast (I was scared of next steps). So I took a chance to see what was there between us.

    The interloper could have been my wife, and I think I would have been happy.

    Then GF found out and I saw the destruction I caused. At which point I realized, literally, for the first time in my short, ego-centric, narcissistic life, that I loved and cared for my GF more than I did myself. And this was new for me.

    And I broke her. And that hurt me, though I recognized her hurt was far greater and inflicted by me.

    And now I had to unmake a big mess.

    We went to a couple therapists, the first a real ball busting man could do no right psycologist. I told GF that I would never tell her a lie, never omit anything, and never cheat again. Those were the promises to get a new psycologist so we could fix ME.

    Because I knew I was the one that needed fixing, not her. Who lies, or lies by omission? Assholes, really.

    And I have been 100% on those promises. We just celebrated our 24th anniversary and people say we are the perfect couple.

    And we are.

    So take it from me… If he is not proactively addressing your concerns (like the itinerary), he is hiding something. If he evades, obfuscates, prevaricates, or lies – either book Dr. Phil or start the divorce process. Your life is too short

    Whatever his issues with you, he betrayed you – and that crosses a line that is often unforgivable.

    I do have some advice. You really need to dial back on the anger. I know he deserves it, as I did. Problem is that nothing can be productively resolved when people are at each other’s throats. It raises the self-protect mechanisms.

    Instead, try telling him that you understand that he had issues with you. But you (husband) stepped way over the line. You understand you betrayed me? You understand that I can no longer trust you (cuz you’ve been lying for quite a while now).

    Get him to agree. ‘So if you know that I don’t trust you, and I see that the whore was abroad at the same time as you were, (hey wasn’t this what happened last time), you get what I suspect- right?? So you can understand why I need to see her itinerary. That’s non-negotiable if you want me to start building trust in you again. That’s what you want, right? If you were with her again, tell me here, tell me now. Truth reigns supreme in this marriage. We start here, now. No itinerary = my confirmation that u cheated again and then lied AGAIN.”

    Feel free to tell him how you feel. When I found out Whore was out of town, I felt as if you had cheated on me once again. And that breaks my heart. Please help me heal hub, get me the itinerary.

    Finally, feel free to rat her out to someone at the company. Most companies take a dim view of messy affairs. All companies really hate it when HR is the culpable party. Tell them you just want it ended… I suspect they might fire her as her transgression was much greater and has greater corporate impact. But it could be hubby who goes. Then he could sue for sexual harassment.

    I am old and tired. I hope I helped.

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